I love screwing with a kid’s mind.

To me there’s nothing funnier than screaming “We’re all gonna die!!” and running into a basement when a thunderstorm approaches, or placing a water balloon filled with ketchup on the lawn and asking “Hey, have you seen the dog?” just as I run it over.

Twisted as I am, I have to take my hat off to the makers of the movie “Barnyard.”

You want to mess a kid up?

Try explaining to little Billy why a cow (complete with udders) has a man’s name and a man’s voice?!!

Then, just as he starts to get it, introduce some lady cows (yes I know it’s redundant) that look the exactly the same as the men except that they have bows in their hair.

How lazy are these guys anyway? Would it have killed them to alter the wireframe prototype on the computer and make it a bull?

I’m not asking that they animate some huge swinging testicles out there, but would it have killed them to get rid of the udders?!!

See that button called “delete”?

Why did they do this? I really have no idea.

Anyway, kids don’t care about details unless you screw up a dinosaur’s name or get some video game character’s special power wrong. Then you’re an idiot.

“Barnyard” is a fairly simple tale. It’s about a fun loving teenager bull (er, cow), who would rather spend his day acting like a human than being responsible like his dad “Ben”.

Remember that famous “Farside” comic strip where the cows are all standing on their hind legs and chatting until one of them says “car” and then they all drop onto four legs and say “moo”?

That’s the big joke here. In fact, that joke eats up about 75% of the movie.

I hope Gary Larson is suing them into next week.

Other than watching animals dance, sing and order pizza the movie is really about a pack of coyotes who want to eat the chickens in the farm.

Ben, the wise old cow is the sole defense between the pack and the chicken coop and when he dies in a savage fight it’s up to Otis to step in and save everyone.

Ok, so are these coyotes Hindu? They’re hungry and they just killed a cow, but they don’t bother barbecuing a few burgers?

Helloooo… starving dogs?

Dead cow!!

This cartoon is SO unrealistic. They should have at least shown them tearing out the genitals and eating the eyes.

Anyway, I want to point out a disturbing trend that I’ve noticed in these cartoons.

America is full of black people.

It’s true.

I’ve seen the photos.

Now, you’d think that they’d get a major role in a couple of these films wouldn’t you?

Maybe even the HERO once in a while?

Well, this summer every major black character seems to be thus:

The minor female character who gets hit on by some annoying male, who may or may not be from another species.

If that’s too long we can shorten it to say “Wanda Sykes.”

Wanda must be kicking herself for letting the role of “Kreela” in the “Ant Bully” slip away.

Think of how much she could have grown as an actor by playing an ant that was getting hit on by a *gasp* ant!!

Now that I think of it, wasn’t Eddie Murphy’s donkey character forced to do it with a dragon?

Where the hell is the NAACP?!!

Finally, you have to ask yourself “What should every kid’s movie have?”

Put your hand down if you said “farting”.

Yes, I’m talking to you Pixar.

Don’t bother saying some baby character with a speech impediment either. That’s a given.

No, what I’m talking about is a really horrific antagonist that’s so mean and evil that he forces the under 5 set to burst out in tears.

Now THAT’S entertainment folks.

I was almost falling asleep, until the wails from behind me snapped me out of the 30 gallon cup coke coma.

Forget having a mildly evil character (Hannibal Lechter looked kind of cute in his overalls and muzzle), you have to see these coyotes!!

These kids went off like a fireworks factory in Beirut.

Let me say this. I couldn’t remember if the floors were sticky before I showed up, but I started walking on the armrests of the seats once the credits rolled just to be safe.

All in all it’s a fairly mediocre animated film that will be completely forgotten when “Open Season,” “Everyone’s Hero”, “Happy Feet”, and “Flushed Away” open in the following weeks.

BTW, I’d like to congratulate Hollywood for sparing us from releasing yet another animated film in the month of October.

I’m getting a chubby just thinking about it.