Espionage, international intrigue, and moles in the CIA. Wow, it’s all very exciting stuff.

Or is it?

The thing about spying is that we think it’s all very “Cloak and Dagger” but in truth it’s more like “Bathrobe and Butter Knife”.

Spies only play high stakes poker with Russian henchmen in the James Bond movies. In real life spies are probably disgruntled mid level clerks with a key to the photocopier room and the only explosions they have to deal with is when they forget to poke a hole in a microwaved hotdog.

The latest Hollywood offering in the spy genre is a film called “Breach”.

Eric O’Neill (Ryan Phillippe) is promoted to a job inside FBI headquarters working for respected agent Robert Hanssen (Chris Cooper) and he needs to find proof that Hanssen has been selling American secrets to the Soviet Union for years.

If this movie starred Harrison Ford, Eric O’Neill would be hanging onto a window sill by his finger tips on the ledge of a windy skyscraper. Unfortunately the most exciting thing Ryan Phillippe does is slip his boss’ Palm Pilot back into the correct pocket of his briefcase after he steps out of the office for a few minutes.

There’s nothing like a glorified calculator full of incriminating evidence to get the pulse racing eh?

The worst consequence to Eric screwing up is that Robert gets away. In real life this would be a disaster, but in a movie we call this “there’s no feeling in my left leg because my ass is falling asleep in this chair.”

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

On top of it all, they spend a lot of time suggesting that Robert is a sexual deviant.

“Allllllllright!!” I say, “Bring on the monkeys and peanut butter” but once again the closest thing we get to nudity is a grainy VHS tape that Robert made of having sex with his middle aged wife.

I want to see THAT as much as I want to see Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen Degeneres in a 3 way with Donald Trump!

What does this have to do with the story? Maybe it was true to life, but in terms of adding anything to the plot it ranks right up there with him rearranging a collection of Hummel figurines.

At least the guys in Enron bought big houses and threw opulent parties.

Realistic spy stories with no sex and no violence belong on the History Channel where at least I have the option of getting up every 15 minutes to make a sandwich.

Bring on the “Bourne Ultimatum”!!