Sarcastic Movie Reviews

Watching “Running with Scissors” is like being in a room with people so hip that they’re desperately trying to get the joke 3 seconds before everyone else so that they can show you how smart they are.

The problem is that most of the movie isn’t funny so what happens is you get something like this:

We see a scene of a dirty kitchen so a single woman three rows up laughs while everyone else sits in stony silence.

There’s a scene in which a 35 year old man uncomfortably thanks the teenage boy he just violated sexually and one guy 4 seats over bursts out laughing by himself.

A mentally disturbed, prescription drug taking mother puts all of her dishes in the backyard and a lone guffaw from the upper left corner wafts over audience.

Say what?

This movie was more depressing than looking at stack of human skulls in Cambodia.

This movie is about a boy who is abandoned by his alcoholic father and mentally ill mother when he’s a teenager, and the family that adopts him consists of a woman who eats dog food, a religious zealot who tortures cats, a dangerously inept psychologist who gives away free samples of prescription drugs, not to mention the child molesting 35 year old schizophrenic and the slutty daughter.

Move over Robin Williams. Hilarity ensues.

I promise you, that if a man with Down’s Syndrome was making a butter sandwich last night at least one person would have laughed.

I’ve never seen a movie in which people were so straining so hard to find something funny.

You know that television commercial in which the guy is on the airplane, and his headphones aren’t working so he laughs in all of the wrong places?

10 bucks says he was watching “Running with Scissors.”

“The Departed” is a story about a gang of Boston criminals who have a mole in the police force, and not to be outdone, the cops have placed a mole in the gang.

Basically the movie plays out like this:

“I know that you know”
“And I know that you know that I know”
“I know that you know that I know that you know”
“Bang”

It’s not like Scorsese is newcomer to the violent gangster flick so there shouldn’t be too many surprises here, but I was hoping for something a bit better.

For one thing, what the hell is up with the constant casting of Leonardo DiCaprio as a tough gangster? Kate Moss could kick his ass.

When Ed Norton hits the steroids you believe he’s a Nazi skinhead, but Leonardo looks like the kid from “Home Alone” had a Bowflex in the basement.

Anyway, let’s not get hung up on bad casting, because there’s a whole world of bad writing to jump all over.

The movie is totally believable if Jack Nicholson was the Mafia Don of special needs class who just hijacked a short bus on the way to Retarded Town.

Firstly, every time Jack is about to sell some plutonium to a one eyed Russian monster he gets a text message from Matt Damon (his mole in the police force), meanwhile the cops are getting secret text messages from Leo at the same time.

Both sides know that there is a mole in their ranks but no one ever sees these two guys with their hands jammed down their pants clicking away furiously at the most inopportune moment.

On top of it all, the messages are never misspelled, sent to the wrong person and their batteries never die.

Sitting alone in the back seat of a car driving down a darkened alleyway at midnight?

Hell, why don’t I just flip open my phone and text message the boss? No one will notice the suspicious blue glow or the crunching sounds of plastic buttons back here.

The part that really gets me is how the boss will say things like “Everyone stay in the warehouse near the wood chipper until I check out your personal information with my snitch” and yet Leo can make an excuse to have a boil lanced and no one blinks. Leo is always turning up at the same location when Jack’s boys are about to corner the snitch and yet no one puts two and two together.

Helen Keller could have figured this mystery out.

Honestly, how difficult is it to confiscate everyone’s freaking Blackberry before you pick up the big drug shipment? It’s like watching a World War 2 spy movie and no one ever thinks to talk to the guy with German accent who has the pet carrier pigeons.

The acting is good, but the ending is like a Quentin Tarantino movie without the nattily dressed Ninjas.

Good but not great.