Sarcastic Movie Reviews

What’s the first thing that you do after you win an Oscar? Why, you sign up to play a supporting role next to Hollywood “A list” actors “Josh Lucas” and “Jessica Biel” of course!!

Here’s a list of scenes that should be banned in all movies for the rest of time (feel free to add to it):

• I don’t want to see any more Matrix frozen mid air spins.
• I don’t want to see any scenes in which two people are struggling over a gun and it goes off making us wonder who was shot.
• Finally, I don’t want to see any group-slow-motion walking shots.

I’ve discussed it with my friends over beer and we’ve decided that it’s ok to SPEED up the frame rate but only if you’re playing the theme music from Benny Hill.

Jamie Foxx plays “Henry Purcell” the cool black guy who spins a basketball on his finger while listening to a hip hop version of a classic soul tune as he studies a technical paper on a top secret weapon.

Jessica Biel is the chick with the heart of gold and the great ass who is secretly in love with “Lt. Ben Gannon” (Josh Lucas) the maverick fighter pilot who plays by his own rules but gets the job done so the brass cuts him some slack.

One day the senior brass forces the team to take on a new wing man, but the twist is that it’s really a jet controlled by artificial intelligence.

It’s now up to bad boy Ben Gannon to teach the plane how to get the job done “his way”.

It’s like a buffet of shitty movie plots.

I was half expecting the robot plane to attack a giant monkey on the Empire State Building.

It’s the future, and a terrible plague has wiped out all living beings except for those who reside in a large floating city that sits beside a beautiful tropical island.

Why not just let everyone onto the island in the first place? See, now questions like that would kind of bug me.

If the island is too small to accommodate everyone then why are you having a lottery every other day?

I’m not a math genius but a limited amount of space and an ever growing population makes me think to myself “There are vacancies sprouting up here faster than at the YMCA in Bhagdad.”

How can this be?” Every time some Orwellian society has a lottery and the grand prize is a trip out of the dome you just know it ends up in a meat grinder.I wouldn’t even go to Toronto to pick up my lottery winnings from 649 without someone from Greenpeace riding shotgun for me.

Fortunately people in the future are really stupid. Questions like this will get you into trouble, so keep your mouth shut, wear your white jumpsuit (like every other citizen) and wait your turn.

The movie borrows quite heavily from other classic futuristic stories (and by borrows I mean it like when I say Mike Tyson “dates” women). A little “Big Brother” from “1984″, and a little living in a dome protected from the poisonous environment from “ Logan ’s Run” a dash of “Gattica”, “Minority Report” etc. etc. etc.

The look and feel of this movie has been done in so many variations that I had to suppress the urge to scream out “Soylent Green is People” when they were lining up for oatmeal.

I guess the first group of people killed in the plague must have been locksmiths because, as usual, no one ever seems to close the freaking door on the horrific discovery that our hero always stumbles across.

The second group of people anihalated must have been the ones who can recognize what a white jumpsuit looks like because all you have to do to fool the security guards is to throw a green jacket over your white shoes, pants and shirt. It’s like a gay biker with assless leather chaps getting into a fancy restaurant because he’s wearing a tie. How stupid are these people?

Once Ewan McGregor discovers the “horrific” truth behind “The Island” (oh, am I giving too much away?) he flees the facility with Scarlett Johanson and is pursued by a group of elite soldiers who attempt to bring the subjects back without drawing any attention to themselves.

Little things like exploding helicopters that crash into buildings, or large loads of metallic objects crashing onto cars on the freeway or the occasional corpse laying around in train stations.

You know…the usual Michael Bay shit.

If you hired these guys to throw a surprise party for your girlfriend, they’d set her dog on fire and nail naked clowns to church across the street from her work with a sign saying “Felicitations” dangling from their naughty bits.

Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t this the FUTURE?!! You have identity bracelets on all of your subjects but I guess GPS systems were just too darn expensive to add to the database.

How about you hire the guys from “invisible fence” to install a cable around the perimeter so that they get a nasty shock if they go too far?

How about a freaking moat!!? No one ever has a moat filled with crocodiles anymore. Did the moat digger’s union ask for too much money? Go to www.BringBackMoats.com and sign my petition so that we can put an end to pesky lab experiments getting out of the dungeon.

Even Martha Stewart has an ankle bracelet on her that rats her out when she strays 3 feet from her 5000 thread Egyptian cotton sheets.

Ok, I’m getting carried away here.

Once Ewan and Scarlett are on the outside they manage to cross some inhospitable terrain without water, AND while wearing white jumpsuits AND they evade capture because the bad guys were too busy looking for heat signatures in the desert instead of….oh, say, that WHITE thing off in the distance.

Henchmen… *sigh*…

What’s sad is that every possible cliche from here on in is telegraphed to the audience with all of the subtlety of Richard Simmons at a Speedo convention.

If Ewan is hiding beside a table with monkey wrench on it, you know someone is getting a little monkey wrench retribution coming his way. They don’t even make it difficult for him to find the monkey wrench!!

That’s the other thing I’ve learned about the future. There’s always something heavy or pointy laying around. If some guy wearing a black sweater and sunglasses came into my cubicle right now I’d be dead. I could throw a highlighter at him, maybe a box of Kleenex or some hand lotion but other than that my work area is tragically ‘weapon-free’.

In the FUTURE I’d have a nail gun or at least some kind of makeshift nunchucks beside my computer.

Shit explodes, people drive really, REALLY fast and you never see ONE fire truck or police car responding to any of the carnage.

If you can fall off a building and walk away from the 30 story plunge then the director just can’t be bothered with that pesky little thing called “reality.”

Pauly Shore puts more thought into his scripts.