The Haunting in Connecticut… a review
I love horror movies that open with “Based on a True story”, because they never actually say which part of the story is true.
Was it the fact that a family actually lived in a house near a place that something bad happened?
Holy crap, I used to live in an apartment building with hookers and junkies. You want horror? Get trapped in an elevator with a guy who hasn’t bathed in a month (unless you count the frequent times he’s fallen asleep in a puddle of urine).
What’s exactly IS the criteria here?
According to the legal definition of “True Story” by Hollywood standards I’m surprised that Iron Man isn’t claiming to be based on one.
This is yet another example of an hour and forty minutes of my life that I won’t be getting back.
Geeze, I could’ve been at home watching a rerun of “Dog the Bounty Hunter” or “Manimal” (oh Jonathan Chase, how we miss your shape shifting shenanegins),
This is the typical Hollywood startle-fest that passes for horror when the writers are picked up at a bus terminal in Chico California on a Tuesday night.
Let me set up how this works.
The guy (or girl) creeps toward the door that any other sensible person would NOT want to open and then grasp the doorknob.
The music builds to a low rumble, making the ice in your soda dance around like a stripper in an Aerosmith power ballad.
Will something evil jump out from behind the door?
Does it matter?
We both know that it could be a flyer from Best Buy flapping around in the breeze and the music will go “screeeeeech” causing your anus to clench like senior sucking on a lemon drop.
I could make Wall-E terrifying if you gave me a big enough string section and a THX sound system.
Jumping out and saying boo isn’t scary, it’s STARTLING (and there’s a difference).
I used to jump out from behind the fridge when my dog walked into the kitchen and I scared the piss out of him
To this day he never runs into any room unless he knows where the hell I am (oh man, why am I giggling like a moron? I’m a BAD pet owner).
So, am I Alfred freaking Hitchcock because I can make my Westie pee on the tiles?
“A Haunting in Connecticut” plays out the time worn tale of a family that moves into a house where people have died.
It could be in Amityville New York, or at a Taco Bell in Fresno. People drop dead everywhere.
Here’s the first problem with these movies.
Any normal person would move the hell out of the house the moment that little Johnny started seeing blood pouring out of the light sockets.
You know, at least give them an excuse for not leaving.
How about a freaking snow storm? It worked for “The Shining.”
I’m also a big fan of dead car batteries and deserted hotels.
It works in both pornos AND horror movies (and you only have to build one set).
Here’s another tip. Hire a freaking continuity assistant.
If the kid is sick at the beginning of the movie he’d better not be doing any cross country running at the END of the movie.
The moment I see someone splitting firewood while wearing a hospital gown I’m calling “bullshit.”
Here’s another pet peeve… Seeing something evil standing behind you from a reflected surface is about as clever as fart joke.
Truly evil things leap on you from heavily carpeted rooms with a matte finish on the walls.
Why does the ghost insist on standing right behind you waiting for you to finish washing your face so that you can see him when you close the medicine cabinet door?
What’s the story?
You’re really nagging me on this point?
Well, basically you have your sick kid who needs to be close to a hospital. The family is going broke so the only thing they can afford to rent in the creepy place that drips so much evil that the rugs squish when you walk on them.
Need any more background story?
Cue the creepy music, polish all of those reflective surfaces and just toss common sense out of the window because it’s horror time kids.
I almost pine for naked teens getting impaled at a summer camp when I have to sit through lazy crap like this.
2 stars out of 5.
SCREEEEEECH!!!!!! (hey my dog jumped).
