I knew things weren’t looking good. The premiere was at 9pm on a Thursday. You know what that means don’t you? It means that the newspapers can’t publish a review of the movie until Saturday which means that the studio gets the video game geeks to shell out millions before word gets out that the film sucks.

It’s like finding out that your blind date has a great personality.

This ain’t gonna be pleasant.

I soldiered on despite me trepidation because there have been a couple of good movies based on video games haven’t there? Ok, so besides “Doom”, “Alone in the Dark”, “Super Mario Brothers”, “Final Fantasy”, “Tomb Raider”, “Wing Commander”, “Street Fighter” and “Double Dragon.” 

It’s like a Stephen King flick.

Once in a while there’s a decent one that makes you forget about all those television adaptations with spider clowns and time eating pac men (I still can’t believe that cross eyed bastard is rich).

Where shall I begin? Well, as usual we have a little girl who makes disturbing drawings in her spare time. Think of it as Hell’s fax machine. Anyway, her parents are freaked out by the whole thing and so her mother decides that the best course of action is to turn off her cell phone, and engage the police in a high speed chase into a deserted mining town in the middle of a rain storm.

Who the hell is her mother, Britney Spears?  Why not hit for the cycle and slam back a 40 of Jack Daniels while you apply makeup in the rear view mirror?

Long gone are the days when some little boy with a bowl cut hairstyle menaced the screens. Today’s devil child must be a chick and have long brown or black hair that is stringy enough so that her beady little eyes can peer out from her bowed head.

Another trend that’s really bugging me is this whole jerky walk thing that evil creatures do. It’s like they all have polio or something. I’m sorry but am I supposed to be afraid when evil clearly needs a knee brace? It’s like being attacked by one of “Jerry’s Kids.” If you see the short bus pull up, you’ll still have a good 15 minutes to get away while they lower the ramp.

Getting back to the mother. After she has an accident (like you didn’t see that coming) she awakens to find herself alone in the car and her child is missing. After a few entertaining moments in which she is harassed by char-broiled demon babies she meets the hot lesbian looking cop who was chasing her.

Anyone up for a tickle fight? Where’s that kiddie pool of lube when you need it?

Fortunately due to the 15 year old boy factor, both mom and the carpet munching
cop have to remove any extra clothing that would get in the way of displaying their great racks.

Wearing a leather jacket? That’s not going to turn transparent if I spray liquid on it. Write something in so that she can get rid it.

Ok, I’ve got a bucket of goo here. Who shall I spray it on? What? The cop’s shirt is made of a high quality polycotton blend? Forget that. If I squint hard enough I can almost make out the mom’s nipples. Let’s hose HER down.

The rest of the movie breaks down like this:

The boob twins walk around in a winter wonderland, except that instead of snow falling to the ground it’s ash.

Occasionally a siren sounds and the sky turns black. This is followed by swarms of man eating cockroaches, a shirtless guy with a metal pyramid for a head who carries a huge sword, semi-naked headless creatures who spray stuff at you and of course the obligatory little girl who always runs away and cries and never ever shows her face.

Somehow whenever the mother is about to be impaled by a giant sword or consumed by something evil, the siren sounds and the nightmare ends.

It might be Hell, but it’s still unionized.

In the middle of all that is evil lays a church. It’s no church you’ve ever heard of and it’s inhabitants make the Children of the Corn look welcoming.

In between sirens (when the minions of Satan are sleeping), the chosen ones run around the city gathering canned food. I don’t know how long this town has been burning but I don’t remember seeing a Wal Mart kicking around. How often are the shelves re-stocked at the deli? They must be getting down to eating artichoke hearts and shoe polish by now wouldn’t you think?

I’d like to go on but I can’t. The projectionist put the final reel of the movie in upside-down and backwards. The funny part was that for a full 2 minutes no one knew that it was a mistake. People thought that it was some cryptic dream sequence and it was only when the lights came on that everyone realized that it was a mistake.

After almost two hours of nothing making sense, the Titanic could have fallen from the sky and crushed a banjo playing goat and no one would blink.

I’m SURE that the final 20 minutes make TOTAL sense though (cough cough).