Sarcastic Movie Reviews

That was the golden age of “Bully” movies that gave us the classics “My Bodyguard”, “Revenge of the Nerds” and “The Karate Kid”.
The world would be a better place if more movies starred Chris Makepeace and Martin Mull.

Sigh…

There was always hope that after I got my ass beat down outside of the “ Flock of Seagulls” concert that I could befriend the toughest guy in school, or at least an aging Oriental man who would teach me how to “wax off” that bastard.

Then something happened, and instead of trying to get laid while wearing a Darth Vader costume, kids wentl ‘Charles Bronson’ and started showing up at school with a shotgun.

Wow, suddenly being bullied wasn’t funny anymore, and Pat Morita found himself unemployable.

Suddenly it’s 2008, and the bully movie is back baby!!

“Drillbit Taylor” has the prophetical tagline “You get what you pay for”, and considering that I got into the preview for free I’d have to say it was pretty much bang on.

Chris Makepeace must be rolling over in his grave.

He is dead isn’t he?

Oh wait, that was the Chinese guy from “Happy Days.”

Wait a minute.

What happened to Martin Mull?

Is there some sort of bully movie curse? Let’s go ask Ralph Macchio.

Nooooooooooooo…

Here’s the shocking part. Seth Rogan wrote this steaming pile of dung.
You know Seth. He’s the fat guy who starred in “Knocked Up”, and “The 40 Year old Virgin.”

Heck he even co-wrote “Superbad” (which to me would have been a better title for “Drillbit Taylor”).

So what happened?

Studio executives happened.

Have a hit? Greenlight shit.

More commonly known as the “M. Night Shyamalan Syndrome”, this phenomenon of greenlighting vile turdage occurs when someone does something that generates obscene amounts of money for someone in Hollywood. Immediately following this cash influx, the writer/director/star is asked if they have anything else on their computer that can be quickly put into production.

Scripts like “Biodome”, “Howard the Duck”, “Lady in the Water”, and “Evan Almighty”, all suffer from MNSS.

Untreated, and unreleased scripts can develop “Sylvester Stallone Career Syndrome” and take years to show symptoms.

These movies are usually followed by a number (“Rambo 4”, “Indiana Jones 4”), and occur after a star swears that they will never revisit a character until they realize that “Hollywood Squares” has gone off the air and they can’t pay for their last botox treatment.

The World Hollywood Health Organization is keeping their eye on a new mutation called “Bourne Ulta-Suprem-Iden” which seems to have a much quicker incubation period of 6 months between swearing off a character and then changing your mind.

Anyway, back to “Drillbit”…

It’s hard to make fun of a comedy.

Ok, it’s hard to make fun of a FUNNY comedy.

Making fun of a painful, unfunny comedy is pretty damn easy.

Let me quickly explain the movie.

Fat guy, skinny guy, and short guy are bullied by muscular, older guys who can grow beards and are somehow still in school. The parents of bullied kids are douche bags who don’t care, or don’t believe that their children are getting beat up. The principal is criminally inept. The teachers in the school are even dumber (or hornier) than the principal… annnd just for the hell of it, pretend that Chuck Liddel (former UFC light heavyweight champion) is answering ads for a bodyguard on “Craigslist.org”.

Hey, I have no problem with stupid movies if they embrace their stupidity. If this movie had a scene of cowboys farting around a campfire I would have been all over it.

The problem in this movie is that it’s just downright creepy.

Owen Wilson, a guy who showers naked in public, is a homeless guy that has no problem posing a substitute teacher and getting laid in unlocked classroom by a nymphomaniac English teacher.

Funny? Not really.

If you want funny, then go see a horny teacher scene in a movie called “Porkys”.

If you’re going to have a sex starved teacher nailing a guy I want to see dildos vibrating in the teacher’s desk during class. This was just disturbing.

The bullied kids are stupid (sure, take my dad’s expensive watch and my mom’s silver serving tray), instead of being just a tad naïve.

The bullies, aren’t just mean, they’re downright criminal (attempting to run the kids over with their car, and attacking people with a samurai sword).

The people in authority (parents, police, teachers) shouldn’t be allowed to sell ice cubes let alone raise or protect children.

The movie just straddles this weird line where the situations are ridiculous, but the solutions aren’t.

I was expecting Drillbit to teach them some US military combat techniques.

Imagine how much fun this movie could have been if the kids started creating IEDs out of bathroom supplies to wreck the bully’s sports car, or had a showdown with the sword wielding guy with a Taser made out of his football trophy?

Instead we get this horrible “message” type of movie about redemption and friendship.

I never had a stronger urge to gut a “Carebear” in my entire life.

This should have starred Pauly Shore and gone straight to DVD. There’s a spot waiting for you beside Dolph Lungren’s latest martial arts movie.

1 star out of 5.

How else do you explain all of the people milling about with dreadlocks and goatees? I kept expecting the cast from “Singles” to run out in Doc Martens waving around the latest “Alice in Chains” CD.

Ok, let’s just go with the flow.

Cavemen were the first Rastafarians.

Iree Iree. Sometimes “Burning Spear” actually means a spear that caught on fire.

Who knew?

But hang on. Where the hell did the Chinese chick come from? I can understand if EVERYONE looked Asian, but there’s a white guy talking with a Polynesian guy ,and hey, isn’t that Halle Berry’s little brother?

This “tribe” of people has more ethnicity in it than a New York City bus terminal.
Don’t blow a gasket. They easily explain this by cleverly showing us that the earth is actually only 500 kilometers wide.

How else do stone age hunters find themselves in a steamy rainforest the day after they leave the frozen tundra? Don’t even get me started on the desert that’s twenty five feet from the rain forest.

Let me ask you another question.

Say that you’re a slave trader and your boss says “we need more slaves.”

You can insert your own Wal Mart joke here.

Ok, so anyway, you need slaves right?

One day you find yourself in the tundra raiding a camp, and then an hour into the movie the rescue party manages to raise an army of thousands from the desert tribes that lay in between the ice and the slave camp.

Once again, that’s thousands of able bodied slaves that the raiding party ignored so that they could wander around in the snow looking for slaves.
These guys must be paid by the hour.

When I build my pyramids I’m going to make sure that my raiding party isn’t unionized.

I’ll bet that they even get “Heritage Day” off (the bastards).

Ok, do you want to discuss the saber tooth lion that is grateful for being set free and becomes an ally?

Did I miss the words “He-Man” in the title? Where the hell is Skeletor?

The next time you stumble across a grizzly bear in a leg hold trap, set it free and see what happens. All that I ask is that you set up a video camera on a tripod so I can at least enjoy the “Youtube” carnage later.

Oh wait, just when I thought that the movie couldn’t sink to a more moronic level, there’s this great scene where the mastodon hunters lead a war party of “African” warriors across the desert and it’s the BLACK guys dying from heat exhaustion and lack of water.

Why were they crossing the desert? Why, to find out where a river goes to silly!!

Say that again? You want to follow a river by crossing a desert?!!

Uh, what’s wrong with walking alongside of the river? It’s full of water, and there’s probably even fish in it. You can eat AND drink.

Again, it’s probably a union thing.

The river is CUPE and the Africans are PSAC.

Ok screw it. The movie is stupid and boring. Let’s have some fun!!

Whenever someone (in the WORST pseudo aboriginal accent ever created) mentions the word “great” to describe something (the great mountains, the great desert, the great river, the great beast, etc.), jump up out of your seat and do your best impression of Tony the Tiger.

“It’s grrrrrrrrrrrreat!!”

Believe me, it’s the only time you’ll ever use the word “great” when discussing this movie again.

Nothing is really explained, no obstacle is ever really an obstacle (want to sneak into the enemy camp? Just bury your spears in the sand beside the temple. No one is looking!!), and just when you thought that bad guy is dead, he really isn’t and jumps up and throws a spear at your back.

I thought that ending was outlawed after “Lethal Weapon 15”!!

I give this movie 1 star out of 10,000.