Sarcastic Movie Reviews

I think we should take this phenomenon to the next level.

Fight every living organism on the planet.

You start off slow, maybe have the Hulk battle something like hayfever and then you gradually ramp it up.

“Hulk SMASH goldenrod!!”

But as usual I’m getting off topic.

In case anyone missed the first “Hellboy”, imagine combining “Men In Black” with “Xmen”, which would make it, “Xmen in Black”, or “Men in Xmen”.

I can see the gay porno industry casting the film now.

Anyway, what you have here is a secret organization of mutants that the government uses to battle monsters that live undetected amongst us.

Trolls… Aliens… all that you need is the correct set of eyewear and all will be revealed.

A quick word of warning though, don’t buy your Troll finding glasses from an ad in the back of a comic book. My Xray specs worked like crap, I couldn’t beat up anyone on the beach after two weeks, and my Sea Monkeys looked like bacteria that was scraped from the armpit of a Pilipino fisherman.

Hellyboy 2 was written and directed by Guillermo del Toro which of course means that all of the creatures have their eyeballs in their hands, or their wings or their asses.

Guy (can I call you Guy?)… It was pretty cool in “Pan’s Labyrinth”, but it’s getting old. If there are sightless monsters in your next film I will sentence you to spend 3 years in Japan working on one of those big eyed anime cartoons with M. Night Shyamalan (and it can’t have a twist ending).

Instead it appears that Gilly must have spent a summer or two chugging Slimfast at Peter Jackson’s house because the story in Hellboy 2 sounds a wee bit familiar.

See if this brings back any memories:

“A terrible war waged between the ancient race of Elves and Man. A Troll creates a remorseless army of indestructible metallic robots to help the Elvin King, but after the battle the king breaks his crown into three pieces and scatters them across the world. Whoever collects the three missing pieces of the crown will rule the world.”

Rings, pieces of a crown… those damn elves are always creating something magical and then tossing them around like confetti hoping that no one will be able to find the missing parts.

Here’s an idea you long eared freaks. Melt the crown at the BEGINNING of the movie. No crown? No problem.

Too obvious? Then turn the magical items into Abba. No one can put them back together!!

Badum bum. Thanks, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal!!

You know what else is getting old? The old reversal treasure map thing.

You can be jet skiing around a water filled planet, Kung Fu fighting with talking snow leopards or jamming an amulet onto the end of a stick, and the freaking map never actually points to where the treasure is unless you roll it in cookie dough or look at it in a mirror.

Like a vintage wine that’s been stored in a piñata, this cliché has been time tested and beaten to death.

I love the part where the bad guys go off running in the wrong direction looking for the treasure. Even a drunken tourist could figure out that Alaska isn’t on the east coast or North America.

Wait, you mean that lake that’s to the left of the mountain is actually to the RIGHT of the mountain? But, I’m standing beside a similarly shaped body of water in the exact same location over here!!

Find me a totally symmetrical country with circular landmarks and I’ll buy it, but until treasure hunters go looking for something in the land of Tetris it’s time to think of something else.

Well, in that Gitmo Del Tuba is a fanboy’s wet dream with all of the monsters, and the creatures and the “Hey ladies” (you really have to read that line like you’re Jerry Lewis), I have to ask one simple question.

Have you TOTALLY run out of fresh visual ideas? It’s bad enough that I have to look at a bunch of rejects from Pan’s Labyrinth with the eyes in the hands, or the wings or the “hey ladies” (really, the Jerry Lewis voice thing is golden. Try it at parties.), but did you have to resurrect “Kuato” from “Total Recall”?

It’s hard to forget a guy that’s growing out of someone’s stomach even it was twenty years ago.

And Kuato? You’re looking younger than ever. I can’t wait for your next buddy movie with Jackie Chan called “Chernobyl Tuxedo.”

Here’s a question I can’t figure out.

Is Hellboy is indestructible or not?

Somewhere in-between fighting tooth fairies, plant elementals, and trolls, and while getting tossed through walls, and buildings and (you thought I was going to say “hey ladies” didn’t you?) mechanical gears all that ever happens to Hellboy is he loses a cigar.

Ya, but then there’s this scene where he has a scratch on his face and he’s acting like a big baby.

I’m confused. My brain was so numb from special effects that I must have missed the face scratching scene.

Oh wait, he gets stabbed in the chest too.

Well damn. Now I have no idea what the hell is going on.

By the way, I thought that the “tooth fairies” got their name because they ate a person’s teeth first, yet I clearly saw them devour a guy down to the skeleton and he had his teeth intact!!

So much for continuity bitch.

I could go on but really this movie is nothing but a special effects orgy.

We’ve seen the story before (in many different versions), seen the special effects before, and for a wise cracking super hero he was a lot wittier in the first version (Bruce Campbell would kick his ass… “Say hello to my BOOM STICK.”)

It’s a pretty mediocre summer fare and it’s about thirty minutes too long.

I give it three stars out of five.