Sarcastic Movie Reviews

Here’s a movie about women and pies. Insert your own damn joke.

Wow, I didn’t think that you could get any farther up the chick flick scale than “The English Patient” and yet someone made a movie about an abused woman who bakes pies.

Can you imagine pitching this film to a group of producers?

“Is there any sex?”

“Lot’s of it, but the main character is pregnant and so she has an affair with her married gynecologist.”

“Oh, uh… but the sex… it stops after she starts getting fat right?”

“No, no… if fact the relationship becomes MORE torrid, the larger she becomes!”

“Oh, well there’s a car chase right?”

“Well, not really. Earl, (the abusive husband) slaps his wife while driving her home once.”

“Ok, so there’s some really great action scenes right? The doctor punches out Earl?”

“Well, no… Earl’s abuse is more mental. In fact he’s not really that violent. He’s just more of a needy asshole. The doctor is a bit of a weirdo. He’s not macho at all.”

I could NOT write this movie.

In fact, I couldn’t get my male friends drunk enough to SEE this movie.

I could cover strippers in chicken wings and pitchers of beer and put a greased pole at the entrance of the theatre in the exercise yard of a maximum security prison in Siberia and no self respecting man would walk through the front door to watch this film.

…and that’s a shame, because it’s actually not a bad film.

It’s not a great film, but if you forgot your wife’s birthday, then taking her to see this will buy you a get out of jail free card.

3 out of 5.

Watching “28 Weeks Later” is like meeting a gorgeous woman in a bar, but finding out that she loves country music songs about racism and animal abuse.

“28 Weeks Later” is the sequel to the brilliant movie “28 Days Later” and it starts off strong.

Robert Carlyle plays a man wracked with guilt after leaving his wife to die in a zombie infested farmhouse. 6 months later Robert decides that the best thing to do is to return to England with his 2 surviving children because moving back to a plague infested island is always good therapy for trauma eh?

Come on back to Chernobyl and get a free glow in the dark poster of your family!

No thanks.

Fortunately it turns out that Robert’s wife didn’t quite die. She was bitten a few times, but luckily for her, she developed a resistance to the disease.

Unfortunately for us, she’s now a carrier of the disease.

Sneeze in the wrong direction, or leave some pee on a toilet seat and the whole thing starts over again.

I can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong, can you?

Now, up until this point I was enjoying the movie. It sort of made sense, but the banjo music wasn’t far off.

Once the plague starts to spread, the American soldiers who are controlling the city decide that the safest thing to do is to gather everyone up who isn’t infected and lock them in a parking garage in the dark.

God forbid that you actually make the zombies run all over the city looking for victims eh? Why not just speed things up and get everyone drunk at the same time?

Things spiral out of control and the soldiers decide that the easiest thing to do is just kill everyone because it’s so hard to distinguish a growling guy with blood gushing out of his mouth from a normal person.

If this was a soccer game I could understand, but come on!!

Snipers start picking off everyone which is a bit odd because of the simple distinguishing characteristics that most zombies have that make them stand out from normal panicking people

For instance:

Zombies usually bleed profusely and for the most part they’re put off by things like doorknobs.

If a guy crashes through window face first and he has blood spurting out of his mouth, he’s probably a Zombie.

The guy who is holding a baseball bat and using the door is probably NOT a zombie.

Let’s try another scenario.

You shoot at a guy and he ducks into the alley.

See? That’s NOT a zombie characteristic.

Zombies are notorious for NOT ducking.

Don’t shoot the guy smacking the bleeding guy in the head with a baseball bat, unless it’s a liquor store in Harlem.

Let’s try another.

A guy jump starts an abandoned car with a standard transmission.

Is he a zombie?

Sure, if you’re holding a flame thrower your initial reaction might be to roast him, but slow down for a second and remember that zombies aren’t very good with mechanical things.

How difficult is this?!!

However, there are a few questions that I can’t seem to find the answer for.

Why is it that a zombie can kick open a fire exit that has been chained shut but he can’t smash a car window?

When did England start making those poison gas proof automobiles? I can smell a dead skunk rotting in the forest when I drive home, but cars in England apparently come with rubber gaskets fashioned by NASA.

When did England start manufacturing gas proof turtle neck sweaters? Apparently all it takes to avoid being poisoned is to run around looking like Bazooka Joe.

There are so many freaking holes in the plot to this movie that it defies description. A group of heavily armed soldiers can firebomb a city but they don’t seem to notice a throng of charging zombies in an open field.

You can lose a set of car keys in a house that measures 1200 square feet, but no matter how far your drive there will be a guy bleeding from the ears waiting for you to at the grocery store.

I’m telling you, the ZPS (Zombie Positioning System) is a bitch.

2 out of 5

The problem naming a movie “Knocked Up” is that it’s inherently disrespectful to the womanly state of being “with child”.

I would like to take a few moments to apologize to the women everywhere and offer some alternate titles for the movie:

How about:

“Leaving Some Pork for the Stork”
“Something Grew from my Goo”
 “My Spitter Left a Litter of Critters”

Or my favorite:

“You Look Fat in those Pants”

Basically if you’ve seen the “40 Year Old Virgin” you’ve seen this movie.

Think of this as the day AFTER the 40 Year Old Virgin.

A group of slacker buddies with no real jobs, who smoke copious amounts of pot spend their days discussing movies and pulling frat boy pranks on one another until one night, one of them gets lucky, doesn’t wear a condom and gets a really nice girl pregnant.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy watching stoned people giggle, and really, who can get enough of 20 something men discussing shaving techniques of their genitals?

But this movie runs 129 minutes long!

Two hours and 10 minutes of flipping back and forth between the successful, responsible girl and the stoner, slacker dude gets a bit tired even if they include a road trip to Vegas.

It’s like “Swingers”, meets “Animal House”, meets “When Harry Met Sally” meets “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”, except that you could probably watch all 4 of those movies and still come out of the theatre 10 minutes before the audience of “Knocked Up” leaves.

It’s a very sweet movie and terrifically funny, but this trend in Hollywood to keep us in the theatre for half a day makes me think that Tom Cruise is going through my sock drawer while I’m out of the house.

3.5 out of 5

You know, just last week as I was having another blood clot removed from my leg, I mentioned to the surgeon that movies today were just not long enough.

“I sure hope that the new Spiderman film runs longer than an Amish barn raising.” I said.

In case you missed the first two movies, the opening credits give you a scene by scene breakdown of the first two plots because it’s crucial to know that Spiderman killed a multi armed guy wearing welder’s goggles last year or you’ll be hopelessly lost while watching this.

Like all summer blockbuster movies, Spiderman has about 15 plot lines weaving through the story, 3 arch villains to defeat, and 27 office buildings to destroy.

Amazingly, no one ever gets killed by a wayward brick plummeting to the sidewalk, but then again, no one ever sees Peter Parker relaxing in a huge Spider Web hammock with his girlfriend either.

Ok, I’m just going with it. Screw logic.

Unlike the previous films, Spiderman now has to face three villains instead of one.

Let’s break it down:

First there’s the Green Goblin (even though it’s technically the Green Goblin’s son).

Not much has changed here. Spiderman is once again falling from the sky while some guy flies around him tossing winged balls at his head.

Does this sound like Harry Potter to you?

Next up is The Sandman. As you probably guessed from his name, he’s made out of sand. How does a guy made out of sand control the wind? Hey waitaminute… is he crying? I thought that he was made out of sand!

All together now… “Ok, I’m just going with it. Screw logic”

Lastly there’s the character named “Venom” played by Topher Grace.

Venom has the strength and web spinning abilities of Tobey Maguire but the teeth of Kirsten Dunst.

Now normally I’d say that watching a throw down between Topher Grace and Tobey Maguire would be as exciting as watching a tickle fight between Richard Simmons and Andy Dick, but with a billion dollar special effects budget it almost looks manly.

In between the carnage the movie also attempts to show Spiderman’s inner struggles with revenge and jealousy, but don’t expect this to be like “Batman” in the darkness department.

Maybe it’s because his outfit looks like a Pepsi can with a bug on it.

As usual Stan Lee makes another lame cameo. I can’t stand to see any more freaking cameos of Stan Lee in movies by hip comic book reading directors. It’s getting to the point where I can’t download a porno without Stan Lee fluffing someone in the background.

If he’s not getting crushed by falling masonry from a skyscraper then get him the hell off the screen. I’d rather look at  Kirsten Dunst’s snaggle toothed grin then see Stan Lee bumbling lines like it was an outtake from “On Golden Pond”.

If he’s such a freaking genius then explain to me how a guy made out of SAND is crying?!!

Ok, ok… I’m letting it go.

All in all, it’s your typical Summer Hollywood Blockbuster.

A good time, but 30 minutes longer than necessary.

3 out of 5.