Sarcastic Movie Reviews

I hear that she turned down the starring role in “Pretty Woman” because the hookers didn’t carry an Uzi.

Fortunately for us, she’s not only packing some serious heat in “Wanted”, she also has a lot of tattoos.

What a bad girl.

“Wanted” is based on a comic book I hear, but I gave up reading the comics after I found a copy of “Penthouse Forum” when I was eleven, so I’ll just have to take their word on it.

I hope the comic book was called “The Matrix” because as far as I can tell there’s a wee bit of homage going on here(that’s the French word for “rip off”).

Wesley Gibson’s life is in a rut. His life has no meaning and he spends his days in a tiny cubicle taking abuse from his boss while his girlfriend screws his co-worker.

Everything changes one day when Wesley is saved from an assassin while filling out a prescription for anti-anxiety medicine (take the blue pill Neo!!!).

His life is never the same.

You see, Wesley never knew his dad, but on the day that his father is killed by a traitor, the secret organization to which he belonged shows up to inform him that he has “special powers.”

Ok, maybe the movie is more like “Harry Potter.”

Anyway, here’s where the movie becomes funnier than a naked Will Ferrel scene.

This secret group of Assassins is known as “The Fraternity” (I guess “McKillers” was a bit too obvious) and they live in an inconspicuous castle in the middle of Chicago.

You heard me… (sigh)

Wanting to offset their carbon footprint (gunfire gives off a lot of smoke) they ride around on the tops of trains a lot shooting people through windows.

Clearly the bad people aren’t profiting enough to get an office located above the third floor and away from the subway but that’s neither here nor there.

“The Fraternity” likes to shoot people with untraceable bullets, but I’m having a bit of a problem with that term.

To me untraceable means that the bullet explodes or melts. To the Fraternity, untraceable means a bullet with more gears than Big Ben and intricate carvings on the outside that would make a Bill Reid jewelry box look like a Pez dispenser.

Maybe if you smear it with some DNA you’ll overwhelm the FBI computers with data and they’ll just give up trying to find you.

Why stop there? You shoot fancy bullets while riding on top of a subway and you hide out in the only castle in Chicago. I say you should kill people without wearing any pants too. Maybe add a rainbow afro wig to the ensemble.

This must be like reverse psychology.

The more obvious is it that you’re a trained assassin, the easier it is to hide in plain view.

I say that they should have called themselves the “Robert Blakes” (I’m giving OJ the week off. I’ll start slandering him again on Monday).

Hang on, I’m only getting started.

Do you want to know where they get their orders from?

It seems that “The Fraternity” are an ancient order of “weavers” and they’ve built a magic loom that spits out a secret code embedded in cloth.

Want to know who to kill? Grab a magnifying glass and look at a facecloth!!

I used that excuse when my wife caught me wearing her underwear on my head.

“I was… er… just catching up on some reading dear!!

As Wesley begins his training, he gets the crap beaten out of him by guys with names like “The Fixer” or “The Butcher.”

Never call an assassin “Carl”… they hate that.

In between stabbings and beatings, Wesley (who I guess will get a name like “The Telemarketer” when he graduates) heals his wounds in bath of molten wax.

They never mention it, but I’m pretty sure that all of these killers have genitals like a porn star.

I’m thinking that body hair has a shelf life of ten milliseconds after they chisel your naked ass out of a giant candle.

Ouch!!

But listen, this is a movie in which a Dodge Viper is outrun by a delivery van filled with cat foot (and the American auto industry wonders why it’s in trouble).

The only thing this movie ever had going for it was Angelina, and she’s looking a bit haggard in this film.

Angie, baby… you need to gain some weight. Trained assassins need to look more like “Sarah Conner” from T2, and a lot less like Lindsey Lohan drinking Jaggermeister shooters in the SlimFast aisle.

Two stars out of five.

“Look out Superman, that Leprechaun has a shillelagh made out of kryptonite!!”
(or)
“Look out Superman, that ninja has kryptonite throwing stars!!”

Booooooring…

That’s why Spiderman was so cool. He was up all night fighting Archvillains, but he still had to study for exams the next morning.

Ok, the guy has been in college for 40 years, but so what?

“Hancock” tries to address the most obvious problem with Superheroes. Who cleans up afterwards?

When Superman rips us the asphalt stopping a runaway train someone has to block of the road for a few days and then repave.

Needless to say commuters get annoyed.

When we first meet Hancock he’s a drunk sleeping on a park bench.

Let me ask you something. Why do people drink? Well, in real life it’s so they can get laid by a stranger, but in the movies, it’s because they’re feeling guilty, or they’ve got a terrible dark secret.

The city hates Hancock.

It’s bad enough when a sober superhero destroys a bridge while capturing the bad guys, but Hancock does it while buzzed.

In steps “Ray Embrey” (ya the audience laughed because we all thought they said “Emery” … you have to be a Senators fan to understand), who is a marketing genius and wants to makeover Hancock so that people will start to like him.

The first thing he needs to do is to convince Hancock to go to jail for the wanton destruction of public property.

So far so good eh?

Exciting!! (insert sarcasm)

I’ll never understand characters who insist on attacking the impervious monster even after they’ve seen ten thousand bullets bouncing off it’s head.

Like, the ten thousand and FIRST bullet will finally bring it down eh?

While in jail, all of the criminals that Hancock helped capture surround him in a threatening manner.

What, you’re going to shank a guy that flew you over the city in an SUV?!!

If you’re going to try and write a realistic superhero movie, then write in realistic reactions.

Who would be stupid enough to hold a bank hostage with a superhero in town?

Then there’s my next problem with a movie like this.

What does every Superhero need?

How about a Supervillain?

It’s not that much fun to see Daredevil bringing down Conrad Black and his shredded box of off shore bank accounts.

Hancock doesn’t have an arch nemesis (well, one that makes any sense anyway).

Hancock struggles with “inner demons”.

Ohhhh… maybe in the next film we can see him struggle with an annoying patch of eczema too!!

Lately everyone has been trying to throw a new twist on the superhero genre.

What’s family life like? (The Incredibles).

What’s sex with a superhero like? (My Super Ex Girlfriend).

What happens when a superhero gets cold in his rubber suit? (Batman… sorry, that was a nipple joke).

Hancock tries to present a superhero in a realistic world in which there are no supervillains, only class action suits and overworked road crews.

There’s a reason that Stan Lee doesn’t bore us with statistics about people who’ve been crushed by falling masonry. It slows the story down!!

You can’t write a realistic superhero movie and then expect me to believe that someone with a gun would still be stupid enough to shoot a bullet at the guy.

This movie has one leg on each side of the road and in the end it’s kind of boring.

Hulk smash this film with no Archvillain!!

I give it 3 stars out of 5.

How do these sound?:

The movie missed being good by THAT much!!”

or…

“That’s the SECOND biggest steaming turd I’ve ever seen!!”

Alas, they went ahead and wrote a great movie, so now I’m stuck with all of these quips and nothing to use them on.

The BASTARDS!!

Imagine how inadequate the makers of “The Pink Panther” must feel? I mean, it’s basically the same story isn’t it?

Dofus spy/inspector has to find bomb/diamond but through sheer incompetence wins the day and gets the girl?

I guess it must be like how Kid Rock felt on his honeymoon with Pam Anderson (you KNOW she still has Tommy Lee on speed dial).

I was sure that this movie would suck.

I even placed a large cash bet on it that my wife had no idea about.

(For the record… her car was “stolen” last night ok?)

Where do I begin? Well, first of all “homage” part is done like a Navy Seal mission.

Get in, use it and get out.

If the joke or gadget is dated then it gets a new face or it’s left out.

These guys know their stuff.

Like “Battlestar Galactica”, the television show is only a template for the movie. A new back story was written, and minor characters have been slightly changed (Larabie is total douche bag for instance).

Listen, I’m not going to spoil things by outlining the plot, or giving away jokes.

It’s a great movie.

“If at first you don’t succeed, then pretend you’ve never heard of Ang Lee.”

Hulk movie? What former Hulk movie? (and while we’re at it, Batman never had nipples ok?)

I can still taste the green bile that welled up in the back of my throat when I last sat down to watch The Hulk on the silver screen. The fact that they’ve gone ahead and made a sequel leads me to think that they either have balls that clank, or that Stan Lee is in charge of the Illuminati.

How the hell did they manage to get another Hulk film green lighted after the last one tanked so badly?

Well, maybe it has something to do with star power. The last Hulk movie starred Eric Bana.

Uh… who?

Listen Eric, I’m sure that you’re a great guy, but you could be doing naked calisthenics on the Hollywood walk of fame and the only interest the paparazzi would have in you would be to use your ass as a tripod so that they could take a photo of Gary Colman.

Special effects can only take a movie so far. Hire some great actors.

Cue Ed Norton and Tim Roth.

NOW we’re talking!!

Tim Roth is such a cool actor that if I heard he was starring in “Deuce Bigalow, Inuit Gigolo”, not only would I pay the twelve bucks to see it, I might even camp out in line overnight.

This Hulk picks up where the last Hulk left off.

The Hulk is on the run and he’s looking for a cure. Since he’s trying really hard to avoid getting angry (or excited) he figures that the best place to blend in is in the most poverty stricken barrio he can find in Brazil.

I love it.

Ya, there’s nothing as calming to the soul as walking around one of the poorest places on earth, carrying an expensive laptop computer and not being able to speak a word of Portuguese .

Fortunately, Bruce Banner lands a job, gets a pet dog, snags a private one bedroom slum (WITH internet access) and even gets the hottest slum babe around to take an interest in him.

If he had hid out in Burma, the movie would have opened with him grilling a steak on the beach while sipping beer that was air lifted to him from the military Junta.

In an unusal twist (note the sarcasm), just as Bruce starts to fit in, someone gets him “angry” and his cover is blown.

This has to be the easiest comic book to write.

What do you think is going to happen in the next movie?

Here’s a hint. Bruce will be looking for a cure, and no matter where he’s hiding the local hot chick will dig his stretchy pants and then her redneck boyfriend will try to pick a fight with him.

Rinse, lather, and repeat.

How long has this franchise been going now anyway? Has he tried hiding everywhere?

I’m going to go out on a limb and just toss out some story ideas that I’ll bet have been written:

Bruce hides out in a lumber camp in British Columbia but gets bullied by a French Canadian (well, who hasn’t had this happen to them?).

Bruce is hiding in a monastery, but the head monk bullies him.

Bruce buys an Xbox360 and the only game he can rent is “Bully the Scholarship Edition”.

These things write themselves!!

Anyway, as usual Bruce gets all “Hulky” and wakes up somewhere half naked.

Sneaking back to the USA, Bruce finds a scientist who has been covertly working on a cure for his affliction, but faster than you can say “Gilligan!!” the cure actually only makes things worse.

In this case it means that the military (who wants to use The Hulk as a weapon) creates another more “evil” Hulk called “The Abomination” and we get a special effects showdown.

What will happen in the next film?

I’m thinking Bruce will be harvesting sea salt in Bangladesh until one day he gets bullied by a salt salesman.

Ohhh …I can hardly wait.

I’ll give the movie three stars out of five.

You know, something like a fat, slow animal doing martial arts?

Too bad my dream came true twenty years ago and it involved a bunch of turtles.

Maybe next summer they can write a movie about a crazy dog that fights the Red Baron and sleeps on TOP of his doghouse!!

SIGH…

Ok, I’ve got a confession. I look forward to animated movies about as much as I do my prostate exam.

Here’s my problem.

When they pay Angelina Jolie seven million dollars to read fourteen lines of dialogue I might hate her a wee bit less if I thought that she spent any time on the limo ride to the studio trying out different voices to give the character… Uh… well… CHARACTER!!!

You almost wish Austin Powers was in the studio trying to get her horny.

“Angie, baby. You’re a tiger. That’s it honey, growl for me. Make a cat sound. You’re an angry tiger baby!!”

Instead, we get a tiger that sounds like a bored movie star in an air conditioned studio while her personal assistant struggles to unscrew a water bottle.

Anyway, let’s get back to the story.

I’m calling it “Panda Wars”, because as far as I can see it could take place on something called “The Death Star”.

Does this sound familiar to you?

There’s an orphaned kid who is raised by a foster parent and he spends all of his time daydreaming about becoming a famous warrior instead of doing what his “dad” does (farmer… cook… what’s the difference?).

One day he meets a mentor who can sense great power in him and thus he begins preparing to face his greatest foe (a warrior who was also trained by the master but then turned to the “dark side”).

“Ok, Angelina, you’re an angry Wookie baby!!”

Insert a montage of training scenes, (maybe do a little “Karate Kid” chopstick skill scene) and bake for ninety minutes.

Ah yes. Here it comes.

The inevitable deluge of hate mail saying “Shut your gob, this is a movie for kids and my little ankle biter loved it.”

To which I reply “Yes, your kids will love it.”

In fact I found myself actually laughing about seven times in the movie myself.

Does that mean it sucks?

No.

In fact I’d say it’s about as good as “Monsters Inc.”, “Over The Hedge”, “Ice Age”, “Barnyard” and so on and so on.

It’s a mediocre movie that will compliment the vanilla milkshakes and cheese pizzas you‘re serving at the birthday party because hiring a clown costs too much money.

Are you happy now?

Think about your carbon footprint and instead of driving to the movie theatre just toss “Star Wars”, “The Karate Kid” or “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” into the DVD player for the four hundredth time.

In fact, play them all at the same time.

Honestly? You’ll have a better time.

Three stars out of five.