Sarcastic Movie Reviews

Oh…. my bad. This is the movie where middle aged men run naked through the streets and sleep with college co-eds while fighting the evil Dean of the college whom they call “Cheese.”

Or something like that anyway.

Does anyone remember the Simpson’s episode where Homer goes back to College? They have a scene where a guy named “Nerdlinger” plants a brassiere bomb and undergarments rain down on the president of the USA while he tours the campus.

Yeah well, that pretty much sums up the plot of this thing too.

BUT IT WORKS!!!

I can’t remember the last time the audience laughed so often and so hard throughout a movie. I’m going to have to rent it on DVD next year just to hear what half of the characters have said again because at least 1/3 of the movie was drowned out in laughter.

The plot in a nutshell:

We have three 30ish men who have been friends since high school. One catches his girlfriend cheating on him and is depressed. One is happily married, rich and has three kids. The last one is just getting married. The guy who was dumped moves into a house near a college but has to form a fraternity to avoid being evicted. Since he has a rich friend they can throw lavish parties that infuriate the Dean but endear them to everyone in the town (including 30ish men who work in office buildings and hate their lives).

That’s about it….. the rest of the movie involves gratuitous sex, alcohol and drug abuse and comic violence.

I LOVE this movie!!!!!

It’s too bad that this won’t be in theatres for Valentine’s Day. Well, maybe you can still go bowling or something romantic like that until it comes out next week.

Jet Li is a FOREIGN agent/cop on a secret assignment to recover some mysterious black diamonds that were stolen from Taiwan. Didn’t Jackie Chan do this a few movies ago?

DMX is a diamond thief who has more high tech hardware than the Radio Shack in Bill Gate’s neighborhood.

AND street cred baby.

Word to your mother.

How many movies have come out in the last 40 minutes that have teamed up Black actors and Chinese martial artists?

Pity poor Mel Gibson. What kind of buddy movie is in his future now? No more white cop and black hipster. It’s all Oriental all the time.

It’s like when all of those fat white guys lost the cop roles 10 years ago when their skinny partners discovered the “hood”. Next up… I guess we can expect midgets or maybe gay police dogs.

Gay miniature police dogs. Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy……..

Since Busta Rhymes was busy doing “Narc”, Snoop Dog was doing “Old School” and Queen Latifah is doing something with Steve Martin (please God… give me a pass to THAT one so I can slag it) we moved on down the list and grabbed DMX.

I’m sure that Nelly will be doing “Cool Hand Luke” next year unless Dr. Dre can convince him to star in “My Fair Bitch …er Lady.”

Ok ok… plot time.

DMX sets up the perfect heist. He finds a bank that has a thin metal floor adjacent to a subway maintenance tunnel and it has a big white “X” painted on it so that he knows where to put the blow torch (SERIOUSLY… I’m not making this up). No annoying drilling going on here folks. I’ll bet those dickwads at head office are cursing themselves for not at least piling some boxes up around the drainage pipes to annoy the criminal element.

Out comes the old “replace the video surveillance with OUR copy of the video surveillance” trick and off we go.

Do you think that banks still rely on this?

I promise that if I open a bank and you want to store your jewels with me, I’ll put big windows in the vault room. Even better…. I’ll put the guard’s urinal inside the vault so that you KNOW it’s going to be checked on at LEAST once an hour.

DMX breaks the safe open with a combination of Liquid Nitrogen, some rope and um… oh yeah…. a shoulder mounted rocket.

Make sure you have the safety on kids… that’d be a bitch to explain if it shot up out of a sewer somewhere.

Well, not in Texas maybe.

Jet Li knows that the heist is going down because he has figured out what cell phone frequency the crooks are using.

Hey, it’s their own fault for blowing all of their money on sports cars and cranially mounted communication devices. Next time use a pay phone dip shit. My old roommate used to listen to drunken booty calls at 3 am on his scanner in my living room.

Cell phones and secrecy go together like Mike Tyson and women’s rights.

Jet calls the cops and hopes that he can steal back the black diamonds that DMX has lifted without raising too many questions but he gets the wrong bag of loot by accident.

When DMX starts asking about the value of the unusual rocks all hell breaks loose. He loses the stones and is forced to team up with Jet when his daughter is kidnapped (why else have a daughter or wife unless they get abducted?).

There’s also a disturbing trend in movies today in which there must be some sort of chase scene involving Extreme Sports. If I see ONE more asshole jumping off a roof with a skateboard, BMX bike or rollerblades I’ll shit myself.

Cars just ain’t cutting it anymore. The kids today can’t afford gas and a race down the freeway during rush hour is just so uh….”Ronin.”

What’s left?

Mad Max did the bungee cord fight. Vin Diesel snowboarded down a railing with a dinner plate.

I think the Rideau Canal needs a high speed wind surfing gun fight and I’m the guy who’s going to write it dammit.

The big secret is SO bad that it begs to be made fun of….

God give me strength to not tell you.

Ok… this is your warning.

The movie sucks but if you REALLY have to see it stop here because I HAVE to spill my guts.

Still reading?

Ok then… don’t say I spoiled this because I gave it away.

It turns out that the Taiwanese have invented some sort of rock that when it’s zapped with a big laser turns into weapons grade plutonium 100 times more powerful than anything else it’s size.

All sorts of evil dictators fly into the United States so that they can bid on this crap.

We have enough potential nukes spread out on the table to incinerate the globe and the auction is going on in an abandoned airport in Burbank California.

NOT on an island in the South Pacific or in a cave somewhere near Pakistan. Hell no. That’d make sense.

Why didn’t they just post it on E-Bay?

I can see the guys at immigration waving in all of these private helicopters from Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya flying banners behind them saying “Death to the USA” and only checking their bags for toenail clippers.

I haven’t even discussed Tom Arnold’s character who is another thief that has a fleet of illegal tanks lying around an impound lot 2 blocks from the police station. PLUS he gets to drive it around the city at night dripping with ammo and no one pulls him over.

Oh, oh, oh wait!!!…. DMX gives his 8 year old daughter a diamond pendant to wear that he kept from the heist early on and this thing must be worth 200k. Do the kidnappers notice the ice cube hanging around her neck and steal it? ahahahahahaah…. sniff…. nope. The kid uses it to cut through her restraints.

Oh man… I’m crying. So much to make fun of.

Lets face it. These things come out more regularly than Richard Simmons on a tour of America’s gayest nightclubs.

I think it’s been 2 whole months since Jackie Chan released anything.

Chow Yun-Fat is a martial arts master whose duty has been to protect an ancient scroll from evil nazis since the beginning of the film. It looked like an out-take of “Raider’s of the Lost Arc” except that the blue screen effects sucked large.

I thought that special effects were supposed to improve since we started using computers. Other than using that annoying “bullet that slows down as it goes by your head” trick that we see in every movie now (thanks a LOT Matrix), all of the blue screen backdrops stood out like a bad vacation postcard where you sit in the barrel as it goes over Niagara Falls.

How many more times do we have to sit through that damn bullet effect anyway?!!

I’m waiting for the feminine hygiene ads:

“Stops leakage like a bullet that slowly misses your head.”

Oh yeah… I can see it now.

Chow Yun-Fat falls off a cliff after he is shot in the chest and the next time we see him it’s 60 years later and he is in New York. I guess I should mention that the person who protects the scroll doesn’t age so Chow Yun is still a pudgy middle aged Chinese man and not 90 years old.

Ooops. Did I say New York? This thing was filmed in Toronto and it was so obvious that I had to laugh. They filmed all of the outdoors scenes at Queen’s Park.

At least TRY not to film the Scotia Bank signs next time. The only thing they did to make it look more American was to put two USA Today newspaper boxes next to the hot dog vendor. They even had the balls to film the skyline at night. Could you at least make a lame attempt to digitally add in the Empire State building? Come on boys. Make a freaking effort here.

Seann William Scott (Stiffler from the American Pie movies) plays a pickpocket who works the subways. When the cops try to arrest him he takes off into the crowd. At about the same time some other guys are chasing Chow Yun from the other direction and they run into each other.

BAM!!!

You got Peanut Butter on my Ancient Scroll!!

You’ve got Ancient Scroll in my Peanut Butter!!

Actually they knock some little girl onto the subway tracks and both of them decide to rescue her. Chow Yun sees that Stiffler has a pure heart and he decides to keep an eye on him.

This is why Hollywood keeps using Chinese Monks in their movies. If it was a Catholic Priest who was following a young man in a tight T-shirt throughout the big city they’d have to use a sound track with a lot more bass guitar.

“Bounch Chicka Bounch”

Priest: “Ohhhh my collar is chafing”

Young Boy: “My tight T-shirt got all torn when I wrestled the leather biker in the water fountain and now my cut off shorts are wet.”

(You get the idea)….

Since Stiffler starts to fulfill one of those ridiculous ancient prophecies that Oriental religious people always speak in (“Watch for a warrior who will dance with a fish under a blue bird that is on fire”), Chow Yun decides to train him in the way of the Matrix.

You will now learn to watch slow moving bullets and I will teach you to defy gravity.

Someone should be suing their asses off.

The Chinese are so smart that they invented the Global Postioning System 60 years before the rest of the world figured it out. The only mistake that they made was to test it out on the scroll because those freaking ex-nazis seem to find our heroes no matter where they are hiding.

It’s hilarious how 14 guys in dark suits can chase them down the street with guns drawn while a helicopter flies overhead spraying the rooftops with machine gun fire and you never see a police car come to investigate any of this.

Is this Baghdad? Maybe they should have grabbed a heart-lung machine as they were running by a hospital. You can sell that thing for 20 bucks in Syria.

Fortunately this was based on a comic book, and that’s a good thing because at no point does it even pretend to be serious. Most of the lines are delivered with a crooked smile or a cocked eyebrow.

In short, it’s stupid but kind of fun.

If you want a no brainer action flick that makes you laugh then I’d say it’s a half decent rental or almost worth the price of admission on a Tuesday (unless it’s hockey playoff night).