I once met a girl who could stuff 13 M&M’s into her nose. Sure it was impressive, but after she crammed that last piece of candy into her blow hole the trick was over. I never did figure out what happened to the candy afterwards.

On the topic of useless talents, you’d think that being able to see into the future would be pretty cool eh? The problem is that Nicholas Cage can only see 2 minutes into the future, and it can only be HIS future.

What exactly is this good for besides poker, and lottery scratch cards?

Ok then, but what if someone had smuggled a nuclear bomb into Vegas smart guy?

What part of “Nick can only see 2 minutes into the future” did you miss?

You can’t even get a Flash website to load in two minutes, let alone triangulate the location of a mushroom cloud so that he can get into the sewer/abandoned warehouse/casino under construction and yank out the nuclear core before the digital timer reaches 0.

If I leave a nuke somewhere, it’s going to detonate at 4:32 just so I can be a prick.

“Whew, we’ve still got 5 minutes to disarm this thing!!”

Say goodbye Mr. Segal.

Nick can also split himself into 400 different Nicks that can run in different directions, effectively freezing time while he decides where he should go.

Say what?

Hang on a minute… I’m not sure that that works out mathematically.

I guess he could be 120 Nicks as long as each one was a second slower than the previous one right? But if that was true then techincally Nick’s #100 to #120 would only have enough time to run around the corner wouldn’t they?

Dammit, where’s my slide rule?

Well, as long as we’re treating logic like a Baywatch actress at a Motley Crue pool party lets throw a few more questions at you.

I can accept that Nick can see 2 minutes into the future, but explain to me how that turns him into Jackie Chan in a Matrix sequel? Knowing when to duck and disarming 5 highly trained Green Berets with nothing but a damp paper towel is a bit of a stretch.

Plus, I’m not a security expert, but if I knew a guy could see 2 minutes into the future and I wanted to keep him prisoner, I’d just build a prison with a hallway that would take 3 minutes to run down.

Hell, put an elevator beside his cell. If it’s like my office building he could make a bundt cake in the time the thing comes down to the ground floor.

Here’s a better idea. Lock the door that leads to the parking lot!!

Time travel doesn’t add up to a hill of beans if you don’t have the key when you get there.

After watching this movie for an hour or so I almost felt like I was Nicholas Cage because I also knew what was going to happen in the next two minutes.

Unfortunately for me, my special power is limited to seeing 50 films into the past, not 2 minutes into the future.

How many times have you seen a machine gun toting bad guy fall off a platform and snare his leg on some lose chains on the way down?

Another scene that drives me crazy is the one where the protagonist is inching their way along some dark wall with their gun/sword/blunt object drawn, looking for the bad guy.

The scene is always badly lit by torchlight or it has a flickering fluorescent bulb sputtering overhead and our hero never hears someone sneaking up on him from the other direction.

The guy could be wearing Kiss boots in a factory filled with bubble wrap and it still wouldn’t matter.

The blue screen effects looked like outtakes from the opening montage of Gilligan’s island and the acting was so wooden that the only jokes I can think of right now involve the word “beaver”.

Here’s an indicator of how bad this movie is. At a crucial moment near the climax of the film, the whole theatre burst out laughing.

This would be great if the movie was “A Fish Called Wanda”, but this is a thriller!!

I’m actually surprised that this piece of crap didn’t have a hip hop star in it.

I’d give it a 2 out of 5.