How do we know that this is a ghost story?

Well… it’s in a BIG gothic house that is perpetually shrouded in fog. It takes place during the 1940’s, and the children in the movie suffer from a rare disease that makes them blister in sunlight. This means that heavy drapes are drawn at all times and every door in the house must be locked just in case the curtains are accidentally left drawn.

Lets book our next vacation there!! Look mom… I can almost see my veins through my skin and it’s only been a week!!

Everything is lit by a kerosene lamp since the nazi bastards have cut the electricity off and if you eat something that has upset your stomach you had better pray that you’re locked in the “loo” or else you’re going to have to dance around like an idiot while the maid locks and unlocks 15 doors between you and the facilities.

Nicole Kidman stars as a pale white woman raising two sick kids in a big house all by herself. The staff buggered off one day and didn’t even leave her a note that said “Off to find a sunny beach you whacked out Aussie bi-atch.” Her husband has left her to fight the Germans but hasn’t come back even though the war ended over a year ago. I think he’s nailing some lusty Italian chick where there’s electricity and some open widows personally.

One day a man dressed in black, his wife dressed in black and their mute daughter (guess what SHE’S wearing?) emerge from the fog and offer to be the hired help. It seems that they used to work in the house years ago, pus Nicole is on a permanent prescription of Midol so she really can’t be too picky when it comes to hiring the staff.

From this point on the movie just becomes plain gloomy (insert sarcasm).

Her daughter starts to see visions of a small boy which she uses to torment her little brother to no end. Nicole punishes her by making her memorize passages from the bible.

Can you spot the girl who’s going to grow up with a tattoo that says “Property of the Hell’s Angels”?….

Way to foster a healthy spiritual child there Nicky.

Only when Nicole starts to hear noises from rooms that she HASN’T locked her kids into does she really start to believe her daughter about the “others.” Then she starts to suspect that the maid is giving her some “funny” headache pills.

Paranoia thy name is Nicole.

Blah blah blah…. this movie is like a low fat brownie. It never really satisfies you.

It’s 2 hours of teasing and swelling music but no scary moments. Doors get swung open but there’s nothing inside. Pianos are played by themselves. Curtains get moved…zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

This was the longest 2 hours I’ve ever seen. It’s like decorating tips from the invisible man.

I won’t give the ending away, but I figured it out after about 30 minutes and even people who miss the first hour of the movie could guess the ending 60 minutes before they finally get around to telling us.

It’s like trying to wrap up a tennis racket for Christmas and then keeping your husband from guessing what it is for the next two weeks.

It’s been done better (and you know what movie I’m talking about).

Next time at least give us a car chase or some gratuitous nudity. Even a BLACK dress crumpled on the floor would have been a welcome relief.