Sarcastic Movie Reviews

The film that focus forgot.

Sky Captain is a hail back to the serial movies of the 1930’s that Stephen Spielberg based the Indiana Jones films on. The key difference being that Indiana Jones wasn’t shot through an inch thick coating of Vaseline.

Who decided that retro was hip? You can’t swing a dead cat nowadays without hitting a twenty something girl who thinks she looks cool in her white high heel shoes, tight Capri jeans and the heavy metal, studded leather belt. Honey, you look like Pat Benatar after she was gang banged by the guys from Wasp ok? The same goes for this movie. Highlighting the eyes while the rest of the face stays dark makes me think that the mail slot in the front door has opened. I half expect to hear a dog going berserk and tearing into the hydro bill somewhere in the background.

The story itself takes place just after World War 1 as “The Hindenberg 3″ is docking itself to the top of the Empire State Building. A scientist with a thick German changes his name to something ridiculous like “Jimmy Johnson” so that he can blend silently into the American crowd. Hey Fritz, didn’t you just roll over Europe setting Frenchmen on fire? Yeah, Jimmy will fit right in as he asks for “annudder kold beahr ya?” at the local pub. Anyway, Fritz has a couple of test tubes in his jacket pocket and he contacts Polly Perkins (Gwyneth Paltrow), an intrepid female investigative reporter who is working on story about mysteriously disappearing scientists.

Give me a break! This was 1932. Polly would have been scrubbing pipe discharge from her husband’s smoking jacket, not working as a start reporter for The Daily Bugle.

Polly is on a pay phone with her boss when the sky grows dark as an army of giant metal robots land in the middle of New York. As they begin to stomp down 5th Avenue crushing cars and knocking buildings over, Polly thinks it’d be a really neat idea to run between their legs snapping pictures. I guess she must have been Bob Guiccione’s grandmother (but I digress). Polly doesn’t run so much as she trips and falls again and again. Usually right where a giant metal foot is about to come down.

Just as it looks like she’s about to become a smear on the pavement, “Sky Captain” (Jude Law) appears from nowhere flying a special “Spitfire” that his trusty scientist Dex (Giovanni Ribisi) whipped up on their secret island base (that I guess is located 10 minutes away from downtown Manhattan).

Sky stops the giant metal robots by firing special harpoons with rope attached to them.

Uh… why does this sound familiar? What are we missing here? Um….

Ewoks maybe?

At any rate, a guy flying a plane with rope is too much for an army of building-crushing GIANT METAL ROBOTS to handle so they run away but they take an oil refinery or two as souvenirs .

Actually it turns out that these GIANT METAL ROBOTS have been invading countries all over the planet and stealing their resources. These must be Republican robots!! (sorry, that was a cheap shot).

Polly meets up with the German scientist in a movie theatre and he breathlessly explains to her that his life is in danger and it is imperative that she protects the two test tubes that he gives to her.

Why? Oh sorry, I can’t be bothered explaining anything to you, just hang onto these. Ya, sorry buddy. I fell for THAT one in Brazil once. How about YOU hang onto the two test tubes until AFTER we’ve gone through customs ok? Fortunately as the scientist flees the theatre he accidentally drops the blueprints of the GIANT METAL ROBOTS.

Man, I hate it when I lose my blueprints in a public place. It’s such a bitch.

Imagine going to your doctor’s office and he shoves a bunch of medication into your filthy mitt before he speeds off in his BMW. It’s only after you search the trash can that you find out that you’ve got crabs.

Thanks asshole. Remind me to rub my genitals on your comb before I leave.

As usual, Polly and Sky are former lovers who can’t get along and naturally it would make way too much sense for her to tell him or his trusty scientist about the test tubes. Maybe she’ll just take a sip and figure out what’s inside.

Dex pours over the blueprints of the GIANT METAL ROBOTS while their secret hangar of planes is attacked by a wave of FLYING METAL ROBOTS.

Since Sky’s plane is the only one not destroyed he naturally beats them back while Dex triangulates a hidden radio wave that controls them, to somewhere… somewhere in… fight them a little longer Sky…. I almost… almost got it…. uh….

Crash!! Bang!! Dex is captured by (what else?) a GIANT METAL ROBOT.

As Polly and Sky comb through the debris they discover a piece of map stuck under a piece of concrete.

Listen, I’ve spent 2 hours looking for my car keys in a living room with some newspapers and magazines scattered about but old Polly here sees a scrap of paper stuck to the bottom of a metal girder amidst the smoldering ruins of Hiroshima. Could you maybe look for Osama when you get a chance?

Even though the planet’s resources have been raped by GIANT METAL ROBOTS, Sky doesn’t seem to be bothered by something as annoying as ….

oh… a lack of fuel for instance. He must be flying with one of them fancy hybrid engines. A tank of gas can get you to Nepal!!

Tracing Indiana’s footsteps into the Himalayas (this screenwriter has NO freaking shame) Polly and Sky manage to escape a radioactive mountain filled with dynamite but not before Polly drops her camera and has to run back inside for it.

Fortunately they meet up with a Sherpa who knows exactly where the secret GIANT METAL ROBOT island is located, but alas, he dies before telling them how to get there in a non-riddle form. The message this film seems to convey is that all foreigners need to be slapped. Get to the freaking point old man. Never mind the poem, just point to the damn map already. Don’t make me get medieval on your ass.

As they fly off into the ocean using the Sherpa’s cane as a guide (ok, it’s not Indiana’s staff but pretty damn close) Sky’s plane FINALLY starts to run out of fuel. Thank God he has a friend with a squadron of flying airfields that were hanging around the secret GIANT METAL ROBOT island. I mean, what LUCK eh?

Frankie (Angelie Jolie) is another one of Sky’s ex lovers (pilots are such sluts) and she knows a secret underground cavern that Sky can use to get into the island.

I’m telling you, secret islands just ain’t what they used to be. You either have a flying airfield floating around it or all of your secret entrances have been mapped out and posted on the freaking Internet. Some real estate agent is going to have some explaining to do when this is all over.

I was getting a little tired of GIANT METAL ROBOTS so I was pleasantly surprised when Polly started dropping her camera and running back for it as she was being chased by dinosaurs. Come on guys, how about a vampire or a great white shark? You can’t possibly make this any MORE stupid.

Any zombie extras hanging around from the studio next door?

I haven’t hated a movie this much since I saw the Hulk a couple of years ago. I’d rather clean catheters at an old age home than sit through this again.