Sarcastic Movie Reviews

Do you want to know what REALLY happened?

Stephen saw an advanced screening of Star Trek and fell to the floor while attempting to pull the hair out of his head.

Screw science. You want reality? There are fat people sitting beside you carrying broomsticks painted silver with the words “Klingon Pain Stick” written in red magic marker so that it looks like dripping blood.

Just wait. In fifteen years the Harry Potter losers will make these guys look cool!!

This was a battle for ‘Style over Substance‘, and Style showed up looking like Chuck Liddel in biker gear, whereas Substance had a yoga mat and some Lululemon tights.

Let me give you an example.

Very early on in the movie a young James Tiberius Kirk is speeding down a dusty Iowa road in a vintage Corvette Convertible while being pursued by a highway patrolman on a “hover bike”.

The nerds gave out a throaty cheer as Jim sped towards the Grand Canyon a la Thelma and Louise while I sat there and thought to myself:

“Hang on… if there are hover bikes then why the hell are they still paving roads?”

I think Style bitch slapped Substance and told him to sit down or the next one was going to be a boot to the nads.

I’m kind of curious though.

Why is this series called “Star Trek” when every single freaking story is about “time travel”?

I guess “Time Travel Trek” is more accurate but then Style showed up cracking walnuts in his hands and Substance hid behind the frogurt machine.

Personally, I’m just happy that they didn’t discover “Data’s head” in a cave somewhere.

I guess Brent Spinner has finally reached the age when all of the CGI effects and and Vaseline can’t hide the fact that he looks fifty seven now and not Twenty six.

So much for the ageless android!!

If you’ve ever seen the original series then you will LOVE this movie.

Every cliché, every facial tic, every plot line that was sort of mentioned in passing  now has a dedicated team of seventeen writers working tirelessly on a joke that might explain it (or at least exploit it).

I think the only thing I didn’t see were Styrofoam rocks and Tribbles.

Oh how the nerds jiggled with joy when a guy in the landing party showed up wearing a red shirt.

Wait a second…. where’s Style?

He’s getting a prescription filled with Manny Ramirez?

PERFECT… let’s get Substance in here because he wants to apologize for a gianormous plot hole that even Helen Keller couldn’t miss.

So, if a black hole is really just a portal through time, then technically if you created a black hole in the middle of a planet, wouldn’t that just “move” the planet to a week from Tuesday instead of destroying it?

Ok. We’ll let that one go.

Maybe this gravity crushing force of physics needs a snack before the doors open up.

There’s something else that’s bugging me.

For a cosmic anomaly that swallows everything (including light) I’d just like to say that it works about as fast as a postal worker on a civic holiday.

“Hey man, there’s like… a black hole forming in your planet dude. You like… have twenty minutes to get the hell off the planet…Oh and can you bring me a bean burrito before you go?”

And why does farting in the direction of a black hole give you just enough thrust to push your free of the event horizon?

Farting… detonating a warp core. Really, the results would be the same wouldn’t they?

This thing EATS LIGHT.

I don’t think setting off a few firecrackers is going to help.

Oh shit… Style just came home. Everyone look busy.

Um… here’s a quick Winona Ryder joke to change the subject:

When I heard that Winona landed a role in the film I was sure that the plot was going to be about someone stealing the Enterprise.

bwahahahahahahaha.…. sniff….I kill me.

Ok, so the plot in a nutshell is that some Romulans have traveled back in time so that they can destroy the planet Vulcan and then destroy the planet Earth.

It doesn’t matter why, it only matters that we get to hear Chekov say “Wulcan” about fourteen thousand times.

How come a mining ship is armed to the teeth like the freaking Death Star you ask?

Well because as long as you’re going to “borrow” a few ideas from another successful science fiction movie, you might as well bring a big shopping bag to steal as much as you can carry.

Winona… can you come in here please?

There’s a WHOLE lot of “Star Wars” raping going on in this film from the jumping spinning light saber duels, to the nail biting showdowns on the Death Star’s precarious “catwalks” (honestly… would it kill you to put some handrails on the precarious catwalks? How about you just do away with them altogether and build some floors?!!), to the saber toothed snow beasts that chase you into an ice cave on the planet Hoth, and to the Ewok engineering mascot that doesn’t talk as much as it makes funny monkey sounds.

George Lucas is going to be PISSED.

Well, that’s if he can pull himself away from masturbating in front of a mirror long enough to see this.

Still… I gotta say… despite the dodgy science, the (cough) homage to Star Wars and the thirty minutes of actual plot (filled in with ninety minutes of character back story), this is actually a fun movie worth seeing even if you aren’t wearing Superman underwear and Devo style sunglasses.

I’ll give it four stars out of five.

And Winona… it’s good to have you back even if you aren’t wearing a tight sweater (but next time wear a tight sweater).