Sarcastic Movie Reviews

How you enjoy this movie is totally dependant on what your mindset is going in.

Let’s take the beginning of the movie for example.

Sean Jones, a hip 20 something whips along a trail on his dirt bike and stops to cool off by drinking a Red Bull beneath the steamy canopy in the heart of the Hawaiian islands.

Who the hell drinks Red Bull to quench their thirst? Firstly I carry urine samples to the doctor with more liquid in it than a can of Red Bull, and secondly it’s liquefied speed.

The day I see an athlete pounding back an energy drink to slake a parched throat on a hot day is the day that cardiac arrest becomes an Olympic event.

Anyway, as he’s wiping his lips he witnesses a hideous murder involving gangster Eddie Kim, which freaks him out and he flees, making just enough noise so that the bad guys notice him.

Kim’s henchmen track him down to his apartment, but fortunately as they’re breaking down the front door, Neville Flynn (Sammy Jackson) sneaks in the back and saves the day.

If this were any other movie, I’d be asking how Sammy and the bad guys knew where to find Sean, and more importantly why anyone would waste the time drilling out a door lock when the patio door is wide open?

However, this is “Snakes on a Plane.”

You want those plot holes filled?

Snakes live in holes bitch.

Maybe you’d be happier watching a documentary on how they get wax paper to a supermarket in Bolivia.

Don’t bother me with details.

I could go into things like why Neville and Sean get onto a plane full of angry poisonous snakes, but quite honestly it’s like trying to justify how the pizza guy is managing to bang a room full of buxom cheerleaders in a porno.

Does anyone really care?

Let’s see that snake pizza boy!!

For the next two hours the movie is really about who lives and who dies.

There’s the Paris Hilton character with the Chihuahua (which is SO last month because everyone knows that kinkajous are in now), the stewardess who’s working her last shift before she goes to law school (even though she’s 46), the asshole British guy (French, German, or New Yorker would also suffice), the germaphobic Rap Star and his two fat bodyguards, the large breasted woman and her muscular boyfriend (can you say “mile high club”?), the obligatory 10 year old kid, and of course the young mother with her bite sized baby.

Other than that it’s a cast of faceless dozens whose bloated corpses will soon fill the aisles.

This movie is all about dying.

As each person shuffles off the mortal coil, it’s up to them to outdo the previous victim with a creative snake bite.

You really don’t want to be the guy who croaks by getting bit on the arm after the fat woman had her eye pulled out do you?

Pity the poor bastard who has been living in crappy apartment for the last 10 years hoping to score his big break in a movie and when the day finally comes, all he gets to do is flail his arm for 3 seconds before he runs into the drink cart.

Mom would be so proud… sniff.

Fortunately the makers of this film have the formula down to a science. They never take themselves seriously and the audience is more in the mood to laugh than they are to scream.

If you want to see a well made “B” film that will bookmark well beside “RoboCop” and “Tremors” then rush out and see this.

If you want to see a gripping edge of your seat thriller, then what the hell are you complaining about?

You just paid to see a movie called “Snakes on a Plane” you moron. What did you expect?

I love screwing with a kid’s mind.

To me there’s nothing funnier than screaming “We’re all gonna die!!” and running into a basement when a thunderstorm approaches, or placing a water balloon filled with ketchup on the lawn and asking “Hey, have you seen the dog?” just as I run it over.

Twisted as I am, I have to take my hat off to the makers of the movie “Barnyard.”

You want to mess a kid up?

Try explaining to little Billy why a cow (complete with udders) has a man’s name and a man’s voice?!!

Then, just as he starts to get it, introduce some lady cows (yes I know it’s redundant) that look the exactly the same as the men except that they have bows in their hair.

How lazy are these guys anyway? Would it have killed them to alter the wireframe prototype on the computer and make it a bull?

I’m not asking that they animate some huge swinging testicles out there, but would it have killed them to get rid of the udders?!!

See that button called “delete”?

Why did they do this? I really have no idea.

Anyway, kids don’t care about details unless you screw up a dinosaur’s name or get some video game character’s special power wrong. Then you’re an idiot.

“Barnyard” is a fairly simple tale. It’s about a fun loving teenager bull (er, cow), who would rather spend his day acting like a human than being responsible like his dad “Ben”.

Remember that famous “Farside” comic strip where the cows are all standing on their hind legs and chatting until one of them says “car” and then they all drop onto four legs and say “moo”?

That’s the big joke here. In fact, that joke eats up about 75% of the movie.

I hope Gary Larson is suing them into next week.

Other than watching animals dance, sing and order pizza the movie is really about a pack of coyotes who want to eat the chickens in the farm.

Ben, the wise old cow is the sole defense between the pack and the chicken coop and when he dies in a savage fight it’s up to Otis to step in and save everyone.

Ok, so are these coyotes Hindu? They’re hungry and they just killed a cow, but they don’t bother barbecuing a few burgers?

Helloooo… starving dogs?

Dead cow!!

This cartoon is SO unrealistic. They should have at least shown them tearing out the genitals and eating the eyes.

Anyway, I want to point out a disturbing trend that I’ve noticed in these cartoons.

America is full of black people.

It’s true.

I’ve seen the photos.

Now, you’d think that they’d get a major role in a couple of these films wouldn’t you?

Maybe even the HERO once in a while?

Well, this summer every major black character seems to be thus:

The minor female character who gets hit on by some annoying male, who may or may not be from another species.

If that’s too long we can shorten it to say “Wanda Sykes.”

Wanda must be kicking herself for letting the role of “Kreela” in the “Ant Bully” slip away.

Think of how much she could have grown as an actor by playing an ant that was getting hit on by a *gasp* ant!!

Now that I think of it, wasn’t Eddie Murphy’s donkey character forced to do it with a dragon?

Where the hell is the NAACP?!!

Finally, you have to ask yourself “What should every kid’s movie have?”

Put your hand down if you said “farting”.

Yes, I’m talking to you Pixar.

Don’t bother saying some baby character with a speech impediment either. That’s a given.

No, what I’m talking about is a really horrific antagonist that’s so mean and evil that he forces the under 5 set to burst out in tears.

Now THAT’S entertainment folks.

I was almost falling asleep, until the wails from behind me snapped me out of the 30 gallon cup coke coma.

Forget having a mildly evil character (Hannibal Lechter looked kind of cute in his overalls and muzzle), you have to see these coyotes!!

These kids went off like a fireworks factory in Beirut.

Let me say this. I couldn’t remember if the floors were sticky before I showed up, but I started walking on the armrests of the seats once the credits rolled just to be safe.

All in all it’s a fairly mediocre animated film that will be completely forgotten when “Open Season,” “Everyone’s Hero”, “Happy Feet”, and “Flushed Away” open in the following weeks.

BTW, I’d like to congratulate Hollywood for sparing us from releasing yet another animated film in the month of October.

I’m getting a chubby just thinking about it.