It’s been 7 long years since “The Mask of Zorro” came out starring Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta Jones. Why wait so long to make the sequel? It wasn’t because they were perfecting the script that’s for sure. If time equaled quality “Fat Albert” would sweep the Oscars. No my friends, the answer is much simpler than that.

 

Quiz me this oh movie watching public. What was the last HIT that either of these thespians had? Ahhh grasshopper. You learn quickly. This is why we’re getting another Rocky movie too (hard as it is to believe).

 

When the “Mask of Zorro” came out it was fun to watch Antonio go from a drunken loser to a master swordsman. In this movie he’s already a master swordsman so where do you go from here? How about into a troubled marriage? Wow, that’s exactly the escapism we all want from our boring lives. Maybe he could hate his job and just to add to the spicy gumbo let’s throw in that his property taxes have gone up!!

 

I guess they realized this, because as soon as you can say “this movie sucks” we get a lot of action. Well, action in that Zorro jumps around a lot. He jumps, he leaps, he does a back flip. I think I even saw a sashay or two in there. He also waves his sword around, and hits bad men with chunks of timber.

 

Do you know what Zorro doesn’t do?

 

Zorro doesn’t kill anyone.

 

Ever.

 

He’ll slap your ass with his sword, he’ll cut a hole in the seat of your pants, he might even kick you in the nut sack but rest assured that no matter how many peasants you shoot in the chest, no matter how many priests that you kill, no matter how many times you attempt to disembowel his family you will never, EVER die unless the barn that you set on fire falls onto your head and then it’s YOUR fault.

 

In fact, I’m pretty sure that I saw the same nameless henchmen getting knocked unconscious again and again. It was like watching a highlight reel of Eric Lindros’ hockey career.

 

Ya but the bad guy has to die right? I mean, what kind of action movie lets the bad guy live in the end? This ain’t the United Nations here. We want justice!!

 

Relax.

 

The rule in Hollywood is that if you’ve created some sort of terrible weapon then there’s always some sort of loose chain laying around to get wrapped around your ankle or your cape will get caught in the gears just as the thing explodes or falls off a cliff.

 

It’s like the ultimate shop class safety video. If they had ever been forced to make a wooden candy dish on a lathe they’d know not to wear a scarf near the spinning parts. Zorro doesn’t have to kill them, all he has to do is give them a nice piece of cherry wood and they’ll maim themselves.

 

When Zorro isn’t doing handsprings off a balcony we’re subjected to his cherub faced son’s hijinks.

 

Ahhhh, there’s nothing quite so original in movies today as a spunky little boy with a slingshot is there? Zorro Jr. of course has magically inherited all of his father’s gymnastic abilities and we get to watch scene after scene where he vaults over a villain’s back or where he wanders the streets of California alone in the middle of the night uncovering secret plots.

 

I’m feeling the urge to insert a Michael Jackson joke here but I’m in a 12 step program designed to wean me off mentioning the gloved one.

 

Ok… My sponsor says that I can say one “Sham-on” but that’s it.

 

Then there’s Ms. Zeta Jones.

 

Even that freaking Taco Bell Dog offered a more authentic Latin accent than Catherine. It sounded as if she couldn’t make up her mind whether her character was from Transylvania or Honduras. I guess if they ever cast a Mexican version of Dracula she’s a shoo-in for the part.

 

After two long hours the rollercoaster ride comes to an end.

 

What’s a roller coaster called when there aren’t any thrills?

 

Oh yeah. Let me rephrase.

 

After two long hours the subway ride through Clicheville comes to an end.

 

It was like watching a marathon of the Little Rascals quite honestly. There were cute kids with slingshots, swordfights in which no one dies and secret passageways hidden behind bookcases. All that we were missing was the big musical number with Alfalfa and Darla.

 

This movie wasn’t even mildly O’Tay.