Bond is back baby!!

Unfortunately, when I say he’s back I mean he’s back to pointless action sequences every ten minutes.

Sigh, and I had such high hopes.

Let’s pretend that we’re watching Casio Royale again and there’s actually a plot. Sure James jumped and stabbed and drove and shot, but there was nine minutes of story to set up each car chase. This time, they were so hard up for ideas they actually had TWO scenes in which motorcycles appeared in the rear view mirror of the car he was sitting in.

What, you couldn’t think of a reason to have a jet ski chase him?

I haven’t been so confused about a story since I watched that Tourette’s Syndrome Film festival about the stuttering Albanian donkey that juggles fish.

Ok, so Bond is upset about Vesper’s death right?

He wants revenge!!

So far, so good.

There’s some sort of illuminati style organization that is so powerful that they’ve infiltrated the British Secret Service and they’ve got some diabolical plot to take over the world.

Except that all they’ve done is build a giant dam under Bolivia and they’re going to force the people to buy water for 6 times the price they’re paying now.

I shit you not.

This ranks right up there with cornering the market on paprika, or holding back imports of control top pantyhose.

Thirsty Bolivians?!!

The horror… THE HORROR.

Plot points and stunts are thrown at you so fast that you don’t even have time to figure out how James capsized the boatload of goons with a roll of toilet paper and a paperclip before they’re onto the next sequence.

I almost long for the days when there was a seven foot tall guy with metal teeth chasing James through the mountains or the occasional space station.

Please, I beg you. Let’s find a cure for “SCS”!!

“Shaky Cam Syndrome” is a terrible disease that is spreading through Hollywood faster than Polaroids of Paris Hilton’s Pap smear.

Instead of making me feel like I’m in the car beside James, I’d prefer to see what the hell he grabbed off the floor to make the car spin around.

I swear to God you just shrug your shoulders and go with it ninety percent of the time because you can’t focus on anything.

If I was making the movie I’d insert a scene where he blows up a parking garage with a sack of oranges just to see if anyone catches it.

I’ll bet if you jiggle the camera enough you can get away with anything.

“Oh, ya… didn’t you see that Chewbacca was in the background holding the flamethrower?”

“What?!!”

“Oh, nevermind… James is being chased by a riding lawnmower!!”

Then there’s the Bond girl.

What’s the purpose of a Bond girl anyway? It used to be to have a ridiculous name, wear a ridiculously small bathing suit and to pleasure our super spy at the end of the film.

In what can only be called the worst idea ever, the maker’s of this film decided to put a horrible burn scar on the back of the Bond girl.

Why stop there? Maybe she could put a new coat of varnish on her wooden leg, or maybe she could lick James’ toes through her cleft palate.

It’s sad when the only person I want to see naked is the male lead.

I don’t know how to quit you James Bond.

Besides, how much do I care about a person whose idea of exacting revenge on an evil rapist general is to allow herself to be taken on board his heavily ship unarmed and alone?

That’s like sending the Girl’s Gone Wild alumni of 2006 into Mike Tyson’s tent and asking them to subdue him with furry handcuffs.

It hurts me to say this, but even worse than hating the film, I was just completely bored by it.

Whereas the opening scene in Casino Royale was exhilarating, the opening scene of Quantum of Solace can best be described as “blue screen”.

Not only do you have to keep track of who’s doing what to whom in this film, you also have to think back to the LAST film as every person who didn’t die comes back and makes some cryptic comment about something I was supposed to care about two years ago.

The only thing I wondered is, “Why is the guy from Fine Young Cannibals working for the CIA?”

This movie “Drives me Crazy”… whooo hoooo.

Two stars out of five.