Sarcastic Movie Reviews

Sometimes in life you just have to go with it.

I give it 5 out of 5.

The big news about Evan Almighty is that it’s he most expensive comedy ever filmed.

That’s about as comforting to hear as finding out that the spear gun from “WaterWorld” is for sale on Ebay.

Steve Carrel plays the usual neglectful father who breaks every promise he makes to spend time with his kids because he always has to work. When he’s not ignoring his kids, he’s ignoring his wife and when he’s not ignoring her he hates dogs.

Wow, I can’t imagine where THIS movie is going.

The charming thing about movies where God comes to earth and asks some loser to deliver his message is that you know that no one else can see him.

When George Burns shuffled into a grocery store in the movie “Oh God!” it was funny because God looked like a midget with a cigar and he was asking a bag boy to tell the world that God existed.

In short it was an impossible task given to a guy that no one cared about.

See where the comedy comes in?

Heck even a whispering voice in a cornfield, works because only the hero can hear the voice.

This is what I call the “People think I’m crazy, but I know the truth” movie.

It also works as a drama (see “Conspiracy Theory.”)

When you use this formula it’s very important to play up the “crazy” aspect, otherwise it kind of loses the impact.

For instance:

Evan is a rich and famous Congressman who has the ear of the people. When God asks him to build him an Ark, he not only delivers the wood to his house, but he brings in trained monkeys and giraffes to help with the heavy lifting.

Ya…. Uh… do you see the problem here?

Guy says God has spoken to him, and his hair has turned white, grown 18 inches (with matching beard) over the course of a few days and he has a pair of polar bears wandering around his front yard sharing a snack with two rhinos.

Personally, I’m strapping on my tool belt if this shit goes down in my neighbourhood.

Wouldn’t this movie have been a lot more fun if Evan had to build an Ark out of wooden park benches and telephone poles?

When God speaks to a guy in a movie I expect there be a slight challenge in the task that our Lord puts before him.

I’m not expecting unionized baboons.

So without wasting much time on the monumental task of gathering labour or material the movie chugs along with usual assortment of scenes depicting defecating wildlife, groin injuries and a montage of workplace related accidents involving lumber falling on Evan’s toes.

As long as we’re sticking with the religious theme, I’m going to count my blessings in one area. This movie COULD have saddled us with talking animals but there wasn’t a single street smart raccoon with an African American accent to be seen anywhere.

John Goodman plays a one dimensional evil Congressman who wants to clear cut national parks so that he can make a profit and somehow he’s built the Hoover dam just outside of Washington DC.

Who cares if there isn’t really a hydro electric dam anywhere near the Whitehouse? As long as you’re going to write a half assed movie you might as well go for broke. Next time have a desert sandstorm in New Jersey. Hell have a street fight in the Bronx with mountains in the background (obscure Jackie Chan reference #15).

Ok, so my buddy argues that this is a film that his kids will enjoy and my response is “What film has your 8 year old ever hated?”

Ask your kids if they’d like to see a movie about a farting duck and see how long it takes them to get their shoes on.

Does this have a good message? Well, it says that greed is bad and sharing and saving the environment is good.

It’s like an episode of the Smurfs.

Does it have a plot?

Well, the farting duck has more character development, but in a “it took me 2 weeks to write this screenplay” kind of way I guess it does.

Is it any good?

“Quack”

2 out of 5

Would you buy a cookbook from an anorexic?

Explain to me then how John Cusack’s character in the movie “1408” is a successful horror writer who writes books about haunted hotel rooms when he doesn’t believe in ghosts? If he never finds any ghosts then who the hell would buy his guide books?

Here’s a great idea for the next book. “Places OJ looked for the REAL killer!!”

At any rate, one day he goes to a book signing and a fan asks him about the first book he ever wrote. Apparently, before he was a jaded travel writer he wrote a really good book about an abusive father. Whenever someone asks about his childhood he quickly changes the subject.

What does this have to do with the story you might ask?

I’ll let you know when I find out (and it’s been 18 hours since the movie ended).

Well, let’s not get bogged down with useless sub plots and meaningless characters, because we have so many clichés to deal with.

One day John gets a mysterious postcard inviting him to stay at the “Dolphin Hotel” in New York. This city has bad memories for John because he walked out on his wife after his daughter died of an incurable disease. Because of this, John doesn’t believe in God.

Usually when a character stops believing in God in a horror film, you find out that they used to be a priest, or a minister, or a monk, or sang in the choir, or at least had a Jesus fish on their car.

John’s lack of faith has as much to do with this film as steroids do at a chess match.

The hotel manager does not want to rent room 1408 (BTW, 8+4+1+0=13… that’s as clever as the movie gets) because over the years over 50 people have died in this room. In fact, when they clean the room the manager insists that a team of 3 never spends more than 1 minute inside. Once, a chambermaid got locked in the bathroom and she gouged her own eyes out.

Then in band camp… oh sorry… I got sidetracked.

John books the room and settles in for the night, even though the manager has warned him that no one has ever stayed in this room for more than an hour.

I know of a motel in Vanier that boasts the same thing.

Let’s the creepshow begin!!

Well, if you’re going to be trapped in a haunted hotel room then lets check off the must haves for cliché moments shall we?

Bleeding walls?

Check.

Climbing along the ledge outside of your window?

Check.

Ringing phone from hell?

Check.

Electrical appliance that turns on when unplugged?

Check.

Ghostly little girl who died in the room before you?

Check (well, sort of).

Seduction of sexy woman who turns into rotting corpse while in your bed?

NO!!

Wow, they missed one.

Even in the worst horror movies I’ve seen there’s some lame explanation for why the house/car/severed hand/man eating baby exists, but don’t look for an answer here. If the room is evil because Satan was overcharged on the mini bar, or because Paris Hilton lost a lens on her night vision goggles they never tell us. We don’t know why this room is cursed, or more importantly, why the hotel manager changes the sheets even though he won’t rent the room out.

This means that there’s nothing to discover in the room, and not much else to do except dodge falling chandeliers and wait for things to sneak up on you when the camera pulls in for a close up.

I can’t understand how Stephen King convinces anyone to make one of these stories into a movie.

I can see the next Hollywood meeting now:

“Ok, there’s a boat and it’s evil. It eats children and uses their heads for an anchor. If you try to catch a fish while in it, the water will turn into blood and a hand will reach out of the water and try to grab you. Oh and it will get foggy. Did I mention the boat is evil? It will have the name Saint Ana, but the letters will wash off to reveal the name is REALLY Satan. Clever huh? Where’s my truckload of cash?”

2 out of 5.