Alone in the Dark… a review
Actually this is the “Alone in the Dark” drinking game. More on the rules later on.
The movie itself is based on a video game, which in the history of films, has about the same success rate as musicals based on the life of Hitler. If you haven’t seen the trailers yet, it looks like it’s a cross between Starship Troopers and Alien.
The film opens as a long (and I mean LONG) written narrative scrolls down from the top of the screen as some husky voiced actor tells us all about an ancient culture, light and dark, government experiments and I think there was a cracking recipe for maple cream fudge in there too. This thing went on and on. It was like a freaking history exam. If you can’t tell me the story in 20 seconds then forget it buddy. On top of it all it’s so convoluted that when it’s done you almost want to scream up to the projection guy to run it back so you re-read it again. Not a good sign.
Once the narrative ends we find ourselves at an orphanage in the early 60’s except that I didn’t know it was the early 60’s until the movie ended and we realized that Christian Slater was the kid hiding out in the shed in the backyard. Holy shit guys, an afro or two would have really helped out here. How about a television with the Beatles on it? A lava lamp perhaps?
For some reason the government agents want the nun raising the orphans let them abduct the kids and then to lie to the police about it. Her excuse? One night she came home and the children were all gone.
Michael Jackson should be so be so lucky right now.
Fast forward to the present.
Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) is a private investigator specializing in unexplainable supernatural phenomena. His cases delve in the dark corners of the world searching for truth in the occult remnants of ancient civilizations.
Hey it’s still is more stable than working in hi-tech!!
As Carnby (no one seems to call him Edward) heads home from the airport one day, he is attacked by a bald man who doesn’t seem to be all that upset when Carnby shoots him in the heart. Carnby then decides that maybe shooting him in the shoulder or the leg might be a better idea instead of, oh…. say….. running away for instance. Luckily for us Carnby is a master of slow motion back flips and he manages to impale the attacker on a rusty piece of metal while a market full of onlookers stare in disbelief.
Just remember that bullets are bad but a rebar is good. Let’s just gloss over the fact that he isn’t arrested or even questioned about the dead mutant on the crate of mackerel afterwards.
Aline Cedrac (pre-boob job Tara Reid) is his archaeologist girlfriend and she reads her lines with such a flat performance that Jenna Jameson would have been more convincing.
It was like watching someone’s retarded daughter playing the tree in a grade 2 arbour day pageant.
Rounding out the cast of actors who need work is Stephen Dorff as government agent Burke. I don’t think I’ve seen him since Blade 2 but I did see a video called “Dorf does Golf” so it’s nice to see that he’s keeping busy. He looked shorter on the box though. Oh well.
I’d like to talk about the plot, but even after the epic explanation at the beginning of the movie, I’m not really sure what the hell was going on here. There was something about zombies, parasitic spine sucking leeches, creatures that hate the light and, oh ya, a portal. There’s ALWAYS a freaking portal eh? Some asshole always wants to open it even though an ancient culture has built a pyramid over top of it and filled it with sharpened spikes. Me? I lose the key to may apartment every second week, but the portal to hell is easier to open than child proof cap on a bottle of aspirin. Just remember that the disembowling demons on the other side are going to spare the guy who turns the key…. (ya, and Enron stock is going up).
Just once I’d like to see the evil scientist say “Whoa, this golden talisman will open a portal to hell…. Maybe I should melt this thing into a nipple ring.”
Anyway, forget the movie. It sucks. The fun is in the drinking game.
Here are the rules:
Anytime you hear someone’s name you drink a sip.
The dialogue is filled with names. Here’s an example.
“Carnby?”
“Ya Burke?”
“Carnby, I never liked you.”
“I never liked you either Burke.”
“Aline? Have you met Burke?”
“No. Nice to meet you Burke. How long have you known Carnby?”
“I’ve known Carnby for 10 years. Are you dating Carnby, Ailne?”
You get the idea….
Next up…anytime they mention “713″ (the secret agency that Carnby and Burke worked at) you take a sip.
For example:
“Carnby. I haven’t seen you since you quit 713.”
“Listen Burke, I’m through with 713.”
“You’ve still got a paycheck waiting for you at 713, Carnby.”
“713 can keep their dirty money Burke.”
And so on and so on…..
If they mention the “Abskani” (the ancient race) you take a sip.
If they ever say “The readings are off the scale” you have to chug whatever is left of your drink.
Have fun!!!
