Two Lovers… a review
Does it get any better than that?
“Two Lovers” is an adaptation of “White Nights”, that famous short written in 1848 that still flies off the shelves at pretentious bookstores everywhere.
If this isn’t the perfect story to adapt then I don’t know what is.
Sure, some of you might prefer reading about cloned dinosaurs or a Vatican conspiracy, but for me it’s all about “a nameless narrator who lives alone in a city and suffers from loneliness and the inability to stop thinking.”
Where the hell is my Lithium?
First the good news.
After reading that set up, we can safely conclude that Paris Hilton will NOT be appearing in the movie.
An added bonus is for those of you who wondered what Gwyneth Paltrow’s boobs look like (all that I’m going to say is that you’ll be 50% satisfied), and for those of you who wondered what Joaquin Phoenix’s boobs look like… well, let me just say that they’re only slightly smaller than Gwyneth’s.
Now unfortunately I also have some bad news.
Russian existentialism is about as much fun as a family reunion at the Charles Manson ranch.
The movie opens with Leonard (Phoenix) attempting to commit suicide, but chickening out only after he’s jumped into the harbour and has to be rescued.
Naturally it’s a gloomy autumn day (do they have Summer in Russian literature?) and thus, wet and humiliated, Leonard shuffles home which turns out to be his parent’s run down apartment in the bowels of Brooklyn.
There’s nothing like a thirty eight year old suicidal loser who still lives with his parents to bring in the crowds during a recession eh folks?
Anyway, Leo has attempted this sort of thing before, but his elderly parents are more concerned that he gets cleaned up because they’re having “dinner guests” who are VERY interested in buying the dry cleaning business from them.
Now, I know in the past that I’ve complained about how no one in movies ever has a regular boring old job (they’re always architects, or lawyers, or executive chefs on Air Force One) but we’re ten minutes into the story and I would have given my left nut to see a drafting table in the corner.
All that was missing was a diseased cat siting on a broken wheelchair.
Things get a bit better when “Sandra” (Vinessa Shaw) shows up as the sexy daughter of the “would be purchasers” of the business and confesses that she came along to dinner because she secretly has a crush on Leo.
Being an avid amateur photographer, he takes her into his room to show her some photos that he’s taken.
Now we’re talking!
Who hasn’t used that line on the ladies at least once in their lives?!!
Ya, I’m a “photographer”. Why don’t you come up to my room and I can show you my equipment? Oh what a surprise… there seems to be a bucket of ice cooling a bottle of wine beside the tripod. Why is that some Barry White on the turntable? What are the odds?!!
Ya, well… forget that.
This loser blows a golden opportunity to shag a girl while her parents are in the other room, because he has a framed photo of his ex fianceé beside his bed next to the facial tissues.
What? He has scars on his wrist as well?
Well, get in line Leo because I’m starting to look for something sharp in my bag of popcorn because I think I might join you.
Somehow Sandra isn’t spooked by the depressed loser who lives with his parents and the two make a date to go out.
Hey, what a depressing Russian love story without some complications eh?
No sooner has Sandra left when Leo’s bumps into his new hot blonde neighbour Michelle (Paltrow) who has a bus ticket to “crazytown”.
Leo falls madly in love with Michelle who is having trouble with her boyfriend (a married lawyer cheating on his wife) and things get bleaker and more pathetic as the movie rolls along.
How many sides can a love triangle have anyway? Is this a love hexagon?
All that I know is I’ve never cared less for a group of people in my life.
Leo is a loser, in love with a loser who is in love with a asshole, and is loved by a loser who can’t see what an asshole Leo is.
Is there a documentary on the seal hunt, or cancer that I can watch? I could use some laughs.
So here’s the deal.
The movie is well acted and if bleak, grey depressing movies about a pack of bleak, grey depressing losers is your bowl of borscht then do I have a movie for you!!
For everyone else who is not taking a “film appreciation” course at the local community college I’m going to have to warn you against seeing this.
I’ll give it a three razor blades to the wrist out of five.
Anyone else need a drink after seeing this?
