Sarcastic Movie Reviews

Mmmmm…. smell the flowers will ya? It’s a gorgeous day out!!

Uh oh. It seems that some bad men dressed in black with night vision goggles are planning some nefarious deeds.

Say WHAT?!! Guys in black, in the middle of the afternoon wearing some kind of night vision goggles? I guess it must be the Canadian military. How the hell do a bunch of guys think that dressing in BLACK is going to prevent anyone from seeing them in the DAYTIME?!! Why not just dress in silver hot pants with pink feather boas? At least then you could shoot the enemy while they were laughing at you.

Ehhhh, let’s not get hung up on that little detail. There’s SO much more to make fun of.

The men in black plant special explosives that tunnel through 100 feet of soil into the secret underground lair of the NSA. The next time the NSA decides to build a high security underground lair I’ll bet that they budget for a few guard towers around the perimeter or at least a fence with tin cans that rattle when someone is climbing over it. Stevie Wonder could have seen these guys coming.

After the slaughter, only Agent Augustus Gibbons (Samuel Jackson) and his token white nerd inventor (let’s just call him “Q”) escape alive while the remaining NSA cell has been wiped out.

Oh the humanity!!

Like all good undercover black agents Augustus escapes in a car that looks like it came from an episode of “Pimp My Ride” with a $50,000 custom paint job that changes colours depending on how the light hits it. It’s great for picking up chicks, but it’s not so good for avoiding detection from the bad guys. Maybe he should’ve been driving a black car. Apparently the colour black renders you invisible during bright sunny days.

With his all of his spies dead Augustus has a problem. He’s driving around town looking like Snoop Dog and everyone he knows is dead. Should he call for backup? Maybe get some other government agencies to help him hide? Nahhh… let’s go to a prison and visit a guy whom you left to rot in jail for the last 10 years. Yes sir, there’s nothing like a little time in a federal prison to keep one’s skills sharp and their finger on the pulse of the nation. I’m sure he had his finger somewhere during the past decade and it had nothing to do with the nation. Make your own soap jokes.

Ice Cube plays Darius Stone, the NEW XXX (since apparently Vin died in some sort of ambush), and he only reluctantly agrees to leave jail to help Augustus because he’s probably their next target. Why is Darius’ life in danger? He’s been in PRISON for the last decade. What the hell does he know? He still thinks that Bill Clinton is the president and he hasn’t figured out how to escape. Maybe he just likes group showers. Well, anyway his life is in danger so stop thinking about this shit already and blow something up. It’s been 10 minutes and I’m getting bored.

Augustus steals a helicopter and busts Darius out of prison. Please people. Do not try this at home or if you do please have someone videotape it because I could use the laugh.

Now that Augustus has broken “about 12 federal laws” (although Darius can only name 3) XXX ain’t gonna be no one’s ‘nigga’. Nope, he’s gonna play by HIS rules which means visiting a highly secretive stolen car chop shop that employs a staff of 200 scantily clad women in school girl outfits and burly black men in designer coveralls in a warehouse with the custom disco lighting, giant plasma screens and leather furniture. I’d hate to see what a marijuana grow op looks like. It’d probably have waterfalls, palm trees and a giant wave pool.

Unfortunately Darius’s girlfriend no longer runs the chop shop. She’s now owns a dealership that sells Lamborghini and vintage sports cars which of course means that Augustus can trade in his car for an even bigger and easier spot monster truck (rocket launcher headlights not included). At least it’s black.

Which brings me to something I’d like to bring up. They’ve introduced this nerdy white inventor guy who has all sorts of crazy gizmos like super suction gloves but Darius never uses anything. Why is nerdy white guy on the payroll? Come on Darius. Couldn’t you have at least climbed up the side of the ship with your new gloves? Maybe smack some guy in the face and drag him around. At least go out and pick up some trash or open a jar for an old lady.

What’s missing at this point? We’re almost an hour into the film. Can anyone spot the missing item?  I’ll give you a hint.

It’s called a plot.

Why is all this crap going on? Why is Augustus breaking people out of prison? Who exactly is killing the NSA agents and why?

Listen if I had to suffer for 2 hours I’m not letting you off that easy. You’ll have to read on.

It appears that Willem Dafoe is an evil general who is planning on killing everyone in the White House who outranks him so that he can take over the country. Ya, THAT won’t draw any suspicion. He must have studied economics with Saddam and Idi Amin.

Go class of ‘62!!

It’s a good thing for Darius that he is a lucky guy. When he steals some of Augustus’ hard drives he instantly knows that there is some microfilm hidden on it and not in it, he deciphers the cryptic message and instantly figures out which person out of 20 in the photo is named “Charlie” (even though he’s never met her). Darius then intercepts a secret transport tuck of arms whose route wasn’t all that secret, finds the hidden safe, and opens it on the first attempt. Then just in case you were beginning to think that the movie might not be too believable. Darius rallies his car jacking criminal friends to attack a bunch of tanks that just HAPPEN to be hanging around outside of the White House.

I haven’t been to the White House recently but are there usually a bunch of tanks hanging around outside? Wouldn’t the president say something along the lines of “Whoa, what’s with all of the tanks? You aren’t trying to kill everyone and take over the country are you?”

I should also back track a bit and mention that Darius sneaks on board an aircraft carrier by climbing the anchor chain.

Apparently the US military has a real problem with locking the doors on things.

Anyway, it all looks bleak for the President as he is kidnapped and sped away on his highly secretive bullet train that just happens to snake through most major intersections of downtown Washington DC, but fortunately Darius borrows a $500,000 car from one of his friends and follows alongside the bullet train.

I can just imagine seeing the President at the back of the train counting on his fingers saying things like:

“Ok, so my spy agency can be infiltrated by guys dressed in black during the middle of the day, the vaults that I lock my guns up in have a code that is obviously my wife’s birthday, my aircraft carriers can’t be boarded illegally unless someone looks for the big unguarded hole in the front and all it takes to disable a tank is a jack and some bolt cutters? Someone is going to get fired.”