Jet Li is a FOREIGN agent/cop on a secret assignment to recover some mysterious black diamonds that were stolen from Taiwan. Didn’t Jackie Chan do this a few movies ago?

DMX is a diamond thief who has more high tech hardware than the Radio Shack in Bill Gate’s neighborhood.

AND street cred baby.

Word to your mother.

How many movies have come out in the last 40 minutes that have teamed up Black actors and Chinese martial artists?

Pity poor Mel Gibson. What kind of buddy movie is in his future now? No more white cop and black hipster. It’s all Oriental all the time.

It’s like when all of those fat white guys lost the cop roles 10 years ago when their skinny partners discovered the “hood”. Next up… I guess we can expect midgets or maybe gay police dogs.

Gay miniature police dogs. Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy……..

Since Busta Rhymes was busy doing “Narc”, Snoop Dog was doing “Old School” and Queen Latifah is doing something with Steve Martin (please God… give me a pass to THAT one so I can slag it) we moved on down the list and grabbed DMX.

I’m sure that Nelly will be doing “Cool Hand Luke” next year unless Dr. Dre can convince him to star in “My Fair Bitch …er Lady.”

Ok ok… plot time.

DMX sets up the perfect heist. He finds a bank that has a thin metal floor adjacent to a subway maintenance tunnel and it has a big white “X” painted on it so that he knows where to put the blow torch (SERIOUSLY… I’m not making this up). No annoying drilling going on here folks. I’ll bet those dickwads at head office are cursing themselves for not at least piling some boxes up around the drainage pipes to annoy the criminal element.

Out comes the old “replace the video surveillance with OUR copy of the video surveillance” trick and off we go.

Do you think that banks still rely on this?

I promise that if I open a bank and you want to store your jewels with me, I’ll put big windows in the vault room. Even better…. I’ll put the guard’s urinal inside the vault so that you KNOW it’s going to be checked on at LEAST once an hour.

DMX breaks the safe open with a combination of Liquid Nitrogen, some rope and um… oh yeah…. a shoulder mounted rocket.

Make sure you have the safety on kids… that’d be a bitch to explain if it shot up out of a sewer somewhere.

Well, not in Texas maybe.

Jet Li knows that the heist is going down because he has figured out what cell phone frequency the crooks are using.

Hey, it’s their own fault for blowing all of their money on sports cars and cranially mounted communication devices. Next time use a pay phone dip shit. My old roommate used to listen to drunken booty calls at 3 am on his scanner in my living room.

Cell phones and secrecy go together like Mike Tyson and women’s rights.

Jet calls the cops and hopes that he can steal back the black diamonds that DMX has lifted without raising too many questions but he gets the wrong bag of loot by accident.

When DMX starts asking about the value of the unusual rocks all hell breaks loose. He loses the stones and is forced to team up with Jet when his daughter is kidnapped (why else have a daughter or wife unless they get abducted?).

There’s also a disturbing trend in movies today in which there must be some sort of chase scene involving Extreme Sports. If I see ONE more asshole jumping off a roof with a skateboard, BMX bike or rollerblades I’ll shit myself.

Cars just ain’t cutting it anymore. The kids today can’t afford gas and a race down the freeway during rush hour is just so uh….”Ronin.”

What’s left?

Mad Max did the bungee cord fight. Vin Diesel snowboarded down a railing with a dinner plate.

I think the Rideau Canal needs a high speed wind surfing gun fight and I’m the guy who’s going to write it dammit.

The big secret is SO bad that it begs to be made fun of….

God give me strength to not tell you.

Ok… this is your warning.

The movie sucks but if you REALLY have to see it stop here because I HAVE to spill my guts.

Still reading?

Ok then… don’t say I spoiled this because I gave it away.

It turns out that the Taiwanese have invented some sort of rock that when it’s zapped with a big laser turns into weapons grade plutonium 100 times more powerful than anything else it’s size.

All sorts of evil dictators fly into the United States so that they can bid on this crap.

We have enough potential nukes spread out on the table to incinerate the globe and the auction is going on in an abandoned airport in Burbank California.

NOT on an island in the South Pacific or in a cave somewhere near Pakistan. Hell no. That’d make sense.

Why didn’t they just post it on E-Bay?

I can see the guys at immigration waving in all of these private helicopters from Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya flying banners behind them saying “Death to the USA” and only checking their bags for toenail clippers.

I haven’t even discussed Tom Arnold’s character who is another thief that has a fleet of illegal tanks lying around an impound lot 2 blocks from the police station. PLUS he gets to drive it around the city at night dripping with ammo and no one pulls him over.

Oh, oh, oh wait!!!…. DMX gives his 8 year old daughter a diamond pendant to wear that he kept from the heist early on and this thing must be worth 200k. Do the kidnappers notice the ice cube hanging around her neck and steal it? ahahahahahaah…. sniff…. nope. The kid uses it to cut through her restraints.

Oh man… I’m crying. So much to make fun of.