I was going to make some lame joke about Hermione starring in “The Gobbling of Harry’s …” but I couldn’t think of anything dirty that rhymes with “fire.”

Feel free to offer any suggestions.

 

Have you ever seen a Harry Potter movie? Here’s what to expect just in case you’re a Potter virgin.

  • A new teacher arrives at school and he is very suspicious looking
  • Harry learns some sort of spell that has absolutely nothing to do with the story, but it’s really cool to look at.
  • The audience is forced to watch yet another freaking game of “Quidditch” (only magical golf could be more boring to watch).
  • Annnnnnddd…. Someone is always trying to kill Harry.

For THIS, J.K. Rowling is a billionaire?

 

Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that someone is always trying to kill Harry. I’ve wanted the lisping little English faggot dead since the first film. How about someone tries to kill the redheaded kid just to shake things up?

 

Who could possibly be the person behind all of the attempts on Harry’s life?

If you guessed the strange and menacing new teacher then you’re an idiot.

In every one of these films, the strange and menacing new teacher is always the guy who saves Harry’s ass. That is unless (just to screw with your head), it really IS the strange and menacing new teacher.

Got that?

M. Night Shamalan eat your heart out.

There’s one inconsistency in these films that has always bugged the hell out of me. Harry is supposed to be the most powerful wizard every born.

He’s basically Jesus except that imagine that our Lord was a really shitty carpenter or that someone was slipping him a few extra loaves of bread and some fish when everyone was looking in the other direction.

The whole favoritism angle really ticks me off.

Every time Harry has been given a magical quest to complete there’s a sympathetic classmate or teacher, who gives him the answer or gives him some sort of rare herb so that he has an edge on the competition.

“Don’t worry about finding your way through that lost maze of trees Harry, just make sure that you go left.”

No one else is getting GPS coordinates beamed to them by the gardener!!

Harry Potter is the freaking Paris Hilton of Hogwarts. No wonder everyone hates his prissy ass.

Then there’s this part:

The “Harry came in second place, but because he did something brave or compassionate we’ll make up some extra points that puts him in first place” scene at the end of every movie.

I repeat.

Paris-fucking-Hilton.

Even when he loses he wins because Dumbledore always decides to add some bonus points that were never explained when the rules were read out to everyone.

If I was the poor bastard who was came in second because of a technicality I’d be saying:

“Hang on mate. If you had TOLD me that I could still win first place by helping the other guy, I wouldn’t have pulled a groin muscle racing for the finish line. I would have hung around the back and just helped the fat kid who couldn’t outrun the Dragon.”

One thing that this movie finally did right is to completely bypass his terrible home life. Usually we’re subjected to a scene in which his sadistic adopted (and mortal) family makes him live in a closet under the stairs, completely ignoring the fact that every year at school this wizard is learning how to cook you from the inside out. I always thought that these people had a death wish and I’m glad to see them gone.

Overall, these movies aren’t too bad but I’d really like to see something new happen just once. How about Harry gets expelled from Hogwarts? How about someone else’s life is threatened? How about Hermione gets locked out of the castle in a rainstorm wearing nothing but a white cotton wizard’s robe?

If you ask me, J.K. Rowlings is just re-writing the same damn story over and over.

Mind you, a lack of imagination never hurt George Lucas or Bill Gates either.