(I wrote this last year but forgot to post it)… hey at least I’m posting something (so stop bitching).

Did you ever have that dream where you thought that you were watching one of your favourite movies but for some reason someone else was starring in it, like Bea Arthur in The Matrix, or Pee Wee Herman in Death Race 2000?

I’m pretty sure I just “Joan Rivers” starring in the “Hulk Hogan Story.”

What’s that? It was Mickey Rooney?

Man, he’s really bulked up for an eighty year old.

Ohhhh… it was Mickey Rourke?!!

Dude, you’re starting to make Michael Jackson’s face look normal.

Well, this is the movie that everyone has been talking about eh?

It’s sort of like “Spinal Tap” but for the clinically depressed crowd.

Here’s a story about a washed up former pro wrestler who is locked out of his trailer park because he spends all of the money he earns on steroids, tanning sessions and forty something strippers.

I can relate to at least one of those things (and if you knew what I looked like, you’d have no problem narrowing the list down).

Randy “The Ram” hasn’t been a star since he took on “The Ayatollah” back in the late 80’s.

During the week he works as stock boy at a grocery store and on the weekend he wrestles in high school gymnasiums in front of a crowd of sixty or so drunken hillbillies.

He does however, have an action figure of himself glued to the dashboard of his battered pickup truck.

Holy crap, it’s like watching home movies!!

If he had a gap between his teeth I’d sue their asses off.

So anyway, after each show Randy (real name… Robin) decides to unwind at the local strip club and spend the thirty bucks he earned on a lap dance from Marisa Tomei.

Now, I never thought that I’d be saying this after watching “My Cousin Vinnie“, but the time when I wanted to see Marisa topless has passed.

I had finally forgotten her sex scene with Phillip Seymore Hoffman in “Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead” and now I have to look at her pierced nipples poking out of a fish net halter top?!!

I may actually go back to using Kleenex to blow my nose.

So anyway, one night after fighting a match in a dirty gymnasium in front of 17 homeless guys Randy has a heart attack.

I know… I popping Xanax like it was Pez after the twenty minute mark.

After he has open heart surgery he decides to see if he can patch things up with the daughter that he abandoned as a child so that he could be a pro wrestler.

Ahhh the art film.

You can’t be happy in an art film can you?

I’m surprised he didn’t run over a baby duck on the way home from the hospital.

Fortunately the one thing that the lifts the art film above all others is the penchant for some good old cringe inducing violence.

Give a guy a bad haircut and then send him out into the wilderness with a can of compressed air or watch him plunge through a plate glass window covered in barbed wire.

Sign me up baby!!

For every scene in which The Ram moans into an empty shot glass about how he’s alone in the world, there’s a follow-up where he’s running a razor blade over his face.

If it wasn’t for the staple gun to the forehead I don’t think I could have suffered through this movie.

Sure the acting is great, but it’s depressing as hell.

Don’t even get me started on the bullshit Sopranos ending.

I’ll give it 3.5 anti-depressants out of 5.

Mickey is looking around to see if his old face is on the floor somewhere.

Mickey is looking around to see if his old face is on the floor somewhere.