Friday, October 31, 2008

Zach and Miri make a Porno… a review

Not since the movie “I am Joe’s Spleen” has there been a movie with a less cryptic title than Kevin Smith’s new effort ”Zack and Miri Make a Porno.”

Hmmm… what could THIS movie be about?

I wonder if it’s really a metaphor for the class struggle between migrant workers and the corporate raiders on Wall Street?

Listen, this ain’t “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”, it’s about two roommates who decide to screw on film to pay off their debts.

Well, ok then.

Thanks for getting right to the point Kevin.

No foreplay here!!

Next time call the movie “Kevin Smith caters to seventeen year old comic book geeks” because that’s what his whole freaking career has been about.

Now, to be fair, I think Kevin is an intelligent and witty guy.

I saw the film he made when he spoke to University students and it was hilarious.

Also, I have to admit that I actually OWN a copy of his film “Dogma” so deep down I think he has a lot of potential, but then he goes back to writing scripts where a guy stuffs his fingers into his anus and then handles food.

Sigh…

There are things in this world that just don’t belong together.

Pork sandwiches and Bar Mitzvahs.

Basketball nets and midgets.

Rap music and women’s rights.

You get the idea.

To me, mixing porn and comedy is like making a martini with dry cleaning fluid and Tabasco sauce.

What’s next? A porno in a concentration camp?

How about an all musical porno?

A porno with a plot?

Listen, porno comedies are box office poison.

Has anyone seen “Orgazmo TWO?!!”

If I want to laugh while watching porn I’ll rent something with Ron Jeremy in it (and trust me… I NEVER rent something with Ron Jeremy in it).

So what’s the point you ask?

I have a theory.

I think that Kevin Smith is conducting an experiment to see just how far he can take the gross out comedy genre before it implodes.

Unless his next movie is called “Zack and Miri Abuse Farm Animals” or “Zack and Miri Enjoy One Cup” I can’t see the bar being lowered much farther.

How’s this for a “plot”?

Zack (fat slob) lives with Miri (hot chick) in a platonic relationship as mere roommates.

They’re on the verge of being evicted when Zack suggests that they should film themselves having sex and sell it to their friends.

Welcome to the masturbatory world of Kevin Smith!!

Now, I have no doubt that there are teenage boys who are convinced that women would actually go along with this idea, but these are the same losers who also send audition tapes of themselves lighting their farts on fire to “Cirque du Soleil” hoping to get a job.

But hey, maybe your roommate is a drug addicted stripper or Amy Winehouse.

Moving right along…

It’s a comedy right?

In a comedy finding wannabe porn stars is as easy as putting up flyers on a few telephone poles (heh heh… I said “poles).

Kevin spent all week writing this script dammit. Let’s not get bogged down with reality. It’s time to see some boobies!!

Yay, boobies!!

I predict that high school remedial math classes will be empty on the Friday afternoon that this comes out.

Yay boobies!!!

Screw it. I’m turning my brain off and I’m going with it.

Ok, I’m laughing. It’s odd but mildly amusing in a train wreck kind of way.

uh oh… wait.

What’s that in the distance?

Is that another train hurtling towards us on the same track?

It’s not possible.

Can a train wreck get hit by ANOTHER train?

Ok… so we’re making a porno comedy. What could you possibly do to screw with the target audience any further?

What is the one thing that is even worse than combining comedy and porn?

It’s not midgets.

It’s not amputee porn.

How about adding in a touching LOVE STORY?!!

Dude.

Seriously.

Why not just toss in a political conspiracy subplot?

This is where the movie begins to look like a Nazi Zeppelin attempting to moor itself in New Jersey.

“It burst into flames, and it’s falling, it’s crashing! Watch it! Watch it! Oh, the humanity!”

Is this a comedy, a romantic comedy, or romantic porno comedy?

The Red Cross should be handing out blankets to people as they leave the theatre it’s such a disaster.

It went from funny, to gross, to weird and now it’s trying to be touching?!!

A touching porno movie is one thing, but a TOUCHING porno movie?

It’s just wrong Kevin.

Well, if you want to see Jason Mewes’ wiener or if you were wondering what the guy from the Mac commercials sounds like saying the word “cock” then this movie is for you.

I laughed a bit, but the movie just falls apart after the first hour.

I’ll give it three out of five just because I’ll never be able to watch another Mac ad without giggling like a schoolgirl.

I love it when the fat guy gets the hot chick (and then films it)

Posted by rtheygood at 00:33:17 | Permalink | No Comments »

Friday, October 17, 2008

W. … a review

So Oliver Stone has made a movie about George W. Bush. My only question to Ollie is “What’s the conspiracy THIS time?” Is George an Alien? Did a Dingo eat his baby?

Expecting a fair and balanced movie from this Oliver Stone is right up there with asking a hooker to break a twenty dollar bill.

I have to say that Josh Brolin NAILS “Dubya”. This guy is my new favorite actor. Every chuckle, smirk and folksy mannerism that the President exudes has manifested itself in Josh’s portrayal of the man.

The same can’t be said for the brutal execution of Condoleezza Rice by Thandie Newton. I’m sorry but is Condoleeza eighty years old? Everytime she opened her mouth I thought I was watching outtakes from “On Golden Pond”. What’s with the head shaking, the stooped shoulders and the shaky voice?

Such is the danger of making a movie about living people. You either nail it, or you don’t. Richard Dreyfuss was great as Dick Cheney (complete with that creepy jaw dislocation thing that he does), but Colin Powell was lame. Karl Rove was great, but Paul Wolfowitz was just ok.

Then there’s James Cromwell’s portrayal of George Bush Sr.

Bonus points to James for just saying “screw it” and not even attempting to look or sound like the man. You could’ve put Jamie Foxx in the role for all it mattered here.

Props to the actors playing “Oil Man at Party”, “Well Wisher #2”, “Asian Journalist” and “CIA #3” if for no other reason than to get their names listed on IMDB.com. Send your agent a bag of oranges as a thank you.

The burning question about the movie W. is “Why make it?” I mean, the guy’s still alive, he’s still the president so what’s the point? Anyone who has cable, reads a newspaper or isn’t distilling moonshine out of the back of a Dodge Charger knows the story:

George was a drunken frat boy who couldn’t hold a job for the first two thirds of his life and then sobered up, became a born again Christian, before becoming Governor of Texas and then ultimately the President of the United States of America.

What is this, Newsweek?!!

Where the hell is the car chase?!!

In terms of pointless movies, this ranks right up there with the story about my Thanksgiving dinner last week (I’m Canadian BTW… we have it in October).

Other than claiming that George has “Daddy” issues I learned nothing new after sitting in the dark for two freaking hours.  Where the hell is the story here?!!

Let me save you twelve bucks. I’m going to give you the Cole’s notes (again… it’s Canadian version of Cliff Notes) of the movie.

It’s 2007. Now it’s 1968. Oh wait, it’s 1973. Whoops, we’re back to 2006. Hey, now it’s 1985. Is it 1972 again? It kind of looks like 1968 and I dropped my popcorn when the title came up. Oh wait, George has grey hair, so it must be 2003ish. Now he’s dreaming about standing in a baseball field, so does that make it 1990 or a 2007 dream about 1990?

There’s one scene that sums up why Oliver Stone released this movie.

W. is standing before congress announcing that he’s going to war with Iraq.

Cut to the face of Senator John McCain applauding.

Ahhhhhhh…. Ok… NOW I get it.

This is a very expensive campaign ad for Barack Hussein Obama (ya, including his middle name is a cheap shot, but no cheaper than the McCain shot inserted after the announcement of the war).

Listen, as movie reviewer all I care about is being entertained.

I’ll even accept you teaching me something once in a while, but I draw the line at bullshit propaganda.

I don’t care who you vote for in the United States just freaking vote (we just had the lowest turnout in electoral history in Canada and I’m embarrassed).

The Bush bashers in the audience were leaning forward in their seats looking for any excuse to laugh at the man.

George Bush asks people to pray. Huge laughs. George eats a hot dog. Huge laughs. George takes a dump (ok, I laughed there).

The Republicans in the audience were… well, did you expect a Republican to be there?

This movie sucks ass.

I haven’t felt so manipulated since I dated that Chinese gymnastic Chiropractor that I met at the Yoga studio.

Oliver Stone’s next film? Madonna is a slut (and quite possibly an alien).

1 star out of 5 just because it’s so clearly a Democratic campaign ad.


Josh Brolin is a God!!

Posted by rtheygood at 13:52:28 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Friday, October 3, 2008

Blindness… a review

Imagine what would happen if suddenly there was an epidemic in society in which people went blind?

Imagine the terror.

Imagine the drama.

Well, I hope you have a good imagination because there ain’t any of that in the film.

Hey, let’s pretend we’re screenwriters!!

How would you write the scene in which the first victim suddenly goes blind? Would you write in a terrifying opening where a window washer finds himself stranded on the ledge of a skyscraper as winds buffeted him? Maybe a pilot is attempting to land a jet filled with people. A mother loses sight of her toddler as traffic races by. The possibilities are endless right?

So how does “Blindness” open?

A guy goes blind waiting at a stop light and causes a traffic jam.

But wait… he’s actually kind of calm about the whole thing.

He’s driven home and then takes a nap on the couch while waiting for his wife to come home so that she can take him to the doctor.

Do you think that going blind might cause you to… well… “freak out” just a wee bit?

Am I asking for too much here?

Ok, so then the epidemic starts and the movie sort of turns into 1984 with the infected being warehoused in giant compounds where they have to fend for themselves.

Ahhh, now we’re talking!!

Here’s where the burly blind criminals prey on the weak right?

Well, at first really what we’re talking about is naked people shuffling around in puddles of urine and feces while the government basically ignores them.

Let’s call it a hospital waiting room.

Amidst all of the turmoil, Julianne Moore plays the only person “inside” who can actually see and she spends her days mopping up the aforementioned doodies  off the walls and trying to negotiate with trigger happy guards to get things like a first aid kit.

For some reason the government wants to lock people up and will spend money delivering food to them but a package of band aids is out of the question. 

To me I would have preferred that they just built a giant wall and let Jason Statham drive around in a heavily armored sports car.

These guys SO don’t know how to write a post apocalyptic thriller. 

There wasn’t even a single metal cage with chainsaws in the corners for the blind people to duel in.

Bahhh!!

Ok, but then one day Gael Garcia Bernal shows up and he has a pistol. How did he get a pistol inside?

Meh… who cares?

Gael decides that he’s going to take over because he has 6 bullets and can control the food in a compound of hundreds.

I did mention that he’s blind right?

What’s Gael shaking people down for?

Money and jewelry, because that’s what every blind guy desires in prison.

Are we beginning to see a pattern of missed opportunities yet?

Where’s the barely sixteen year old hottie and the over protective dad?

Besides did I mention that Julianne Moore can SEE?!!

Buying lunch in prison with your watch is good for one happy meal but what happens when you want the NEXT meal?

These are the questions that the only sighted person in the institution should be wondering aloud.


So, if you were Julianne Moore, what would you do? Would you grab a pillowcase and send your blind husband to gather up wedding rings and barter for a box of food, or would you sharpen a pipe and then jab it into Gael Garcia Bernal sightless eyes when he walked up to greet you with a bag of potato chips?

Sigh…

But hang on, let’s annoy you some more.

Us as the audience are protected from the virus because … well… it’s a freaking movie you losers. Pay attention. We can’t be infected. If you could be infected from watching a movie, Ron Jeremy would be working at Best Buy.

Ok, so if I’m not blind, why am I suffering through a boring movie that is overexposed and blurry a great deal of the time?

Does this mean that when they remake the “Miracle Worker” I have to sit in a closet with a bucket over my head?

I don’t know what they were trying to accomplish with this screenplay but if simultaneously annoying me and boring me was the goal than I can only say “Bravo”.

Did you see me sneaking out of the theatre early? I was in negotiations to buy some popcorn with a sharpened tent pole. 

2 stars out of 5.


 

 

 

The irony is that I wanted to dig my eyes out of my head with a spoon.

 

Posted by rtheygood at 04:00:59 | Permalink | No Comments »