Before I say anything about the movie I wish to discuss the heresy perpetuated by the director. We’ve all seen the homage to the video game in which the camera switches to first person view. If you’re going to waste 5 minutes of celluloid time showing us nothing more than a hand holding onto a gun, then where was the med pack? Doom without a med pack?!! That’s like watching a porno without the money shot. Go big or go home you losers.

 

For those of you who have never played the game “Doom” (let’s call you women for the sake of argument) let me break down the story for you. An ancient portal to Mars is discovered by a group of scientists who set up a colony to try and figure out if they can invent some sort of super weapon with the stuff laying around up there.

 

Wasn’t that movie called “Aliens” originally?

 

I think the new rule should be: “If you can’t make a successful movie based on the game “Pac Man”, then you aren’t allowed to make any more of these turds.”

 

Right from the onset of the movie we’re introduced to the marines who are going to investigate the horrible accident that has beset the scientists. They are assigned weapons that give them handles like “Reaper”, “Sarge” and “The Kid” which is guess is a lot less confusing than using their actual names and a lot less litigious than calling them “Mr. White”, “Mr. Pink” and “Mr. Black” because Quentin Tarantino would sue their asses off.

 

As usual when you have a large group of victims to pick off, the game becomes “who gets it first?”

 

Here’s how it always breaks down. The more bland the character, the sooner he gets chomped and likewise, the bigger the asshole, the longer the screen time.

 

If you can’t tell me the name of a character five minutes after his introduction, there’s a pretty good chance that his widow should start shopping for a new BMW right away because the insurance cheque is in the mail.

 

I’m also getting really tired of the bureaucrat who screws the soldiers in every one of these films.

 

You know the guy.

 

He’s always assigned to watch the door and then when you need to get through that damn door he locks it on you or he runs away.

 

I swear to God, if I ever have to rid some space base of an infestation of man eating space bugs I’m covering the guy in the lab coat with tenderizer and kicking his arse out of the air lock before I even look at the floor plan.

 

I sure as hell won’t be letting him walk behind me.

 

Then there’s the flooring choices. Must every space station have floors made out of metal grating?  Not only is it hard to sneak up on something if you’re wearing combat boots, but inevitably what you’re looking for is always hiding UNDER the floor.

 

Clank, clank clank… ahhhh something grabbed my foot!!!

 

This is why Italy needs to get a space program. We need some nice terrazzo tiles up there. It’s nicer to look at, nothing jumps up out of the floor and have you ever tried to get a piece of someone’s neck out of metal grating? It takes forever to clean.

 

The only thing that I wouldn’t change about these films would be the room temperature.

 

Give me a chilly, drafty room with a sexy female scientist in a tight t-shirt any day.

 

“Excuse me doctor, are you trying to smuggle some raisins out of the lab?”

 

My final beef are the aliens themselves. These things always drool more than a St. Bernard in a sauna.

 

Aliens do not eat soup.

 

So as video game movies go, this is better than “Alone in the Dark” but not as good as “Resident Evil.”

 

That’s like saying as far as groin injuries go it’s better than falling on the cross bar of your bicycle but not as good as a swift kick to the pills.