Sarcastic Movie Reviews

Its time to deck the halls with “message movies”.

Are you Jewish family in Germany circa 1938? Maybe you’re a mentally challenged artist, musician or mathematician? Oh well, then you MUST be a gay man trying to do something like go camping in the mountains with a cowboy or at least get into public office. If you’re none of the above then you’re probably a black man doing something uplifting while Whitey keeps you down.

I’m waiting for the movie about the black, Jewish family of retards that try to get their gay uncle a new set of strings for his cello in the concentration camp.

“Broke Bach Pajamas in the Black Forest Gump of Germany”

I can smell the Oscar now.

“Milk” is the latest message film to hit the silver screens this month (well by “latest” I mean one of the three hundred movies that came out on the same day, but was in the theatre closest to my house).

Much like every other historical film I’ve been seeing lately, we already know how this is going to end (badly usually) so the devil is in the details.

Harvey Milk was the first outwardly gay politician to take public office and was promptly killed by his co-worker.

Roll credits!!

Thanks for coming out… er… seeing the film.

What? You want details?

Sheesh… do you know how many freaking reviews I have backlogged?

Ok, ok…

Now, everyone is raving about Sean Penn’s portrayal of Harvey Milk, but this guy was such a swishy cabaret style queen that I’m not going to give Sean any credit.

Did Bronson Pinchot get an Oscar nod for playing Serge in “Beverly Hill’s Cop”?

Where’s Robin William’s statue for “The Bird Cage”?

Listen, if Harvey Milk had a thick Scottish brogue and stuttered then MAYBE I’d give Sean some props, but just about everyone I know can do a Liberace impression.

I don’t care if it was historically accurate.

What about the plot?

Listen, I’m all about recognizing people who’ve done extraordinary things in their lives and there’s no doubt that Harvey was a courageous man that deserves recognition.

It’s just that the story is a bit boring.

Harvey is gay. Ok, we get it.

He moves to San Francisco, runs for public office and fails.

He runs for a different public office and fails (but he gets more votes).

Well he runs for yet another public office and fails.

His resumé is beginning to look a lot like mine!

Harvey fails in another election only this time his lover gets tired of it all and leaves him.

He left?

Dammit, I wish I had thought of that.

Where is the car chase in this damn movie?

I think he runs one more time and fails, gets a psycho lover (again… BEEN THERE), and then finally wins a seat on the city council and then gets killed by Josh Brolin.

Let’s talk about Josh for a second.

Do you think he chooses his films based on how bad the hair styles are? You can’t swing Flowbee or an afro comb at a film lately without seeing Josh Brolin getting his hair cut with a salad bowl on his head.

“No Country for Old Men”, “W”, “Milk”… wow Josh… there are some bad lids in these films.

Seriously, that dude from The Prodigy looks better than most of your co-stars.

It’s not that “Milk” isn’t an important film, I think Harvey was a great man. It’s just that his life was rather boring.

Watching a guy losing election after election is about as exciting as watching a documentary on the NDP.

I’m strictly basing my review on the entertainment value and not the importance of what he accomplished.

If you’re into period films about elections then hey, knock yourself out.

Me? I’m looking for tension and drama.

Even the murder of Harvey was rather anti-climactic.

It’s a good film, but not a great film.

Billie Jean King was the first lesbian tennis star, but I don’t want to see that film either.

Now, show me a film about the first gay mafia hit man, or a gay pirate and we’re in business. Bonus points if the gay pirate talks like Keith Richards!!

I’d also like to congratulate myself for not making one joke about a hanging chad in this piece.

Oh wait, my mistake, it was that episode of “Seinfeld” where George decides to do the exact opposite of what he’s always done and is richly rewarded for it.

Ahhh Kramer, you crazy racist bastard, how we miss your antics!!

The premise is fairly simple.

Jim is a lonely guy, who sits alone at home rejecting his friends and watching movies on his couch every night.

His hot wife left him three years ago because he was a boring guy who never took chances.

One magical day while on his lunch break, Jim meets an old acquaintance who just got back from eating wild monkey and climbing mountains.

It seems that his life has been changed by a motivational speaker whose only advice seems to be saying “YES” to any opportunity that arises.

I dated a girl like that once.

Pharmaceutical stocks went through the roof that year, but I digress (it still hurts to pee on some days).

Jim’s old friend then demonstrates his new found freedom by hurling a rock through the window of the bank that Jim works at.

Say what?

So, this philosophy is all about doing what you want, no matter what the consequences are?

Isn’t there a word for that?

Somalia?

No, that’s a place.

Hang on, it’ll come to me.

Oh yes, it’s called “anarchy.”

Wow, that’s a great idea.

Let me go over to your house, shoot your dog, rape your wife and steal your car.

“Just say yes!!”

Wow, that DOES feel good.

Naturally, Jim decides to try it out and all of a sudden he’s granting loans to anyone who comes in, he’s giving rides to homeless people and he’s getting Jiggy with the elderly.

Karma is his bitch and life starts to turn around for him.

He meets a hot chick (no it’s not Katy Perry, it’s some lame wannabe Katy named Zooey Deschanel who can actually act), makes tons of friends and even gets a promotion!!

What can go wrong?!!

Well, SOMETHING must go wrong or we wouldn’t have much of a movie eh?

Here’s my problem with the premise.

Jim has to say “Yes” to everything and yet there were many times that I heard him saying “no” in normal conversation.

Hey, what’s the deal?

Are you the “Yes Man” or not?!!

Then he starts signing up for things like guitar lessons.

Wait, did the ad ask him a question that required a “yes”?

I thought it just said “Guitar Lessons.”

Ok, so maybe he just has to do anything that is suggested, which isn’t really saying “yes” per-say.

So, should the movie be called “Suggest Man”?

These rules are confusing me.

If he watches a documentary on getting a sex change does he have to get de-wangified?

What if it’s a multiple choice question?

Would you like a punch in the head, a knee to the balls, or a finger in the eye?

Clearly they haven’t thought this through.

Once Jim’s friends find out about his new philosophy they naturally start to take advantage of him. Jim is forced to pick up their tabs at the bar, they leave their laundry at his place, he has to cook them dinner.

Nice friends. Did you chop their bodies up a la Dexter and feed them to the fish?

Why, YES I did.

Ask me to buy you ANOTHER beer bitch!!

This guy’s seminar would be out of business in a week and you want to know why?

Every horny loser in the world would be hanging around outside with a vat of Astroglide a pet monkey and a videocamera waiting for the hot chicks to stumble into the street.

“Excuse me miss, can I speak to you inside this van with the blocked out windows for a second?”

Hey, it works for “Girls Gone Wild”.

Here’s your T-shirt ya skank…

We looked all over but couldn’t find your dignity anywhere.

Anyway, back to the movie.

Sure it doesn’t make any sense. Sure it should have been called “Liar Liar Liar” or maybe “Liar³”. Sure a hot chick on a scooter wouldn’t give a wrinkly old guy like Jim the time of day in real like (seriously… Jim is looking haggard).

Who cares? The movie is actually quite funny.

If you just stop thinking about it and just go with the flow you should have a good time.

What is it with December and the Third Reich anyway?

This month we get three movies that take place during World War Two.

“The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas”, “The Reader” and now “Valkyrie”!!

It’s not that I don’t automatically think of Hitler at this time of year, but WTF?!!

If I get a pair of jack boots and a monocle from Santa I’m going to be pissed.

Anyway, as long as we’re on the topic of overbearing and controlling despots, I guess we should mention that the film stars Tom Cruise and depicts the July 20, 1944 plot of German army officers to assassinate Adolf Hitler.

So, not to give anything away (in case you’re not a history buff) but the plot didn’t work.

Imagine if Tom had succeeded? Germany would now be a wonderful place run by aliens and we’d all have our own flying saucers!!

Oh wait, Scientology didn’t exist back then.

Uh… nevermind.

Well, anyway, the point isn’t about how the movie ends but rather how freaking terrible the technology was back in the 40’s when it came to bomb making.

Seriously, you crush a metal tube and then “guestimate” as to how long you’ve got before this thing blows up?

It’s like putting Window’s Vista on your computer.

The film opens with a guy planting a bomb that doesn’t go off, and so they automatically try killing him with the same faulty equipment?!

The explosives guy must have had a government contract that forced everyone to use their crap.

This is why it’s important to use non-union assassins.

Call me crazy but it looked to me like it would’ve been fairly simple to hide a gun in your boot and shoot the guy with the tiny moustache!

Sure you say, but Tom Cruise wants to get away without being killed.

Ah, yes, the clean getaway.

It’s a very important point, but not very well thought out.

Pretend for a second that you’re a German guard at The Wolf’s Den and you hear an explosion coming Hitler’s general location.

Alarms are going off, smoke is billowing up from the smoldering bunker, and all of a sudden a car is rushing away from the carnage at a high speed.

Hmmmm… could this perhaps be a suspect?

Clearly the company supplying the bomb making equipment also hired the security detail because Tom sneaks by with the old “finger on the phone clicker, fake phone call trick.”

The kids today can’t relate to moving parts on a phone so let’s just say he sent an instant message to himself.

That’s the best idea you could come up with?!

You couldn’t even mill around the debris looking concerned for a few minutes?

You know, nudge the guard and say something like “Whoa, it’s a good thing I ducked out to drop a schnitzel in the outen hausen or that would’ve been me in there!!”

Tom has all of the subtly of a white Bronco speeding down the highway stuffed with cash after your wife gets her throat slashed (on that note I’m officially suspending any more OJ jokes until he gets out of prison in twenty five years).

Herein lays the problem with the movie.

It sort of kills the suspense when you know the outcome.

It’s like watching a Scooby Doo cartoon, except that Tom is the guy in the monster costume.

He would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids (which in this case is the SS Storm Troopers that round everyone up and gut them like fish).

So since we know the end, the only real point in watching the film is for the acting which (not counting the leader of Scientology) I thought was pretty good.

The movie has to shift it’s focus from “Will the plot succeed?” to “Who will survive?” and strangely enough I was drawn into the story.

I’ll give this movie a solid 3 out of 5 German sausages.