Sarcastic Movie Reviews

I saw the original Underworld back in 2003 but for the life of me I can’t really recall what the movie was about. It’s sort of like all those suppressed memories I have of sitting on Father Flannigan’s lap when I was a boy.

You know that things aren’t going well when they have to re-tell you what happened in the first movie just so that you can get what’s going on in the second movie. This isn’t an episode of 24 losers!! I don’t need to know how Jack escaped from being handcuffed to the nuclear bomb. Fortunately, this movie gives you more flashbacks than the Jell-O shooter tray at Gerry Garcia’s house.

I wonder if they have to pay the same actors twice for dying in both flicks? Maybe Bill Nighy can convince them to make a 3rd movie and then he can use the proceeds to build a pool house on his mansion.

Listen guys, if I had wanted to see “Underworld” again I would have rented it.

Get on with the freakin’ story already!

Anyway, for those of you who need the recap, let me save you 15 minutes of blurred shaky camera effects to fill you in. Vampires and Werewolves hate each other. Apparently it’s a working class thing. At the end of the last movie Selene falls in love with a Werewolf named Michael Corvin and he becomes some sort of super cross breed. A new race if you will that’s more powerful than both of the others combined.

Well, except that they completely ignore that little detail all together in this version.

This is the problem with making someone invincible. It’s kind of hard to advance the story once you’ve started the ass kicking machine. How interesting was it watching Neo fight the agents in the Matrix sequels when could beat 58 of them over the head with one hand? Yawn.

The poor screenwriter who is hired to write the sequel for these dung piles always has to “unearth” some ancient bastard who has been sealed in a tomb in some former soviet bloc country or a desert somewhere and then there’s always the guy who has discovered the key and then he opens the door and (as usual) the sleepy inhabitant rewards him by eating his head.

If I ever find a key to the tomb of some nasty creature, I’m attaching it to my new USB memory stick so that it will vanish forever (like the other 14 of those damn things I bought and promptly lost).

Getting on with the story… The original vampire is now loose and he wants to free his twin brother who is also imprisoned and just happens to be the original werewolf.

Even though his werewolf brother is crazy and has been killing anything that moves for hundreds of years he’s still “family”.

Awwwwwww… that’s so nice.

Give me a break. I spent most of my childhood hiding in the basement afraid for my life after eating the last Oreo cookie. The only reason I’m still here is because my brother discovered a bag of potato chips while looking for a hammer to cave my head in. He sure as hell wouldn’t have saved me if I were attacking him with my army on a nightly basis. He would have gutted me, sold my comic book collection and turned my bedroom into a showcase for his Star Wars action figures.

Basically the movie is an endless series of chases in which the original Vampire King chases and kills others while trying to find the key to free his brother.

This leads me back to Michael Corvin, the new “super beast” that can rip a werewolf’s head into two halves.

You see, the Vampire king is stronger.

Ok, so what the fuck was the whole first movie about then?

It’s like he’s Mike Tyson.

You THOUGHT he couldn’t be beat, but really he’s just one punch in the head away from trying to chew your ear off in desperation.

Then there’s the whole bullshit “sunlight” in a bullet thing. Give me the good old days when slaying a vampire was actually difficult. This movie is full of helicopter gunships and exploding drink coasters and killing mythical beasts in just about any way you can think of EXCEPT with a wooden steak in the heart.

Since when can a werewolf kill a vampire by chewing his head off?!!!

You want a scary vampire movie? Go rent “Fright Night.” At least the kids in that movie weren’t packing some garlic infused C4 demolition charges.

I can honestly say that for the entire 2 hours I really didn’t know what was going on because I kept trying to imagine how bad Kate must have smelled after running around in that tight latex suit all day. It must be like storing liver in a zip lock bag and letting sit under a heat lamp for a week.

Here’s one question I have to ask though.

If by killing the Vampire King means that all vampires die, and that killing the Werewolf King means that all werewolves die then shouldn’t killing the FATHER of the Vampire King and the Werewolf king mean that they both die?

It’s like a fucking exam in quadratic equations.

They might have explained it but by then I was probably figuring out what the dry cleaning costs on a latex bustier would be.

Sometimes you just don’t want to be surprised you know?

When I get up at 7 am and wander into the bathroom for my morning constitutional, the last thing I want to happen is to look down into the bowl afterwards and say “Whoa… honey come in and look at THIS!!”

The same thing happens when you get a mid winter feel good romantic comedy.

I’ll watch the film about pissed off Jewish hit men AFTER I get back from my Cuban vacation ok Spielberg?

When you get a film in which the main character discovers that she’s going to die the first thing you need to do is to look at who is making it.

If it stars a Swede and it’s directed by a German, then there’s pretty safe bet that there will be a funeral at the end of it and there will probably some kind of recurring imagery that will require many discussions with your film studies class back at the dorm.

If it stars a black American hip hop artist then there will be a huge lottery win, a scene in which she lands the new boyfriend and you can get out of the theatre without learning a damn thing.

“Last Holiday” is a nice little inoffensive film that everyone can enjoy. Making fun of this movie is like kicking a puppy that is licking ice cream off a kitten’s ear.

Basically the film is about how Queen Latifah is living a safe and boring life, too afraid to tell the man she has a crush on that she’s in love with him, too afraid to eat anything other than low calorie microwaveable dinners even though she’s an accomplished chef, and too afraid to talk back to her asshole boss because she has a nice safe job that pays her bills.

See, now this movie is supposed to “inspire” everyone out there to quit their jobs at the Virgin music store and run off to sky dive out of a hot air balloon with a naked stewardess like Richard Branson.

What’s stopping you moron?!! Quit your job, sell you car and let’s go white water rafting!! It should be fun for a month or so and then you can get a lovely little cardboard box for the underpass near your former house, or if you start sucking up the guy at Home Depot he’ll hire your 75 year old ass to work in the extension cord aisle when the cash runs out.

See now this isn’t what you want to hear now is it? You want escapism and fun.

In reality if you had 4 weeks to live your body would be wasting away, you’d have sores on your lips and you’d be pissing blood while patches of your hair fell off your scalp into your bowl of Corn Flakes.

Sure that would be funny, but not in a “date movie” funny way.

Queen Latifah discovers that she is going to die when she bumps her head and has an image taken of her brain on a “used” Cat Scan machine that her cheap employer has bought (see the ending that our Hollywood friends have written in for us?).

She tells her smug boss to go to hell and runs off to Europe to blow the remaining money she has in one last “goodbye” before the end.

Still expecting M. Night Shamalan to be directing this?

While in Europe Queen Latifah retains her humble personality while hobnobbing with the rich. This of course, impresses the staff who are used to being talked to like a McDonald’s employee at an Ashlee Simpson birthday party and yet she impresses the uptight rich folks with her “live for today” attitude.

Etc. etc. etc.

I’ll tell you what I did like about this film.

No freakin’ hip hop!! That’s right people!! Hollywood made a movie with two hip hop stars and not ONCE did LL Cool J jump up on stage with the Viennese Boy’s Choir and break it down with that human beat box microphone bullshit.

The first sign of the Apocalypse has arrived!!

Next surprise?

Not ONE scene in which the black brotha’s and sistah’s show dem uptight whitey folks in Europe how to git “jiggy” with it.

Yup. If you were looking forward to that “classic” scene in which Will Smith teaches some fat white bastard how to dance, or you were on the edge of your seat expecting Steve Martin to start talking jive to a gang of street wise black youths you’ll be disappointed.

Queen Latifah’s role could have been played by a hunchbacked Chinese waterfowl and it wouldn’t have made a lick of difference to the story (except that they’d have to explain the talking duck thing I guess).

AFFLACK!!!

Now, if they make a movie in which Steven Segal actually starts wheezing like a fat fuck in a street fight then I’d start sucking up to Jesus really fast because the end is near!!

Unfortunately the movie has some of the other lame Hollywood moments like the quintessential scene in which Queen Latifah tries on 15 ridiculous outfits for our enjoyment.

This piece of shit cliché needs a name.

How about to be “Liberacéd”?

All that I know is that if I see one more fucking movie in which some down and out loser walks into a fancy clothing store and marches out of the dressing room wearing one stupid outfit after another, I should be able to boot Michael Flatley in the nuts each time that some hack in the back row laughs out loud.

So there you have it.

It is what it is.

It’s not the puss filled patchy hair end death ending that you’d see in Norway, but I hear that some people like this sort of thing.