Sarcastic Movie Reviews

This is one of those mental masturbatory films that screenwriters write to show how much research that they’ve done.

People are getting killed by compounds that leave trace amounts of something in a part of the body that I didn’t even know existed until Clive walks up, shines a penlight on it and says “Ah HA!!”

You know what this crap reminds me of? Listening to the techno-bullshit jargon on an episode of Star Trek.

“Oh Captain… I canna start the warp drive because the dylithum crystals were drained by the flux capacitor when we passed through the wormhole.”

You know what I think?

Scottie was passed out in the engine room and had kicked the plug out of the wall.

I’m going to attempt to explain the story but be forewarned, I asked my friend (who loved the film by the way) to explain the plot to me and he said “Oh this is the kind of film you have to watch twice to understand it all.”

Is that some kind of freaking badge of honour?!!

It’s like listening to my wife trying to explain why she needs five pairs of black shoes.

Trust me, it’s less painful if you just forget about thinking and you just go with it.

Ok so there’s a bank you see, and they’re selling stuff to people that they shouldn’t be selling things to.

Ok, so it’s a shoe store and my wife has walked in.

I’m with you so far.

Ya, well except that they’re not interested in making a profit, because profit is for losers and the REAL payoff is in controlling debt.

Again, as a married man I can relate.

Wait a second, did they just sneak in some topical political dig at the United States?

Hmmm… the United States has historical amounts of debt and the movie suggests that controlling debt is the REAL source of power in the world.

Oh, those crafty screenwriters. I’ll bet that there’s a palindrome hidden in a line of dialogue or two as well.

Geeze, and all this time I thought power came from soul crushing armies that could place a cruise missile in your taint when you bent over to get the morning paper, but what the hell do I know eh?

It still makes more sense than trying to sell someone water are greatly inflated prices (yes Quantum of Solace, I’m looking at you).

What ever happened to the good old days when conspiracies involved a hidden sack of cash or some compromising photos of the president and a hooker?

Nowadays you need a slide rule, a degree in geopolitical negotiations, and a laminated copy the periodic table just to get through the first twenty-five minutes of background story.

Fortunately the movie breaks up boring CSI moments with an every rising tally of preposterous murders.

Have you ever watched the television show “24” and noticed that every sixth episode involves the execution of the guy who has all of the answers to the mystery?

You know the scene. Jack emerges from a shadowy corner dragging some loser that he’s just tortured with an ice cube and duct tape and just as he materializes into the daylight a sniper pops up from behind a potted plant and puts a bullet between his eyes.

The only thing that was missing in “The International” was a digital clock in the bottom right hand corner of the screen because no sooner does someone mention that a specific character is the key to solving the mystery before a squad of hit men swings out of the air ducts carrying twenty seven clips of ammunition each.

I love it when a movie goes to great lengths to show how the Police bypass a security guard with a metal detector only to find themselves facing off against the Belarus Olympic Skeet Shooting Boy’s Choir in the men’s room five minutes later.

Where the hell did they get that security guard from, the Toronto International airport or something?

Here’s another tip. You want to kill a guy in a museum? Put your gunmen around the gift shop.

All roads may lead to roam, but in a museum, all exits are placed beside a display of overpriced ceramic mugs.

What would ever happen if they opened a gift shop museum? What would the put at the end?

Think about it…

The International basically breaks down like this. A dude dies while trying to bring in another dude (who dies) and just when they find another dude who’s willing to discuss the head dude, he gets shot by a dude, but before they can question him he gets shot by a dude, who was secretly covering up another dude, but fortunately this dude has really distinctive shoes (never hire a dude to kill a dude unless he buys shoes from Wal Mart), but this dude likes to hang out at the Guggenheim which in this movie should have been called the Dude-n-heim because it’s where all the dudes carrying guns hang out at, and just when you think that this dude is going to live, you’re all like “duuuude” because as you should have figured out by now he’s going to die, but fortunately he met with a dude at the museum before he was wasted and they managed to capture this dude and he takes them to a meeting of two more dudes, but he gets shot by a dude (that we never get to see) and the movie ends up with a surprise dude showing up at the end and shooting the dude because he killed a dude at the beginning of the movie and that pissed off a couple of other dudes.

There was a bunch of newspaper headlines at the end of the movie that tried to tie up the loose ends but at this stage I was really more interested in watching the Big Lebowski.

At least I can get my head around a guy tossing a weasel into a bathtub.

This is a convoluted piece of crap.