Reviewing movies like this is really like reviewing a recipe for Rice Crispy Squares.

Are there “that” many surprises left?

In the oft chance that you’re some poor Austrian girl who was locked up in a garage for the last decade I’ll give you the rundown on how these films work.

First you have your troubled inner city youth that society has given up on. The level of violence in the story depends on when the film was made and what the colour of your skin is.

For instance, if the movie was made in the 60’s and it stars someone named “LuLu” then the students might put their feet on their desks and chew gum in class.

*gasp*… the HORROR!!

However, if the movie was made in 2006 and the students are from a visible minority, then you should look for people carrying a Springfield Micro-Compact with an ambidextrous safety, three-dot tritium sights and extended beavertail grip safety that carries Federal American Eagle 230-grain FMJ ammo.

If the movie was made with white students then they’ll be learning forbidden poetry from some bearded guy in a cape.

Basically there’s always a teacher/coach/guidance counselor/dance instructor who thinks that he/she can inspire the kids to rise above their meager socio-economic surroundings and take on the rich school in chess/ballroom-dancing/football/or a spelling bee.

Personally, I’m waiting for the big “sandcastle” movie to happen.

The rich kids from Malibu have won the trophy for the last 12 years, but a scrappy band of Latinos from Los Angeles plan to take them on.

Carlos -”But we ain’t got no sand mang. How we gonna beat them?”

Coach - “We’ve got broken glass don’t we Carlos?

Carlos - “Ya mang, we got lots of dat.”

Coach - “You know what else we got?”

Carlos - “A dead body in the alley?”

Coach - “We’ve got heart Carlos. Now let’s get rid of that body and build us a winning castle!!”

Insert swelling music.

So does the Gridiron Gang work as a movie?

When was the last time you had a truly bad rice crispy square?

I’m going to run a movie festival with nothing but titles like “The Principal”, “To Sir With Love”, “Coach Carter”, and “Stand and Deliver” and I’m bringing a blender.

I’m going to toss all of the movies inside and puree the bastards for about 30 seconds and then I’m going to splice them back together randomly.

Maybe the Hispanic girl who’s pregnant from the gang banger will run across the soccer field, past the Karate championship, just in time to see the Irish kid with the abusive father spell the word “URSPRACHE”.

The Gridiron Gang is totally predictable, and it’s been done 10 million times already.

In other words, it’s chewy, has a hint of vanilla extract and tastes very familiar.