Sarcastic Movie Reviews

Before I say anything about the movie I wish to discuss the heresy perpetuated by the director. We’ve all seen the homage to the video game in which the camera switches to first person view. If you’re going to waste 5 minutes of celluloid time showing us nothing more than a hand holding onto a gun, then where was the med pack? Doom without a med pack?!! That’s like watching a porno without the money shot. Go big or go home you losers.

For those of you who have never played the game “Doom” (let’s call you women for the sake of argument) let me break down the story for you. An ancient portal to Mars is discovered by a group of scientists who set up a colony to try and figure out if they can invent some sort of super weapon with the stuff laying around up there.

Wasn’t that movie called “Aliens” originally?

I think the new rule should be: “If you can’t make a successful movie based on the game “Pac Man”, then you aren’t allowed to make any more of these turds.”

Right from the onset of the movie we’re introduced to the marines who are going to investigate the horrible accident that has beset the scientists. They are assigned weapons that give them handles like “Reaper”, “Sarge” and “The Kid” which is guess is a lot less confusing than using their actual names and a lot less litigious than calling them “Mr. White”, “Mr. Pink” and “Mr. Black” because Quentin Tarantino would sue their asses off.

As usual when you have a large group of victims to pick off, the game becomes “who gets it first?”

Here’s how it always breaks down. The more bland the character, the sooner he gets chomped and likewise, the bigger the asshole, the longer the screen time.

If you can’t tell me the name of a character five minutes after his introduction, there’s a pretty good chance that his widow should start shopping for a new BMW right away because the insurance cheque is in the mail.

I’m also getting really tired of the bureaucrat who screws the soldiers in every one of these films.

You know the guy.

He’s always assigned to watch the door and then when you need to get through that damn door he locks it on you or he runs away.

I swear to God, if I ever have to rid some space base of an infestation of man eating space bugs I’m covering the guy in the lab coat with tenderizer and kicking his arse out of the air lock before I even look at the floor plan.

I sure as hell won’t be letting him walk behind me.

Then there’s the flooring choices. Must every space station have floors made out of metal grating?  Not only is it hard to sneak up on something if you’re wearing combat boots, but inevitably what you’re looking for is always hiding UNDER the floor.

Clank, clank clank… ahhhh something grabbed my foot!!!

This is why Italy needs to get a space program. We need some nice terrazzo tiles up there. It’s nicer to look at, nothing jumps up out of the floor and have you ever tried to get a piece of someone’s neck out of metal grating? It takes forever to clean.

The only thing that I wouldn’t change about these films would be the room temperature.

Give me a chilly, drafty room with a sexy female scientist in a tight t-shirt any day.

“Excuse me doctor, are you trying to smuggle some raisins out of the lab?”

My final beef are the aliens themselves. These things always drool more than a St. Bernard in a sauna.

Aliens do not eat soup.

So as video game movies go, this is better than “Alone in the Dark” but not as good as “Resident Evil.”

That’s like saying as far as groin injuries go it’s better than falling on the cross bar of your bicycle but not as good as a swift kick to the pills.

Wow, Hollywood has made a movie about a girl and a horse. What a risky move!

What is it with girls and horses anyway? You never see a teary-eyed gutter urchin pleading with her dad to save a cow from being put down do you? Maybe it has to do with the way a horse steak tastes.

Hell I’d be clubbing my mom’s dog if I thought she’d grill up nicely with a handful of hickory chips.

Say what you will about animal rights but if baby seal tasted like filet mignon half of those Greenpeace ships would be filled with a spicy marinade instead of has-been French celebrities.

Sorry, I’m writing this around dinnertime and the pizza guy is late.

So, all together now let’s call out the plot shall we?

• Small girl sees racehorse.
• Racehorse breaks leg.
• Girl begs father (or stable owner) to not kill horse.
• Horse is nursed back to health and everyone discovers that GASP it’s better than ever.
• Horse enters the big race and is ridden to victory (or a heart stopping second place finish) by either the little girl or the grizzled alcoholic jockey who has given up on his profession.

What did you want to see, proof of the Illuminati’s existence?

Wait for The DaVinci Code you freak.

This is the old Sunday afternoon television special except that it’s on the big screen. Think of this as Sea Biscuit lite.

Listen, I’d call this a Disney movie except that Dreamworks put it out. The plus side to taking the little girl in your life out to this is that there isn’t some annoying Sponge in shorts with a voice that makes you beg for a quick death. There aren’t any toys to buy afterwards and at the most you might have to buy your kid a copy of “Black Beauty” or you might have to rent “The Pit Pony” when you get home.

Is it good? Well, it’s better than “Are We There Yet?”

I wouldn’t take my pickup hockey buddies out to see it, but my neice loved it.

It’s been 7 long years since “The Mask of Zorro” came out starring Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta Jones. Why wait so long to make the sequel? It wasn’t because they were perfecting the script that’s for sure. If time equaled quality “Fat Albert” would sweep the Oscars. No my friends, the answer is much simpler than that.

Quiz me this oh movie watching public. What was the last HIT that either of these thespians had? Ahhh grasshopper. You learn quickly. This is why we’re getting another Rocky movie too (hard as it is to believe).

When the “Mask of Zorro” came out it was fun to watch Antonio go from a drunken loser to a master swordsman. In this movie he’s already a master swordsman so where do you go from here? How about into a troubled marriage? Wow, that’s exactly the escapism we all want from our boring lives. Maybe he could hate his job and just to add to the spicy gumbo let’s throw in that his property taxes have gone up!!

I guess they realized this, because as soon as you can say “this movie sucks” we get a lot of action. Well, action in that Zorro jumps around a lot. He jumps, he leaps, he does a back flip. I think I even saw a sashay or two in there. He also waves his sword around, and hits bad men with chunks of timber.

Do you know what Zorro doesn’t do?

Zorro doesn’t kill anyone.

Ever.

He’ll slap your ass with his sword, he’ll cut a hole in the seat of your pants, he might even kick you in the nut sack but rest assured that no matter how many peasants you shoot in the chest, no matter how many priests that you kill, no matter how many times you attempt to disembowel his family you will never, EVER die unless the barn that you set on fire falls onto your head and then it’s YOUR fault.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that I saw the same nameless henchmen getting knocked unconscious again and again. It was like watching a highlight reel of Eric Lindros’ hockey career.

Ya but the bad guy has to die right? I mean, what kind of action movie lets the bad guy live in the end? This ain’t the United Nations here. We want justice!!

Relax.

The rule in Hollywood is that if you’ve created some sort of terrible weapon then there’s always some sort of loose chain laying around to get wrapped around your ankle or your cape will get caught in the gears just as the thing explodes or falls off a cliff.

It’s like the ultimate shop class safety video. If they had ever been forced to make a wooden candy dish on a lathe they’d know not to wear a scarf near the spinning parts. Zorro doesn’t have to kill them, all he has to do is give them a nice piece of cherry wood and they’ll maim themselves.

When Zorro isn’t doing handsprings off a balcony we’re subjected to his cherub faced son’s hijinks.

Ahhhh, there’s nothing quite so original in movies today as a spunky little boy with a slingshot is there? Zorro Jr. of course has magically inherited all of his father’s gymnastic abilities and we get to watch scene after scene where he vaults over a villain’s back or where he wanders the streets of California alone in the middle of the night uncovering secret plots.

I’m feeling the urge to insert a Michael Jackson joke here but I’m in a 12 step program designed to wean me off mentioning the gloved one.

Ok… My sponsor says that I can say one “Sham-on” but that’s it.

Then there’s Ms. Zeta Jones.

Even that freaking Taco Bell Dog offered a more authentic Latin accent than Catherine. It sounded as if she couldn’t make up her mind whether her character was from Transylvania or Honduras. I guess if they ever cast a Mexican version of Dracula she’s a shoo-in for the part.

After two long hours the rollercoaster ride comes to an end.

What’s a roller coaster called when there aren’t any thrills?

Oh yeah. Let me rephrase.

After two long hours the subway ride through Clicheville comes to an end.

It was like watching a marathon of the Little Rascals quite honestly. There were cute kids with slingshots, swordfights in which no one dies and secret passageways hidden behind bookcases. All that we were missing was the big musical number with Alfalfa and Darla.

This movie wasn’t even mildly O’Tay.