Friday, September 15, 2006

The Gridiron Gang… a review

Reviewing movies like this is really like reviewing a recipe for Rice Crispy Squares.

Are there “that” many surprises left?

In the oft chance that you’re some poor Austrian girl who was locked up in a garage for the last decade I’ll give you the rundown on how these films work.

First you have your troubled inner city youth that society has given up on. The level of violence in the story depends on when the film was made and what the colour of your skin is.

For instance, if the movie was made in the 60’s and it stars someone named “LuLu” then the students might put their feet on their desks and chew gum in class.

*gasp*… the HORROR!!

However, if the movie was made in 2006 and the students are from a visible minority, then you should look for people carrying a Springfield Micro-Compact with an ambidextrous safety, three-dot tritium sights and extended beavertail grip safety that carries Federal American Eagle 230-grain FMJ ammo.

If the movie was made with white students then they’ll be learning forbidden poetry from some bearded guy in a cape.

Basically there’s always a teacher/coach/guidance counselor/dance instructor who thinks that he/she can inspire the kids to rise above their meager socio-economic surroundings and take on the rich school in chess/ballroom-dancing/football/or a spelling bee.

Personally, I’m waiting for the big “sandcastle” movie to happen.

The rich kids from Malibu have won the trophy for the last 12 years, but a scrappy band of Latinos from Los Angeles plan to take them on.

Carlos -”But we ain’t got no sand mang. How we gonna beat them?”

Coach - “We’ve got broken glass don’t we Carlos?

Carlos - “Ya mang, we got lots of dat.”

Coach - “You know what else we got?”

Carlos - “A dead body in the alley?”

Coach - “We’ve got heart Carlos. Now let’s get rid of that body and build us a winning castle!!”

Insert swelling music.

So does the Gridiron Gang work as a movie?

When was the last time you had a truly bad rice crispy square?

I’m going to run a movie festival with nothing but titles like “The Principal”, “To Sir With Love”, “Coach Carter”, and “Stand and Deliver” and I’m bringing a blender.

I’m going to toss all of the movies inside and puree the bastards for about 30 seconds and then I’m going to splice them back together randomly.

Maybe the Hispanic girl who’s pregnant from the gang banger will run across the soccer field, past the Karate championship, just in time to see the Irish kid with the abusive father spell the word “URSPRACHE”.

The Gridiron Gang is totally predictable, and it’s been done 10 million times already.

In other words, it’s chewy, has a hint of vanilla extract and tastes very familiar.

Posted by rtheygood at 13:03:34 | Permalink | No Comments »

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Hollywoodland… a review

Imagine in about 20 years that someone in Hollywood decides to make a movie about the life of Dana Plato.

Your grandchildren will be about as excited then as the average person today is about watching a movie covering the death of George Reeves.

This was probably the scandal that eclipsed the great Betty Crocker bake off fix of 1952. Why exactly do I care again?

For those of you not wearing adult diapers yet, George was a huge television star back in the 50’s who played the role of Superman.

After Mr. Reeves’ career sputtered to a halt, he became depressed, and then one night at a house party he wandered up stairs and blew his brains out.

Or did he?

For all I care, he might be playing cards with Bob Crane (Hogan’s Heroes) and Uncle Charlie (My Three Sons) in a Taiwanese brothel.

This is the movie that asks the question, “If a nosey detective who lives in a sleazy motel asks too many questions, will he get beat up by someone when the lights don’t work after he comes home alone late at night?”

I tell ya, I was on the edge of my seat.

Actually I was all over my seat because I thought that my knees were going to seize up.

This piece of crap ran for over 2 hours!!

Adrian Brody (I still say he looks like Emo Phillips) plays a down on his luck, hard drinking detective whose wife has left him. He needs a job and since his ex partner “owes” him a tip, he points him to George’s mother who doesn’t believe that her son committed suicide.

That character has been done more times than Pamela Anderson on a teenager’s laptop computer.

I’m just surprised he wasn’t teamed up with an African American hip hop star.

The more that Adrian explores the death the more he realizes that things don’t add up.

Or do they?

George shoots himself in the head, and yet there are no finger prints on the gun. There are two bullet holes in the floor and George was laying on the spent bullet casing. Then there’s the little fact that the people who were staying at his house waited 45 minutes before calling the police, and what about those bruises on his arm?

Fortunately they just ignore many of those facts as they replay the final night again and again with different endings.

It’s like “Groundhog Day” with a German Luger and 3 hookers.

The really annoying part of the film are the pointless subplots.

While Adrian is investigating George’s death, he’s also being paid to watch a mentally disturbed man’s wife that the client suspects is having an affair. The more that Adrian neglects this case, the more agitated the client becomes.

If you’re surprised where that plot line goes, then you’ll be even more amazed when a fiery ball of gas rises over the horizon tomorrow morning.

“Wow honey, it’s so much brighter out now than it was at midnight.”

Normally I’d applaud any movie in which I get to watch Ben Affleck get shot in the head 3 times, but the downside is that he insists on getting naked each time before fireworks.

If I had to look at his hairy nipples one more time I would’ve ripped the gun out of his hand and eaten the bullet myself!

So after 2 hours you’d at least think that they’d at least tell us what really happened eh?

HA!!

This movie is a “who done it” about a “who cares” and it ends with a “beats me”.

I’ve now learned more useless trivia about a has-been television actor from a half century ago than I ever cared to know.

All I can say is that George Reeves’ name better come up as a $500,000 question on “Who wants to be a Millionaire?”

Posted by rtheygood at 16:06:30 | Permalink | No Comments »