You know, as I sat in gridlock on my way to the movie theatre tonight I realized that if Martians ever decided to invade my city we’d be easier to smoke than a ham in a forest fire. I had to crawl by two fender benders and I’m pretty sure I saw the seasons change as I idled aimlessly in my car.

Serenity now mutherfuckers!!!

The irony didn’t escape me in the first few minutes of the film as the aliens knock out all of the power in New Jersey. Cars stopped, watches stopped and yet Tom Cruise runs home to grab some food and some batteries. Even Martians can’t stop that damn Energizer bunny. It’s nice to know that right before you’re vaporized your vibrator will still be working.

Tom rounds up his children to flee the city and manages to find the only car in New England that is still working because he told the mechanic to “change the solenoid.”

The aliens may have been watching us for millions of years but they obviously never tuned into an episode of “Monster Garage”. Next time they should just put sugar in our gas tanks.

As Tom races onto the highway he finds that people have conveniently pulled their stalled cars off the road or at least left enough room so that he could weave through the tangle of abandoned cars like an Italian skier at the Playboy mansion. Well, I HAVE heard that people in New Jersey are courteous and responsible drivers unlike the bastards here… *ahem*

I have to admit that the first half of this movie is pretty terrifying  (and not in a Tom Cruise on a talk show kind of way).

The aliens lurch along the cities evaporating people and knocking down buildings and  start scooping bodies up for “nefarious deeds.”

Think of a pickup truck filled with rednecks holding flame throwers driving into an open field of chickens. The only difference is that the aliens don’t shout “yee haw.”

For the next hour or so Tom runs from one city to another trying to find something to eat or a place to hide only to find out that the aliens have planned the same vacation as him.

Here’s an idea dipshit. Go into the countryside!! Sheesh, he’s as bad as the guy in the wheelchair going off with the broken flashlight. Besides, when you have the only working car in America it’s a bad idea to drive by swarms of panicked people. You might as well be pushing a hot dog cart through a fat farm.

Tom is a very lucky guy though. If the aliens shoot someone, it’s the guy in front of him, beside him or behind him. If a plane falls out of the sky, it’ll get his neighbour’s house. If he hides in a basement the aliens step on, or set fire to everything around him.

In short, don’t be anywhere near Tom Cruise when the tripods start marching. He’ll be ok but YOUR shit is going up in flames.

I was kind of hoping that they might try a different spin on the ending since we all know how the story plays out but it stays true to H.G. Well’s original plot. At least they didn’t hack into the alien’s computers in the last 15 minutes like that steaming turd of a flick called “Independence Day.”

I hate to admit it, but this was a very good movie. A summer blockbuster for sure.