Sarcastic Movie Reviews

I’m sitting here in my Herman Miller Aeron Chairs, sipping a Coca Cola and typing this blog on a Dell Computer.

Hey, until I get someone pays me to write this damn column I’m going to need some sponsors!!

Think I’m selling out?

Screw that.

If Hollywood can do it than why can’t I?

Unless you’re one of those beret wearing math club types who only watch bleak Russian documentaries on tundra snow gnats you may have noticed a little thing called “Product Placement.”

I have no problem if Tom Cruise kicks someone’s ass in front of a Pepsi Billboard, as long as someone gets a compound fracture. Product placement shouldn’t be distracting. If someone has a soft drink in their hand I actually find it annoying if it has a fake label on it. To me that stands out MORE than if it’s a cool and refreshing Dr. Pepper (now with only 2 calories a serving).

However, let’s leave the rant on product placement for a second. We’ll get back to that later.

Is there anyone out there who was thinking to themselves:

“Wow, I only have two animated movies with ants in my DVD collection. I wish someone would make a THIRD movie!!?”

I’m sure there are, but these are the same losers who pine for their missing foreskin and tie fishing weights to their knob with elastic bands.

In my mind, I think we’ve pretty much covered the daily goings on in the old ant colony.

They work.

They work as a team.

They’re small, but if they work as a team they can overcome obstacles.

Technically the television show Fraggle Rock has already pretty much beat every storyline you could think of to death in the arena of “tiny creatures that live underground” eh?

The Ant Bully is basically about a kid named Lucas who vents his frustration at being picked on by an older boy by hosing down the ant colony that lives in his front yard with a water pistol.

One night, the ants sneak into his room and shrink him down to their size so that he can (groan) learn the value of teamwork as he spends a couple of days as an ant.

Blah Blah blah.

Let’s break down the rip offs.

Ok, so first we have the character called Zoc. He’s the crazy wizard ant who’s always trying to come up with a new potion or invention to make the ant’s life easier. He’s basically Flik from “A Bug’s Life” except that he’s competent and respected in the colony.

There’s Hova but she’s your typical bland female role. She’s technically the heart and soul in the movie except that you could replace her with a roll of wet paper towels and no one would miss a beat. It always seems that a woman’s job in these movies is to convince the more interesting characters not to do the things that makes them interesting in the first place.

Let’s just call her Princess Leia.

We have another female role and her name is Kreela. Kreela is the hip African American actor that all movies must have now. She’s Hova except that she’s black. Her role is to have a witty comeback when the roguish ant “Fugax” hits on her.

Fugax is Buzz Lightyear.

Beetle, Fly and Glowworm are Dory (finding Nemo), Francis (the male Ladybug from Bug’s Life) and Marvin (the manic depressant robot from “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”).

There’s also cattle rustling wasps that are basically the grasshoppers from a Bug’s Life except that they really have nothing to do with the story.

The real protagonist in this film is the exterminator character named “Stan Beals.” 

You might be thinking to yourself  “AHA!! No other animated movie has an exterminator character in it” but that’s because you were so busy taking your kids to see “Ice Age 2”, “The Wild”, “Cars”, “Monster House”, “Hoodwinked”, and “Curious George”, that you forgot to see “Over The Hedge” which has the EXACT SAME CHARACTER in it!!

At this point the movie is dull, but it’s not offensive.

That’s when the product placement rears it’s ugly head.

The ants love to eat “sweet rocks”.

What the hell are sweet rocks you might ask?

They’re 200 ft high jelly beans with the logo “Jelly Belly” stamped on them. They even get into an argument over which flavour is better, and when Lucas returns to human size he promises to sprinkle a package or two around the nest to feed them.

You see, The Ant Bully is nothing more than a 1.5 hour long commercial for Jelly Belly brand jelly beans.

I can’t believe the balls on these guys. Have they no shame?

This blog was brought to you by Herman Miller Aeron Chairs (Great Looks, Solid Performance), Coca Cola (Make Every Drop Count), Dell Computer (Dude, It’s a Dell), Pepsi Cola (It’s THE Cola), Dr. Pepper (There’s More To It), and Scientology (Try Our New and Improved Tin Foil Hats).

Today’s lesson is symbolism.

Imagine a paper bag.

Now envision that the paper bag is on fire.

The flames lick at the night sky as the bag smolders on your doorstep.

“Lady in the Water” is what’s in the bag.

M. Night Shyamalan is a guy who spent way too much time in film studies class reading the chapter on “symbolism” and then slept through the whole 3rd semester on plot development.

For those of you who aren’t in the know, Mr. Shamalamadingdong likes to use the colour red in his films. I’m sure it means something to him, but to me it’s as annoying as product placement in a porn movie.

Is there a reason that the janitor is wiping the railing with a red cloth? Is there a reason that woman in the chair is wearing a red sweater? Is there a reason that Tom Cruise is kicking some guy’s ass in front of the Pepsi billboard?

I’m sure that some pretentious expert in films is going to say “The colour red signifies a diametric change in the protagonist’s character arc” but those are the same people who would buy a bottled fart and tell you that it’s a Tibetan aphrodisiac.

As it stands now, there are just way too many red rooms, red books, red shoes and red sweaters in this freaking movie.

Do you know what it represents to me? It represents the fact that I could be next door watching a GOOD movie.

The movie supposedly revolves around an ancient Chinese fable, but it sounds more like it was made up by a 200 pound guy from a Laundromat in Jersey.

Change the water in your bong as you try to wrap your head around THIS:

At the dawn of time, mankind came from the water.

Man is happy and the water spirits communicate with him.

Man leaves the water and goes onto land, stops listening to water, becomes greedy, starts killing each other and forgets all about the broads back there in the lake.

If I had to draw a comparison, it would be your girlfriend attempting to discuss her feelings with you during the Stanley Cup playoffs.

One day the women in the water decide that it’s really important to talk to man, so they start sending their daughters to Koi ponds, car washes, and the occasional “Slip ‘n Slide” in the hope that they will make a connection.

Unfortunately there are a group of grass covered demon dogs that find these water nymphs rather tasty and they just gobble them up.

Imagine trying to deliver a bucket of fried chicken to Kiera Knightly while she’s staying at Oprah’s house and it’s pretty much the same idea.

Basically these water nymphs (or Narfs as they’re called) must meet with the “chosen one” (in this case a guy who has writer’s block) and inspire him to keep writing.

After the Narf completes her mission, the demon dogs (I think they’re called Skranks) will leave her alone, and then a giant eagle can swoop down and carry her back to “The Blue World”.

Now, here’s where it gets a bit tricky.

The Skranks aren’t allowed to attack the Narfs once they’ve completed their task because they are being watched by “demon monkeys” who enforce the rules.

Stay with me people…

Now, if a Narf was to actually be a “Queen” Narf… WELL… then that changes everything!!

You see, the Skranks would be willing to defy the demon monkey so that they could eat the Queen Narf.

I guess the Queen Narfs taste like Nacho Cheese.

Unfortunately for the Narfs, the Demon Monkey overlords are about as effective as the United Nations at a keg party when it comes to intervening in global conflict.

Does this sound like an ancient Oriental story to you?

Here’s the truth people.

M. Night made up this tale as a bedtime story for his kids.

Noooooooooooooo….

Wow, that’s the biggest twist since I left a steaming coil in the bathroom this morning.

Newsflash Sham-on.

Just because your 5 year old rug rat was entranced by your lame assed fable doesn’t mean that a 37 year old accountant will be, unless can find one who enjoys the taste of snot and looking at bugs on the sidewalk.

How hard is it to impress a kid anyway?

Make a pancake with a smiley face out of blueberries and you’re a God.

I really gotta get off my ass and finish my screenplay.

Are you sure you still want to see this?

Well, maybe you’ve been bedridden for 10 years and suddenly you can walk and there’s only one movie theatre in town and they’re giving out free popcorn and maybe there’s a chance to win a Porsche that night.

Personally I still don’t think it’s worth going, but what the hell…

Let me fill in the rest of the story.

Now, the Narf (whose name is “Story” by the way) needs to find “The Storyteller” which is some loser who lives in an apartment complex that Paul Giamti is the Superintendent of.

At first Story thinks that Paul is “The Storyteller” but he isn’t getting a tingly feeling inside even though Story is naked.

Maybe we should call Paul the “gay” Superintendent eh?

Once Story finds the “The Storyteller” she tries to leave but wouldn’t you know it, the giant eagle is late!!

When the Skrank tries to eat her, she has to go back to Paul and explain to him (actually he figures it out using an old Chinese woman and hand gestures in a shower, buy why complicate things?) that he has to figure out who “The Guild” are, who “The Interpreter” is, who “The Healer” is and finally who “The Guardian” is.

Is it just me, or does this sound like the worst Czechoslovakian video game ever made?

The only thing worse than the story in this film is the acting.

Did I mention that M Night plays “The Storyteller” in the movie?

Earth to Ego.

I wouldn’t let you write and star in a hemorrhoid commercial if you were flaming ass bulge #3.

I didn’t think it was possible to write a more stupid movie than “Signs” (Aliens who are allergic to water invade planet covered in water and get locked in a pantry when someone jams a chair under the door knob), but we’ve lowered the bar once again.

The only way that I can think of M Night Shazam making a worse movie than this, would be if he wrote a story about a man with talking toes (in red socks of course) who was trying to find the mystical nail clippers of Bamdillikarap that was guarded by the angry demon turtles of Subury.

Actually, that sounds like it would make more sense.

I have a theory about Hollywood and it goes like this: “Original ideas are like fossil fuel.”

There is a very limited quantity, and most of it has to be imported from another country.

If you think I’m being cynical then wait until you see the trailer for the next “Rocky” movie. Yes, you heard me correctly. Rocky is making a comeback and before you start laughing keep in mind that Harrison Ford is reprising the role of Indiana Jones too.

I swear to God, if I see a 65 year old Sharon Stone opening her legs for Basic Instinct 3 I’m going to dig the eyes out of my head with a spoon.

If it’s not a sequel to 20 year old film franchise, it’s a remake of a 20 year old television show. I think that getting the movie rights to a television show are probably as difficult as getting a condo with an ocean view in Hawaii nowadays.

What do you do if you’re a family of film makers who don’t have a boatload of cash?

Well, you could try to think of an original idea, write a screenplay and then film it, but that’s just so “Napoleon Dynamite.”

Instead, why not just steal the plot line from a Bugs Bunny cartoon and then drag it out for another 86 minutes?

Don’t get confused though.

Bugs never actually appears in the story.

Wayyyyy back in the 1950’s there was a cartoon made called “Baby Bugs Bunny” in which a midget bank robber on the run from the police pretends to be an abandoned baby so that Bugs will look after him.

Rather than simply use a midget in the role, the Wayans’ brothers felt that it would me much more funny to digitally superimpose one of their head’s onto the midget’s body.

I guess when you have a whole freaking family of unemployed comics you have to find everyone a job.

In a cartoon you might believe that a grown man could fool Bugs Bunny into taking care of him, because after all, we’re talking about a 6 ft tall talking rodent here. No one is really putting too much stock into the whole “reality” thing.

When was the last time you saw a baby with a full set of teeth?

Maybe if this family was retarded it’d make sense, but even in a comedy you have to take a few seconds to try and explain these things. They even go so far as to have him examined which reveals a scar from a knife fight, adult bridgework, and a tattoo which doesn’t concern the doctor at all.

The Wayans’ brothers must have been exhausted from not thinking of a story because for the next hour or so the film becomes endless scenes of people farting and getting hit in the groin.

For fun, use the Count’s voice from Sesame Street and scream out loud “Ten, TEN hits in the groin, ah ah ah” everytime they fall back on this shtick.

There was one refreshing touch of originality, which was a violent touch football game with a steroid taking dad who hammers the protagonist into the ground again and again.

I’ve never seen that before!!

I know, you’re saying to yourself “Hey they ripped off “The Wedding Crashers” but since they used a midget I’d say it’s closer to a “Nacho Libré.”

I’ve saved the best for last though.

How devoid of talent do you think this family is when it comes to writing a screenplay?

How desperate were they to crank out a screenplay that they would do something SO pathetic that even Rob Schneider (who makes an appearance by the way) wouldn’t do this in one of his Deuce Bigalow sequels?

Ok, so we’ve had the obligatory farting, and groin injury moments right?

At this point they were so hard up to think of another hil-arious scene that they actually (and I’m not kidding here) ripped off, moment for moment, that scene in the ORIGINAL Bugs Bunny cartoon, where Bugs is putting “Baby-Faced Finster” to bed and as he turns out the light, Finster whacks him repeatedly in the head with a baseball bat.

You know the gag.

Bugs gets whacked 3 times, until then he begins to suspect something. 

He leans over and says “click” which fools Finster into whipping out the bat and going to town again.They even used the actual word “click” in the film. I’m lost for words.

Is their next movie going to have an invisible floating guy with a big head named “The Great Gazoo?”

Maybe they’ll whack a dragon in the head with a shovel and say “When I sez whoa, I means WHOA.” 

I’m just praying that ghost of Mel Blanc comes back from the dead with a whole box full of deadly Acme products and that he drops an anvil on the head of Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Remember when finding an animated movie used to be like looking for a nice picnic spot in Israel’s West Bank?

You could find one, but you had to look really hard and if you tried to find it again the next week, it would probably be gone.

Animated movies were something to be treasured. You had to savor them.

They were like that last salted potato chip before your wife put you on a bean sprout diet for the next 2 years.

They never made money and telling someone that you were an animator was slightly less respectful than being a mime in a strip club.

Today an animated movie takes 2 frat boys with a Mac three weeks to crank out, and as long as it has a pinecone farting in it you’ll make more money than Exxon.

I still don’t understand why the producers insist on hiring a truck load of minor actors to do the voice work though. Was there anyone sitting in the fence about seeing this film, but then you changed your mind because you found out that Fred Willard was voicing the character of the dad? How big is the Catherine O’Hara fan club anyway? Are the 56 people in Scarborough who actually find her funny going to make or break this film?

Here’s an idea.

Hire some high school drama teachers and let THEM do the voice overs. It would cost you a pizza, a case of beer and 300 bucks a day (in other words, one tenth of what you paid Jon Heder for the 6 lines of dialogue he had in this movie).

If you’ve grown tired of films that show how predators and prey can all live together in harmony in the sea, or the jungle, or in prehistoric times then rejoice!!

This movie has nothing to say to your kids except “BOO!!”

You can bring little Johnny to see this but if he’s under 10 years old then you’d better warm up a spot for him in the bed next to you when the house creaks at 3 am.

This movie is about a house that eats people and the only people who know the truth are 3 pre-teens who live across the street and they have to figure out how to stop the beast before Halloween arrives the next day.

Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you if you insist on dragging your toddler to see this. The only animal that is in this film doesn’t talk and it gets eaten by the house.

For the rest of us though, this movie is highly entertaining and pretty freaking violent.

It’s not quite up there with Heavy Metal, but I’d say that this is the closest thing anyone has come to making an animated movie for adults in 20 years.

Ah what the hell… bring your daughter and if she whines about making her bed the next day, tell her that you’re going to put barbeque sauce on her head and send her into the basement.