Cloverfield… a review
Look Ma, they done remade “Godzilla” but this time they hired Dick Clark to be the camera man.
Attention Hollywood … Gritty realism (ie shaky camera syndrome) adds as much enjoyment to a movie as the night vision effect does to a home made porno.
I shouldn’t have to take Gravol to prevent me from puking into my popcorn.
There’s a very simple way to get around any technical problem in a movie. It’s called “dialogue”
For example:
“Hey Jim, how’s that film course going that you’re taking at NYU?”
“Great Joe, they even let me take home this incredibly expensive steady cam to film my homework.”
Taddaaaa!!!
“The Blair Witch Project” was positvely paralytic in comparison to “Cloverfield”.
What’s next, you just strap your camera to an epileptic in a disco?
Add in the most annoying dialogue in recent memory, and we’re off to a bad start.
In fact I’m going to go out on a limb and bet that most of it was made up on the spot by the actors to give the movie a touch of realism.
The most quoteable line I can remember was “arghhhhhhhhhhhhh…. glurk.”
And character development?!!
Here’s how in depth the back story on each character gets:
Character 1 is in love with a girl trapped in a building behind the monster.
Character 2 was in love with character 1’s brother (but he dies right away so let’s call him character 1.5).
Character 3 has a crush on character 4.
Character 4 is a bitch.
You were expecting an arc? The only arc you’re going to see here might be the flight path of someone’s head as it leaves their body.
I will however, give rave reviews for the special effects. The destruction of New York never looked so real in a movie, although I’m not sure how the “911 cloud of dust” scene will go over well in Manhattan theatres.
There is something called TOO MUCH realism guys.
Ok, so the dialogue and camerawork are annoying but the special effects rock. How’s the story?
Errr, it’s a giant monster movie. What did you expect? Logic?
What would you do if a giant Gorilla/Lizard/Slimy Beast started crushing buildings in your neighborhood and was tossing cultural landmarks down your street like a Nerf Football?
If you said “Run in the opposite direction” then you can’t be in my movie.
Go away, you annoy me.
There’s always some idiot with a digital camera trying to get a photo, or some government scientist trying to harvest the monster’s semen that forces the “heroes” (idiots) into running TOWARD the avenue crushing behemoth.
Otherwise there’s no movie right?
Well, I dunno about that. I think the people in “Tremors” were trying to get out of town weren’t they?
See, now I can relate to THOSE characters.
In ”Cloverfield” the hero is a guy in love with a girl who’s trapped in a building recently trashed by the monster.
Ok, so maybe I’ll go along and say “Love conquers fear” and this guy has a strong motive to go in and try and save our sexy femme fatale, but why are his friends tagging along?
Listen, I’m a good friend. I’ll help you move into your new apartment. I’ll help you study for an exam. I’ll even sneak your drunken sixteen year old ass into your house at 4am while your parents are asleep.
I draw the line at battling giant spider mites with a lead pipe in the subway.
You saw her naked, not me.
I’m not going to be getting any rescue nookie from her. What’s in it for me (other than a grisly death)?
But, pretend that you’re the BEST friend ever. No matter what happens you’re willing to help your buddy climb the tower and rescue the damsel come hell or high water.
Then, you see the army firing stinger missiles at the creature and all that’s happening is that it’s getting more and more pissed off.
“I’m still with you buddy!!”
“Ok, they’re going to carpet bomb the city at 6pm.”
“Ok, I’m outta here… I’ll write a poem about how brave you were right before they barbequed your ass.”
The monster in New York movie has been done before (at least twice in recent memory), and if you loved “Godzilla”, “King Kong” or even “War of the Worlds” then maybe this movie is for you.
Me? I still like the monster in the Nevada desert movie. It’s hard to get seasick in the desert.
I’m giving “Cloverfield” 3 tablets of Advil out of 5.
I’m going to lie down and put a damp facecloth on my forehead now. Maybe my headache will disappear by Monday.
