Sarcastic Movie Reviews

Coraline is a solid four out of five.

Ok, well perhaps it rhymed with “Jazz mole” but we all can relate to being looked down upon right?

One quick aside… I still say that “Johnny Dangerously” has the best non swearing insults in film history.

Every year I call my mom a “Farging Bastage” and she thinks it’s Greek for “Happy Birthday”.

I’ll NEVER forgive her for not buying me a pellet gun when I was five…. NEVER!!!

Oh sorry, I just had a flashback to the days I was in therapy… uh… ya…

“Slumdog Millionaire” is sort of a cross between “City of God” (one of my favorite movies) and the game show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” (not one of my favorites).

In a surprising move, the host of the show is actually more annoying than Regis Philbin!!

He is, in fact the biggest “Jazz Mole” since Richard Dawson sent the Governor of Kali-forn-ee-ah down the ramp in “The Running Man.”

The people who own the rights to the game show must not have read the script, and I’m eternally grateful.

When this thing comes out on Blu-Ray I plan on looping the way he says “Millionaire” nonstop until my wife hits me with a sack or oranges.

The Indian accent rocks!

You’ll also never see Regis jump out of his chair and do a little Bollywood softshoe when one of his contestants gets an answer right.

The film opens when “Jamal” (Dev Patel) is one question away from winning twenty million rupees, which I guess is a lot of money because they’re torturing the hell out of Jamal.

How can a guy with no formal education have gotten so far in the game when doctors and investment bankers can’t get past the halfway mark?

Well, clearly we know that investment bankers are idiots, but what about the doctors?

Jamal must be cheating.

Give his nipples another shot of electricity!!

As Jamal reviews the tape of the game show in front of his interrogators he thinks back to his life growing up in the slums of Bombay (now called Mumbai) and it’s through these flashbacks that we begin to understand how Jamal knows all of the answers to the toughest of questions.

Let’s just say that Jamal’s life wasn’t an easy one.

Growing up orphaned and sleeping in the city dump doesn’t seem like the most conducive environments for learning, and yet Jamal has survived some pretty horrific moments that brings him within one question of becoming rich beyond his wildest dreams.

And yet, not only does Jamal not seem to be excited about being on the show, he doesn’t even seem to care about the money.

What’s going on?

It’s all about an orphaned girl called “Latika” (Freida Pinto) that is the love of Jamal’s life.

Circumstances have torn them apart time and time again, but Jamal never forgets about her.

Ok, so the love story will keep the chicks happy eh?

What’s in it for the guys?

Well, there’s enough violence to keep the average sociopath content as well as some great comedic moments.

Who says that crushing poverty isn’t entertaining?

Plus there’s a big dance number at the closing credits.

This is one of my top five movies of 2008.

It’s a must see.

There’s something for everyone including the kids… well… maybe not the kids unless you want to have to explain to them why someone had their eyes gouged out of their heads with a hot spoon.

Ok, forget the kids, but it’s still a great movie!!

5 stars out of 5!!

Let’s hear it for the “Chaiwalla”!!

3 stars out of 5.

I’m giving it 3.5 stars out of 5.

Now, please… give the Nazi thing a rest ok?

Unfortunately, when I say he’s back I mean he’s back to pointless action sequences every ten minutes.

Sigh, and I had such high hopes.

Let’s pretend that we’re watching Casio Royale again and there’s actually a plot. Sure James jumped and stabbed and drove and shot, but there was nine minutes of story to set up each car chase. This time, they were so hard up for ideas they actually had TWO scenes in which motorcycles appeared in the rear view mirror of the car he was sitting in.

What, you couldn’t think of a reason to have a jet ski chase him?

I haven’t been so confused about a story since I watched that Tourette’s Syndrome Film festival about the stuttering Albanian donkey that juggles fish.

Ok, so Bond is upset about Vesper’s death right?

He wants revenge!!

So far, so good.

There’s some sort of illuminati style organization that is so powerful that they’ve infiltrated the British Secret Service and they’ve got some diabolical plot to take over the world.

Except that all they’ve done is build a giant dam under Bolivia and they’re going to force the people to buy water for 6 times the price they’re paying now.

I shit you not.

This ranks right up there with cornering the market on paprika, or holding back imports of control top pantyhose.

Thirsty Bolivians?!!

The horror… THE HORROR.

Plot points and stunts are thrown at you so fast that you don’t even have time to figure out how James capsized the boatload of goons with a roll of toilet paper and a paperclip before they’re onto the next sequence.

I almost long for the days when there was a seven foot tall guy with metal teeth chasing James through the mountains or the occasional space station.

Please, I beg you. Let’s find a cure for “SCS”!!

“Shaky Cam Syndrome” is a terrible disease that is spreading through Hollywood faster than Polaroids of Paris Hilton’s Pap smear.

Instead of making me feel like I’m in the car beside James, I’d prefer to see what the hell he grabbed off the floor to make the car spin around.

I swear to God you just shrug your shoulders and go with it ninety percent of the time because you can’t focus on anything.

If I was making the movie I’d insert a scene where he blows up a parking garage with a sack of oranges just to see if anyone catches it.

I’ll bet if you jiggle the camera enough you can get away with anything.

“Oh, ya… didn’t you see that Chewbacca was in the background holding the flamethrower?”

“What?!!”

“Oh, nevermind… James is being chased by a riding lawnmower!!”

Then there’s the Bond girl.

What’s the purpose of a Bond girl anyway? It used to be to have a ridiculous name, wear a ridiculously small bathing suit and to pleasure our super spy at the end of the film.

In what can only be called the worst idea ever, the maker’s of this film decided to put a horrible burn scar on the back of the Bond girl.

Why stop there? Maybe she could put a new coat of varnish on her wooden leg, or maybe she could lick James’ toes through her cleft palate.

It’s sad when the only person I want to see naked is the male lead.

I don’t know how to quit you James Bond.

Besides, how much do I care about a person whose idea of exacting revenge on an evil rapist general is to allow herself to be taken on board his heavily ship unarmed and alone?

That’s like sending the Girl’s Gone Wild alumni of 2006 into Mike Tyson’s tent and asking them to subdue him with furry handcuffs.

It hurts me to say this, but even worse than hating the film, I was just completely bored by it.

Whereas the opening scene in Casino Royale was exhilarating, the opening scene of Quantum of Solace can best be described as “blue screen”.

Not only do you have to keep track of who’s doing what to whom in this film, you also have to think back to the LAST film as every person who didn’t die comes back and makes some cryptic comment about something I was supposed to care about two years ago.

The only thing I wondered is, “Why is the guy from Fine Young Cannibals working for the CIA?”

This movie “Drives me Crazy”… whooo hoooo.

Two stars out of five.

Hmmm… what could THIS movie be about?

I wonder if it’s really a metaphor for the class struggle between migrant workers and the corporate raiders on Wall Street?

Listen, this ain’t “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”, it’s about two roommates who decide to screw on film to pay off their debts.

Well, ok then.

Thanks for getting right to the point Kevin.

No foreplay here!!

Next time call the movie “Kevin Smith caters to seventeen year old comic book geeks” because that’s what his whole freaking career has been about.

Now, to be fair, I think Kevin is an intelligent and witty guy.

I saw the film he made when he spoke to University students and it was hilarious.

Also, I have to admit that I actually OWN a copy of his film “Dogma” so deep down I think he has a lot of potential, but then he goes back to writing scripts where a guy stuffs his fingers into his anus and then handles food.

Sigh…

There are things in this world that just don’t belong together.

Pork sandwiches and Bar Mitzvahs.

Basketball nets and midgets.

Rap music and women’s rights.

You get the idea.

To me, mixing porn and comedy is like making a martini with dry cleaning fluid and Tabasco sauce.

What’s next? A porno in a concentration camp?

How about an all musical porno?

A porno with a plot?

Listen, porno comedies are box office poison.

Has anyone seen “Orgazmo TWO?!!”

If I want to laugh while watching porn I’ll rent something with Ron Jeremy in it (and trust me… I NEVER rent something with Ron Jeremy in it).

So what’s the point you ask?

I have a theory.

I think that Kevin Smith is conducting an experiment to see just how far he can take the gross out comedy genre before it implodes.

Unless his next movie is called “Zack and Miri Abuse Farm Animals” or “Zack and Miri Enjoy One Cup” I can’t see the bar being lowered much farther.

How’s this for a “plot”?

Zack (fat slob) lives with Miri (hot chick) in a platonic relationship as mere roommates.

They’re on the verge of being evicted when Zack suggests that they should film themselves having sex and sell it to their friends.

Welcome to the masturbatory world of Kevin Smith!!

Now, I have no doubt that there are teenage boys who are convinced that women would actually go along with this idea, but these are the same losers who also send audition tapes of themselves lighting their farts on fire to “Cirque du Soleil” hoping to get a job.

But hey, maybe your roommate is a drug addicted stripper or Amy Winehouse.

Moving right along…

It’s a comedy right?

In a comedy finding wannabe porn stars is as easy as putting up flyers on a few telephone poles (heh heh… I said “poles).

Kevin spent all week writing this script dammit. Let’s not get bogged down with reality. It’s time to see some boobies!!

Yay, boobies!!

I predict that high school remedial math classes will be empty on the Friday afternoon that this comes out.

Yay boobies!!!

Screw it. I’m turning my brain off and I’m going with it.

Ok, I’m laughing. It’s odd but mildly amusing in a train wreck kind of way.

uh oh… wait.

What’s that in the distance?

Is that another train hurtling towards us on the same track?

It’s not possible.

Can a train wreck get hit by ANOTHER train?

Ok… so we’re making a porno comedy. What could you possibly do to screw with the target audience any further?

What is the one thing that is even worse than combining comedy and porn?

It’s not midgets.

It’s not amputee porn.

How about adding in a touching LOVE STORY?!!

Dude.

Seriously.

Why not just toss in a political conspiracy subplot?

This is where the movie begins to look like a Nazi Zeppelin attempting to moor itself in New Jersey.

“It burst into flames, and it’s falling, it’s crashing! Watch it! Watch it! Oh, the humanity!”

Is this a comedy, a romantic comedy, or romantic porno comedy?

The Red Cross should be handing out blankets to people as they leave the theatre it’s such a disaster.

It went from funny, to gross, to weird and now it’s trying to be touching?!!

A touching porno movie is one thing, but a TOUCHING porno movie?

It’s just wrong Kevin.

Well, if you want to see Jason Mewes’ wiener or if you were wondering what the guy from the Mac commercials sounds like saying the word “cock” then this movie is for you.

I laughed a bit, but the movie just falls apart after the first hour.

I’ll give it three out of five just because I’ll never be able to watch another Mac ad without giggling like a schoolgirl.

I love it when the fat guy gets the hot chick (and then films it)

1 star out of 5 just because it’s so clearly a Democratic campaign ad.

Josh Brolin is a God!!

Imagine what would happen if suddenly there was an epidemic in society in which people went blind?

Imagine the terror.

Imagine the drama.

Well, I hope you have a good imagination because there ain’t any of that in the film.

Hey, let’s pretend we’re screenwriters!!

How would you write the scene in which the first victim suddenly goes blind? Would you write in a terrifying opening where a window washer finds himself stranded on the ledge of a skyscraper as winds buffeted him? Maybe a pilot is attempting to land a jet filled with people. A mother loses sight of her toddler as traffic races by. The possibilities are endless right?

So how does “Blindness” open?

A guy goes blind waiting at a stop light and causes a traffic jam.

But wait… he’s actually kind of calm about the whole thing.

He’s driven home and then takes a nap on the couch while waiting for his wife to come home so that she can take him to the doctor.

Do you think that going blind might cause you to… well… “freak out” just a wee bit?

Am I asking for too much here?

Ok, so then the epidemic starts and the movie sort of turns into 1984 with the infected being warehoused in giant compounds where they have to fend for themselves.

Ahhh, now we’re talking!!

Here’s where the burly blind criminals prey on the weak right?

Well, at first really what we’re talking about is naked people shuffling around in puddles of urine and feces while the government basically ignores them.

Let’s call it a hospital waiting room.

Amidst all of the turmoil, Julianne Moore plays the only person “inside” who can actually see and she spends her days mopping up the aforementioned doodies  off the walls and trying to negotiate with trigger happy guards to get things like a first aid kit.

For some reason the government wants to lock people up and will spend money delivering food to them but a package of band aids is out of the question. 

To me I would have preferred that they just built a giant wall and let Jason Statham drive around in a heavily armored sports car.

These guys SO don’t know how to write a post apocalyptic thriller. 

There wasn’t even a single metal cage with chainsaws in the corners for the blind people to duel in.

Bahhh!!

Ok, but then one day Gael Garcia Bernal shows up and he has a pistol. How did he get a pistol inside?

Gael decides that he’s going to take over because he has 6 bullets and can control the food in a compound of hundreds.

I did mention that he’s blind right?

What’s Gael shaking people down for?

Money and jewelry, because that’s what every blind guy desires in prison.

Are we beginning to see a pattern of missed opportunities yet?

Where’s the barely sixteen year old hottie and the over protective dad?

Besides did I mention that Julianne Moore can SEE?!!

Buying lunch in prison with your watch is good for one happy meal but what happens when you want the NEXT meal?

These are the questions that the only sighted person in the institution should be wondering aloud.

So, if you were Julianne Moore, what would you do? Would you grab a pillowcase and send your blind husband to gather up wedding rings and barter for a box of food, or would you sharpen a pipe and then jab it into Gael Garcia Bernal sightless eyes when he walked up to greet you with a bag of potato chips?

Sigh…

But hang on, let’s annoy you some more.

Us as the audience are protected from the virus because … well… it’s a freaking movie you losers. Pay attention. We can’t be infected. If you could be infected from watching a movie, Ron Jeremy would be working at Best Buy.

Ok, so if I’m not blind, why am I suffering through a boring movie that is overexposed and blurry a great deal of the time?

Does this mean that when they remake the “Miracle Worker” I have to sit in a closet with a bucket over my head?

I don’t know what they were trying to accomplish with this screenplay but if simultaneously annoying me and boring me was the goal than I can only say “Bravo”.

Did you see me sneaking out of the theatre early? I was in negotiations to buy some popcorn with a sharpened tent pole. 

2 stars out of 5.

Here’s an axiom that seldom fails when sizing up whether or not you should fork out any money to see a Hollywood movie.

Are there any television stars making appearances in it?

Listen, aside from George Clooney, what was the last great Eva Longoria or David Caruso film that you remember seeing?

Film stars can go to television, but it doesn’t work the other way around. I don’t know why it’s true, but it is.

Naturally, when I saw “Turtle” from “Entourage” in the opening scene of Shia LaBeouf ‘s new film “Eagle Eye” I could feel my sphincter tightening.

Uh oh… then I saw “Vince Mackey” from “The Shield” and that’s when I tore the time space continuum around my anus from the clenching.

As of right now, there is an event horizon orbiting around my genitals.

Forget the CERN particle accelerator, if there was a cameo from one more television star, I would have destroyed all life in the universe.

Ok, but I’m pre-judging the film right?.

Maybe Robert Downey Jr., was supposed to be in the film and he got caught up in traffic.

“What’s the story about?!!” you’re screaming.

Get this…

One day Shia comes home after a boring day at a meaningless job, only to discover that his run-down apartment has been filled with weapons, night vision goggles, and ammonium nitrate (I think he also had a carton of illegal Mohawk cigarettes).

This can’t be good. He didn’t pay any TAX on that contraband.

What would YOU do? (I mean besides pick everything up and fondle it in ways that would make a lab technician weep).

The only thing this idiot didn’t do to further incriminate himself was to post a video of himself on Youtube wearing glasses like Sarah Pallin.

But then…suddenly (it’s always “suddenly” when you find a weapon’s cache beside the cat litter box) the phone rings and a female voice says:

“The FBI will arrive in thirty seconds. Jump out of the window.”

I had a similar phone call from my investment advisor this week.

Naturally Shia doesn’t comply, and before you can say “Mr. Anderson” he’s in custody and being interrogated by Billy Bob Thorton.

Heeeeey….. wasn’t there a very similar scene in “The Matrix”?

All that was missing was the metallic squid burrowing into Shia’s bellybutton.

I love how easy it is to frame someone in the movies.

A UPS driver drops off a large drum of something labeled “poison” in your living room (just in case you thought it was some powdered milk from Bejing) and the next thing you know, you have the feds breaching your cupboards with a SWAT team.

Well except that in the real world you can be growing pot in a corn field outside of a polygamist child raping center in Texas, while running a part time Saudi flight school in Florida and it would STILL take four levels of government plus the consensus of the United Nations Janitorial union before the cops could knock on the door(but Shia gets processed in an afternoon).

Off topic for a second…

Is it just me or does “Shia LaBeouf” sound like a French porn star?

I keep expecting to see some guy carrying a portable boom box and a set of tear away cowboy chaps.

Ahhh as usual, I digress…

Lest you think that Shia is alone, the same thing happens to a soccer mom, an immigrant music store owner, and God knows how many others (they keep popping up whenever a package needs to be delivered).

This is the part of the movie that the director hopes will cause you to say “What the heck is going on?!!”

Personally I was saying “Are you kidding me?!!”

The strange female voice that orders these people around can control cars, trains, cell phones, power lines, traffic lights, ATM machines…

It can do almost anything except make Vista work on your PC.

So why are all of these innocent people being coerced into breaking the law?

I’ll get back to you when I figure it out.

The movie is basically a huge “Rube Goldberg” invention (think of the children’s game “Moustetrap”).

You know the idea. You take a very simple idea and then you make it needlessly complicated.

If you need to toast some bread, it will require a bowling ball, a bucket, an old shoe, forty feet of twine, sixteen ducks, a row of stacked dominos and Phillip’s screwdriver to accomplish the task.

Well, it’s pretty much the same idea here.

The mysterious woman on the phone can snap power lines, take over your car and control construction equipment all over the city.

So what the hell does she need Shia for?

I thought that maybe she was some redneck stuck in the bathroom of her mobile home and couldn’t get up because her ass had bonded to the toilet seat.

“Shia… I need you to bring me a bread knife, a bucket of Aloe lotion, a tin of Skoal chewing tobacco and a bag of cotton balls…. oh and a ‘People Magazine’.”

Sigh… no such luck.

The truth is so preposterous and so needlessly complicated that the screenwriter must have used a slide rule and a Powerpoint presentation to simply pitch the idea.

If you can snap power lines and derail a train, I’m pretty sure that you don’t really need the help of a soccer mom.

Make your own explosive rice crispy squares.

1 out of 5.

Open the pod bay door Hal…