Firewall… a review
Hey, didn’t we just see a movie last year in which a guy was forced to do something illegal after a bunch of bad guys kidnapped his family? I’m almost cynical enough to think that Hollywood is running out of ideas.
Thank God Final Destination 3 is coming out in a few weeks.
When Harrison Ford played Han Solo back in 1977 he was already in his 30’s right? Where the hell does he get off playing the father of a 9 year old boy in 2006?
Harrison. You might be shtupping Calista Flockhart, but no one else is buying that you’re 42.
It’s time to admit that you’re a grandfather Han. Princess Leia’s boobs hang to her knees and Chewbacca was put down by a vet 15 years ago.
Get real.
But, let’s put on our pretend hats and just go with the flow.
Jack Stanfield (HARRISON FORD) is the resident security expert at a bank that is undergoing a merger with another financial institution. A trusted top-ranking executive, he has built his career and reputation on designing the most effective anti-theft computer systems in the industry.
Of course Jack is married to a successful architect named Beth (VIRGINIA MADSEN) because what fun would it be if his wife worked at Starbucks?
Seriously. What’s with the hard on that Hollywood has for freaking architects? When was the last time you saw someone that was a successful plumber or an insurance broker in a movie anyway?
“Jack Stanfield, a successful carpet installer discovers a microchip in a roll of purple shag delivered from Iran.”
Imagine trying to pitch that to Hollywood?
The story continues:
But there’s a vulnerability in Jack’s system that he has not accounted for….”himself.”
Bill Cox (PAUL BETTANY) has been studying Jack and his family for many months; monitoring their online activity, listening to their calls and learning their daily routines with an arsenal of digital and video recorders and parabolic microphones that tap into the most personal of information.
Leading a tight team of mercenary accomplices, he seizes control of the Stanfield house, making Beth and the kids terrified hostages in their own home and Jack his unwilling pawn in a scheme to steal $100 million from the Landrock Pacific Bank.
This is where the movie starts to become really funny. There’s a minor character named “Harry Romano” and towards the end Harrison starts talking about “Harry” and “Cox” with alarming frequency.
I started giggling like a schoolgirl much to the annoyed stares of the much more mature couple sitting beside me.
He should’ve called Harrison “Mike Hunt” (say it out loud to yourself 3 times really fast) just to really screw with the audience.
“Where’s Mike Hunt?”
“I think I saw him with Harry and Cox.”
You’re laughing. Admit it.
If a group of bank robbers takes your family hostage and they’re all wearing latex gloves (so as not to leave any fingerprints) but they don’t bother trying to hide their faces from you, how long do you think that they’re planning on letting you live once the money is transferred into a Swiss bank account anyway?
Harrison is a bright man. Are you telling me he wouldn’t have figured that little detail out 20 seconds after he has a gun pointed at him?
I would’ve slammed my Mercedes into the first police car I saw and tried wrestling the gun out of the loser’s hand during the commotion. Not only would the story have taken on a more realistic tone, but that scenario opens up a whole new complex series of possible events.
Ahhh screw logic.
In this movie Bill Cox keeps switching back and forth between and American and British accent faster than Kevin Costner did in Robin Hood. Is there a reason for this? Is this so that if he gets caught the witnesses are going to say…
“Waaaaait a minute. That can’t be the guy. The criminal was BRITISH not American!!”
Don’t laugh. I’m sure OJ was going to use it as a backup plan just in case.
Anyway, the movie starts to spiral out of control as people start doing increasingly stupid things. Jack starts breaking into people’s homes and insists on touching the murder victims and the murder weapons (Hello Jack… did you not notice that everyone else is wearing GLOVES?!!), Bill Cox starts killing his own henchmen faster than Saddam Hussein with PMS ($100 million stolen? Ya, meet me in the dark warehouse and I’ll give you your share after this is over… HONEST), and for some reason the kidnappers take the family dog with them when they go on the lam.
What? Are they afraid that Lassie is going to sniff their crotches in a police line up when the corpses surface in the quarry?
This movie is yet another example of lazy writing.
Just remember, that it’s always easier to jump through a window and wrestle a man holding a machine gun to the floor near a freshly dug trench with a pick axe laying around that it is to call the police on your cell phone.
Harrison.
For God’s sake.
You’re 83.
Stop doing car chases.
