Sarcastic Movie Reviews

Did you know that there were 23 people at the last supper? Ok, there were 14 but they had 9 courses for dinner and 9 + 14 is 23!!

Do you know how many days there are in March? If you said 23 you’d be wrong and the word “wrong” begins with “w” which is the 23rd letter in the alphabet.

Now personally, the only thing more entertaining to me than a movie about math, is a movie about crazy math.

Don’t quote me on this, but a reputable newspaper movie columnist that I know was telling me a few weeks ago that Jim Carrey really does have some sort of strange obsession with the number 23.

The first thing that comes to my mind is “You should really make a movie about that!!”

Follow along with the story and feel my pain:

Jim plays a dog catcher who ends up being late for a meeting with his wife one day because he gets bitten by a mysterious canine in a Chinese restaurant.

His wife, killing time decides to wait for him by leafing through a crappy self published book written by (wait for it) Topsy Krevits. If you say it out loud 4 times you’ll realize that what it sounds like is “Top Secrets”…

Ya, it’s like the freaking DaVinci code for retards I know.

Jim’s wife tears through this book in like 20 minutes and totally loves it. She gives Jim the book and he spends the next 2 weeks reading it.

Once again that’s…. Jim’s wife….20 Minutes…..Jim…. 2 Weeks.

Keep in mind here that Jim is fascinated by the story. It’s not like he’s being asked to fill out a questionnaire on relationships in the back of Cosmo.

Jim keeps descending deeper and deeper into Crazytown, convinced that the story is really about his life and the number 23.

People in the book commit suicide because of the number or they kill their loved ones because of the number so naturally Jim starts having nightmares about killing his wife.

Why? Well, geeze moron, it’s between the number 22 and 24.

Even if you took my birth date and divided it with the number of hairs in my left armpit and came up with 23 I’m not seeing where that would convince me to stab someone with a set of knitting needles, but I digress.

The thing that’s really so over the top ridiculous about this movie is how conveniently all the pieces fall into place.

If you fell head first onto badger that was carrying a letter from the Pope addressed to the wind that was made from the pulp of a tree that grew in the backyard of James Earl Jones who just happened to be looking for your sister Louise, it couldn’t wrap up in a more unbelievable way.

I’m all for suspending my disbelief but holy crap. There are coincidences and then there are coincidences.

Well, at least we know there won’t be a sequel.

24? That’s just so… Kiefer Sutherland.

Selling your soul to the devil is a story as old as Beowulf and they are equally entertaining as movie adaptations.

I think the closest thing I’ve ever seen to a good version of this story was when the Muppets did “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” and Gonzo set Beaker on fire.

Does Nicholas Cage actually READ these things before he signs on? I wish I could make millions for doing a half-assed job. I’d own California by now.

Let’s pretend that you’ve just woken up from your coma and have never heard of this fable.

Basically, “Johnny Blaze” (Mr. Cage) is a motorcycle daredevil who learns that his dad is dying of cancer. He sells his soul to cure his father’s illness and is double crossed.

The devil is a lazy bastard who can’t be bothered walking the earth collecting souls for himself, and thus he gives Johnny an “out”.

If Johnny becomes a “Ghost Rider” then he can gain his soul back by completing a few tasks.

So let me get this straight…you sell your soul, do the devil’s bidding and afterwards you think that you will still get into heaven?

What, do you think God is a bitch?

I’m thinking that selling your soul is right up there with bludgeoning someone to death with a crucifix on the top 10 list of ways to piss of the Lord.

Back to the story.

Satan signed a contract with a bunch of evil people and he needs someone to collect on the debt. Apparently this is a bad thing because whoever gets hold of these souls will rule the earth.

Satan wants this contract, Satan’s son wants this contract, sheesh, I was half expecting Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband to come looking for it. Was this movie set in Florida or something?

Anyway, the scroll was hidden by a previous Ghost Rider and no one seems to know for sure where this thing is.

What are the odds that a flaming skeleton riding the flaming skeleton of a horse could manage hide a paper scroll from the devil anyway?

That’s like trying to hide a fart in the bathtub.

Dude, you glow in the dark.

So as hard as it is to swallow all of this crap, the weird thing is that for a full third of the movie Nicholas Cage isn’t even the Ghost Rider.

That’s right, for 40 minutes or so we have to slog through a bad love story and secondary characters who have 15 lines of dialogue before they’re either killed off or forgotten.

Don’t even get me started on the cops who decide that they’re going to track down the Ghost Rider after he melts the bars in the prison and kills 30 prisoners with his bare hands. The only thing I’d be doing to this guy would be setting him up on a blind date with Karla Homolka.

I can see the cops in the lunchroom now:

“No dammit. The city pays me 50 thousand dollars a year and I’m not going to take advantage of the good taxpayer’s money by not attempting to apprehend this flaming apparition whose motorcycle can climb up the side of a building and melt asphalt.”

Riiiiiiiight.

The acting in the movie is terrible and the dialogue is worse. If they had played this up like “Army of Darkness” it could’ve had some great camp value.

I think it’s going to be a dogfight between this and “Norbit” for a Razzie next year.

Espionage, international intrigue, and moles in the CIA. Wow, it’s all very exciting stuff.

“Allllllllright!!” I say, “Bring on the monkeys and peanut butter” but once again the closest thing we get to nudity is a grainy VHS tape that Robert made of having sex with his middle aged wife.

I want to see THAT as much as I want to see Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen Degeneres in a 3 way with Donald Trump!

Bring on the “Bourne Ultimatum”!!